Pithy Portrait #2

Hi, I’m Lucy – did I mention that I’m [***]? I did? Oh, well, I’ll probably mention it another seven times throughout the course of the day. It’s a key part of my identity, you see; it’s my exclusive club, a ready-made set of associations that add allure and depth to my otherwise overwhelmingly materialistic persona. Just a sec, gotta update my FB status: [***] and proud. And yeah, I’ll also make sure to remind you that I know stuff that you don’t, and make a point of alerting you to any gaps in your own knowledge. I love the smug satisfaction that comes with drawing attention to your shortcomings – especially if I can contrast it with my own accomplishment. Petty victories are my life. Hold on, another update: put another idiot in their place. And I’m [***], yeah – I said that, right? I love how it makes me more interesting than you could ever be. We have our own traditions and rituals, yeah, and we have the whole persecution saga, so you can’t say anything bad about it, fucker. I tell people that I’m a bit chubby rather than overweight – if I don’t show shame, they can’t feel disgust. Podgy and proud. I’ll make you feel bad for eating anything remotely nutritious in my presence. Where’s the fun in being skinny? Depravation isn’t having to wear XL, depravation is being scared of eating chocolate whenever you want. You know it’s true. We should take a photo, you and me, ‘caus we’re friends, yeah? You love my in-your-face attitude. Yeah, I tell it like it is. People love me for it. You do like me, right? Let’s do another photo to prove it; I can post it for my other trophy friends to see, so they’ll know I’m really cool and popular. Hey, where are you going? We’re still having fun. Are you not having fun anymore? What the fuck’s wrong with you? Why don’t you like me?