Grief

The torrential weather had settled; the rains stopped and the strong winds calmed while the sun tried hard to eradicate the remnants of the downpour that had kept them prisoners in the house for almost a week. Amy stood by the living-room window peering through the blinds watching the world outside as it continued without them. She felt relieved to see some sunshine at last. The past few days were grey and miserable emulating the emotions of the Cooper household, which had barely functioned since they had laid the family matriarch to rest.

It was Sunday, over a week since her mother’s funeral. Time had gone by with them barely noticing. Amy had been on autopilot since Diana’s death, trying to be strong for her father, sisters and her son who all needed her support. Laura and Jen were going through the motions, reacting differently to their mother’s death; Laura was inconsolable while Jen was quiet and withdrawn. Both girls had barely left their rooms since last week only leaving to eat or go to the toilet.

Their father was trying to act brave but Amy could see he was falling apart at the seams. She had heard him sobbing late at night when he thought they were all sleeping. On more than one occasion she found him sitting in his study staring out the little window in a daze and returned to see him in the same position hours later. It pained her seeing him this way; her father was a broken man lost without his other half. The lot of them were like zombies walking around trying to find some purpose to their day.

The horrid weather hadn’t helped either. She had hoped that the rain would let up so they could go out and do something, even if it meant revisiting the graveside. She dreaded to think what the weather had done to all those lovely flowers and messages that had been left for her mother. As she stood there thinking about the past few days she felt that ache in her stomach again; the overwhelming sense of guilt that pained her deeply. Unlike the others, she hadn’t had a chance to mourn her mother or indeed make any sense of what had happened because they all depended on her.

Be strong she reminded herself. Her four year old was acting up a lot but she couldn’t blame him; he had travelled across the world from New Zealand back to Scotland during a difficult time. For over a month he’d been cooped up while she tended her mother’s sickbed and now they were dealing with her death. Ryan couldn’t comprehend the enormity of Diana’s departure and what it meant. Amy felt bad about taking her boy away from everything he had known but even worse that they had been absent from the family until now. She had no one to blame but herself. The only good thing about this whole sorry situation was that she had been able to see her mother in those last few weeks and that Diana had the chance to see Ryan one more time before she died.

A tear fell from her cheek, which she wiped away immediately and cleared her throat quickly as the family came through to the living-room with the sandwiches she had prepared for lunch. She stayed there by the large living-room window watching them as they sat solemnly, nibbling at their food like it were bird seed. Her sisters were unkempt; Laura was still in her pyjamas with her short blonde curls dishevelled while Jenny wore the same tracksuit trousers and t-shirt she had been wearing all week, tying her greasy unwashed hair in a ponytail. It was unusual for the girls who were always so particular about their looks. Her father was no better; although he was dressed his clothes were unmatched and his hair untidy. Amy sighed. Her mother would not be happy with this picture.

Ryan looked up at her looking rather bored with his company. She smiled at him encouragingly but she knew it wasn’t the best of atmospheres for her son to be around. She sighed again. ‘I think we’ll let some sunshine into the house,’ the silence in the room was broken and their gloomy hideaway was gate-crashed by the bright sunlight. Amy noticed how her father’s and sisters’ expressions changed simultaneously as the room brightened up. It’s amazing what a bit of sunshine can do she thought to herself as she too, embraced the daylight and welcomed the change. “It looks lovely outside,” she said almost smiling.