Goldfish

I felt my baby kick for the first time today. And it's my birthday. I'm fifteen.
When people see me out it's like they don't know that I have got eyes. I can see the way they look at me.
People look at me and think two things, in a split second they've made up their mind: That I'm crap at school and that I'm off the estate. Actually, they're right. And?
What's the point in people being like that anyway? People just love a chance to look down their nose. Till something happens to them. But course, then it's different.

I never got into reading until like, two years ago when I broke my leg jumping over this really high wall by the shops, I broke one of the bones and fractured the other one so I was in a cast for ages. This woman from next door came to see me and she brought all these books. I was bored out of my mind so I got right into it.

I could be somewhere else for hours. It got to be a habit and it's like, so addictive. Then I started writing stuff as well. Then it's like I found I had all these people going on in my head, and they came from all these different stories. My English teacher went mental. She said: All my life I've been working for a day like this! I said: Alright, calm down Miss. She looked like she was about to cry. It was embarrassing.

Now I'm watching my belly get bigger. I've got quite a lot of time on my hands. I don't miss school, the only good thing about it was Miss Phelps. Once she decided I was her project, I got to spend lessons reading whatever I wanted and she helped me with spelling and that. And she let me write whatever I wanted, even if it was rude. She never told no-one.
They all said I should stay on, at least till the baby comes. Think about my future and that. But I said: No thanks. That was a good feeling. Saying no thanks mate, I'm off. Bye then.

I know what people say about me. Most of the time they don't bother to wait till I'm out of the room. They say I got pregnant so I can get a council flat.
That's the worst thing. Once you get pregnant, nobody bothers to listen to you anymore and they don't believe anything you say anyway. It's like you haven't got a brain. All they can see is your fat stomach.
I try and make sure they don't see me cry or get all stressed out and that 'cos then that'd be another thing wrong with me.
Now she can't cope with the hormones. That's what they'd probably say.

It's like, imagine you're a goldfish in this really small bowl, with all these people staring in at you. Pressing their fat, greasy noses against the glass and tapping their fingers, all loud and clumsy.
They just keep asking you the same stupid questions but when you go to answer them, all they can see is your mouth opening and closing but nothing's coming out.

It's obvious why I'm up the duff and it's got nothing to do with being ambitious about getting benefits. You'd think they would have more of an idea. But they haven't. Not a clue.
Actually, I do want to get out of here. I have to share a room with my sister. She's just moved back in and she is a complete mare. And she chain smokes aswell. I'm trying to avoid the fags for the baby. I've had one in like, three days.

If I was out of the fish bowl I'd go this place that's all quiet with still, deep water and that. I think anyone else would be the same. But it's like oh she planned it all or she just wants to work the system or she's just a silly little girl.
They think I should be worried. But I'm not. This baby is mine and there's nothing they can do about it now.

I don't mind it that much if someone calls me a slapper. I can understand that, that's like, just a word people use all the time.
But adults are so bitchy. It's like they've thought up the worst thing anyone could say to you and then they go and say it.
The only reason they can get away with it is because they're old.