The Queen's Fish & Chips

The Queen’s
Fish & Chips

The King was in the counting house
Counting out his money,
The Queen was in the parlour
Eating bread and honey...
“I’m sick of bread and honey!” groaned the Queen throwing her sandwich to the floor.
There was a sound from the room above.
Clink! clink! clink!
She looked up, “And I'm sick of him!” Clink! clink! clink! “Counting all his money...” Clink! clink! clink! “Over and over again…”
She looked around the parlour, “What I really want to eat is fish & chips.”

If the Royal Maid Servant had heard this, she would have woken up the Royal Chef. The Royal Chef would instantly leap out of bed and ordered one of the Royal Cooks to prepare a Royal plate of fish & chips.
But it was very late at night. And the Palace’s maids, chefs and other servants were tucked up in their beds or had gone home for the night.
The Queen could have woken them up, but she didn't want home-made fish & chips. She wanted a proper fish & chips from a proper fish & chip shop!
Her Majesty knew she could send one of her drivers out to buy some. But the fish & chips always came back soggy and luke warm. And there was never enough salt and vinegar on them!
Clink! clink! clink!
The King was still counting! The Queen knew he'd stay up for hours doing that.
She gazed down at the honey slowly dripping out of the sandwich and had an idea...

The Royal Guard at the Palace gates was standing to attention as the Queen approached. She was wrapped in an cloak-like coat and head scarf with an umbrella under her arm.
As she hurried past he whispered, “Goodnight, Florrie,” without moving a muscle.
The Queen gasped, the guard is not supposed to speak.
Then she remembered Florrie was one of the servants. It must have been Florrie’s coat she’d put on.
Excellent! That means the disguise works.
“Err...Goodnight,” she squeaked and sailed through the Palace gates.

The Queen had never caught a bus but she knew from watching TV that she had to stand by the tall post marked, “Bus Stop”.
The first bus went speeding past.
When the next bus turned the corner, the Queen waved her umbrella up in the air. The bus wasn’t slowing down so she did a little jump. Then another.
The driver looked at her like she was crazy and shot past.
The Queen was getting desperate for her fish & chips. Should I jump in front of the next bus? she wondered. That would certainly make the driver stop.
In time another bus came trundling around the corner. She closed her eyes and braced herself to jump…
The bus screeched to a stop.
A young couple appeared beside her. The girl was holding her arm out.

The Queen stepped onto the bus and headed straight for a seat.
The driver called after her, “Where are you going, love?”
“Err...” she hesitated, “A fish & chip shop?”
He rolled his eyes and asked for a small amount of money. The Queen realised she had come out with out her Purser! She’d never paid for anything herself. Her Purser took care of all her money.
“Come on dear,” the bus driver said, “No cash, no ride.”
Hot and bothered the Queen searched the pockets of Florrie’s coat.
Saved!
Smiling she held out a handful of coins. Then hid her face. How could she have forgotten?! Her face was imprinted on every single one of the coins!
She grabbed her ticket and rushed to her seat.

As the bus reached the busy centre of town the most delicious aroma wafted onto the bus. She looked through the window and saw that the bus was passing a brightly lit row of restaurants and takeaways. She hurriedly rang the bell to stop the bus.
As she stepped off the bus she was swept up in a river of people rushing past. The Queen was lifted off the ground and carried along like a stick down white water rapids.
She was about to scream, “I’m your Queen – don’t let me drown!”, when the river turned a corner and she was tossed aside. The crowd streamed down some steps like water down a drain.
Luckily the Queen had a soft landing.
“Steady on!” said her soft landing, “You don’t need to attack me!”
She had landed on a big man dressed in two coats and several jumpers.
“Sorry,” she said.
“That’s alright,” said the big man dragging himself up on a newspaper-seller’s stand. As soon as he was upright he began to shout, “Bigger shoe! Who wants a bigger shoe?!”
She ignored his strange question but noticed his long white stick. No wonder he hadn’t recognised her.
Eureka! The Queen thought, This man could be the answer to my prayers! He could be my saviour! He could go into the shop and buy my fish & chips!
Attempting to disguise her voice she said, “I feel rather hungry. If I provide the money could you possibly purchase some fish & chips for me?”
The man raised his eyebrows.
“And some for your good self of course,” she added hopefully.
“Midnight feast?” the man rubbed his tummy hungrily. “Lovely! But you’ll have to sell my magazines.”
“Magazines?”
The man thumped his hand on a pile of magazines on the box. “Just call out ‘Who wants a bigger shoe?’”
With a wave of his white stick he launched himself into the swirling crowd.
“One more thing...” she called after him desperately. “Plenty of salt and vinegar!”

The Queen refused to shout anything about shoes and grew cold and hungry sitting there in Florrie’s threadbare coat.
Perhaps the man had recognised her voice and rushed to the offices of a national newspaper. She could imagine the headline...
THE QUEEN EATS FISH & CHIPS!
(with her fingers)
She looked at the pile of magazines fearful that they may be the dreadful sort that printed horrible photographs of her family’s private lives.
The magazine was called, THE BIG ISSUE.
She realised the big man hadn’t been shouting out, “Bigger shoe” he’d been shouting, “Big Issue!” “Bigger Shoe!” she laughed to herself.
“Thanks, love,” said a passer-by taking a magazine and chucking some coins onto the stand.
“Sorry I took so long,” the big man said, reappearing in front of her. “The best chippy is some walk from here.”
She looked at the bag he was holding, on the side it read 'You’re welcome at OUR PLAICE – for the best fish and chips in town.’
“Wanna go somewhere warm to eat ‘em?”
Heartened by the gorgeous aroma of fish & chips she took his arm, and cried, “Lead the way, my good man.”

With his white stick he tapped his way along the road. The Queen felt safe with the big man and couldn’t resist tasting one of her chips. It was scrumptious. Steaming hot and covered with lashings of salt and vinegar.
The big man stopped at the entrance to a dimly-lit alley which was empty but for a couple of old crates. He gestured for her to sit on one of them.
“I’d prefer to stand,” she said slipping another golden chip into her mouth.
“I do beg your pardon!” the man said, whipping off his big coat and laying it with a flourish over one of the crates, “Your throne, your Majesty...”
The Queen nearly choked on her chip.
“What’s up love?”
But she couldn’t answer - there was a burning chip stuck in her throat.
He gave her a hearty slap on the back. “Relax love! I’m not trying to chat you up!” he chuckled and sat on the other crate. “I speak to everyone like that. No one’s better than anyone else in my book. We all deserve to be treated like royalty.” He tucked into his fish & chips like he hadn’t eaten for a week.
Swallowing hard the Queen sat on the edge of her “throne”.

Using the little wooden fork she started on her crispy crunchy piece of battered fish. And as soon as she did who should come up to her but a dog. Just like at home.
She picked out a couple of crispy chips and fed them to him.
“You’ve fallen for Prince’s charms, ain’t you?” The man smiled munching on a mouthful of fish & chips.
“His owners can’t feed him properly.”
“What owners? He’s a stray! No one to feed him, nowhere to live.”
“No one should have to live like that,” she said. “It’s inhumane.”
“You’re right there,” said the big man sadly.
“Why do you call him Prince?” the Queen asked.
The man laughed, “Look at his ears.”
They were huge, and stuck out like handles on a football cup.
She quickly changed the subject, “These fish & chips are simply scrumptious.” Feeling motherly towards Prince, she fed him a couple more chips.
“The very best in town,” said the man in a posh voice, “Though I’m sure Madame is more used to dining at the Dorchester. Or drinking at the Ritz.”
She started to hear beautiful music.
“May I have the pleasure of this dance, Madame?” said the man giving her a little bow and a big smile.
Two buskers were at the end of the alley one playing guitar and the other violin.
The Queen couldn’t resist.
The man was a wonderful dancer. The Queen felt a little rusty but she soon warmed up.
She couldn’t remember when she’d last been so happy and relaxed. She hoped she wouldn’t wake up and find it was all a dream...

“Oi!”
Suddenly at that end of the alley appeared the silhouette of two giants. Six foot six with pointy heads!
She gasped. The police! They’ve come for me!
“The party’s over,” one of the police officers said, “Move along now.”
“Haven’t you got homes to go to?” the other added and they both laughed.
The wonderful atmosphere had vanished. And so had the buskers.
“We’ll be back in five minutes and we don’t want to see you here...” the police officers said as they strolled on.
“I better be going home,” The Queen said quietly when they’d gone.
“Really?”
“I’m afraid so,” she said wiping a tiny tear from her eye. “It’s been wonderful, but...”
“I meant have you really got your own home?”
“Oh yes,” she said almost adding she had several homes but thought better of it.
The man fed the last of his fish & chips to Prince. “It’s a such a cold night,” he said gently, “You wouldn’t have a little spare room in your home would you?”
Despite the hopeful look on his face the big man looked tired and cold.
“A spare room for you?” she said thinking of the palace, “I’d be lying if I said we didn’t.”
His face lit up, “I wasn’t asking for myself, I was thinking for my friend, Prince. But thank you, madam.”
As if Prince understood he looked up at her with his big sad eyes. They were nearly as large as his ears.

And as they say, one thing leads to another. And one friend has another friend and that friend is bound to know a couple more...
This is how the people in the city centre that night saw a most unusual sight.
Weaving their way through the West End was a line of people getting longer by the minute.
There was a blind man leading a dog, a pair of strolling guitarists, people wrapped in blankets and even a young couple bouncing along in a double sleeping bag!
And they were all following a little old lady holding a large carrier bag. On the side was written, ‘You’re welcome at OUR PLAICE for the best fish & chips in town’ and it was steaming.

As the long line approached the Palace bathed in blue moon light the Queen wondered what her husband would say about her disappearance.
As she reached the gates she heard, Clink! Clink! Clink!
The King was in the counting house,
Still counting out his money...
He probably hadn’t noticed she’d gone, and she felt sure all would be forgiven when he tasted the delicious fish & chips.
She paused at the gates and looked back at the long line of people. She just hoped he wouldn’t mind sharing the fish & chips with her new friends...

© 2009 Colin Fancy