Kipling's Anonymous (2008)

Cough.

Hello, everybody. My name
is Paddy
and I have a problem.

It all started around
two months ago, I suppose

there’s this co-op, right
right next to our house
and it’s open til 2am
and I went in and they had these cakes
Mr Kipling’s Angel Slices

(silence)

(intake of breath)

and they were on two for one.

(release of breath)

And I bought a box, and took them home.
And I opened them.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you
that it’s a box of six
but they’re packaged in twos
so you think ‘I’ll have one’
but then there’s two in the packet, so you have them.

And then you open the next one.
And the next one.
And you think ‘well that’s one box gone,
but I’ve still got another one’
and then you have the other box.

This is how it begins, as I’m sure
you all know.

I sometimes return to the co-op
several times a night.

I have developed a rapport
and amicable agreement
with the staff;
they don’t comment on my purchases
in exchange for pleasantries
which are rare
after midnight
on Pennsylvania Road.

This has been going on for some time
and I’ve hit rock bottom
but I know
that with your love and support
I can get through this
and beat my addiction.

Thanks.

(applause)

Author’s note: I have since made a full recovery.