THE ART OF TELLING “NO”

THE ART OF TELLING “NO”

P K Routray

The art of living may be defined as creative modes and methods adopted in human life so that one may live with physical, mental and emotional bliss not only for oneself but also for others amidst prevailing unfavorable and alien environment. As per interpreters of scriptures, environmental and social scientists men are not following the righteous path today. They try to live at the cost of others. They are too greedy and are tempted to grab every thing for themselves by any means foul or fair. With all such awesome unscrupulous situations around “To live happily and righteously” is a delirious dilemma and a Herculean task. Life has become too much pitiable and painful. Thus the life today calls for innovative and creative handling of its chaotic situations so that it becomes smooth and peaceful. And this can be called as “The art of living”.
In the following deliberations it has been assumed that “WE HAVE TO LIVE HARMONIOUSLY AS PER THE DIRECTIONS OF the SCRIPTURES AND THE REQUIREMENT OF THE PREVAILING SOCIETY”. And to achieve the same the art of living has been considered with utmost significance.

To practice the above art, “The art of telling a NO” has been considered as one of the most important tools.

Here we assume that “Telling a lie with a divine purpose behind it” is not forbidden. A lie, though is not approved in the scriptures solves many embarrassments, bloodsheds, and definitely helps a man at this age to live with dignity. And if it is permitted, it will add to the value of the art under discussion. Further all active performances such as sports, games and even arts in any form have some elements of spirit of lie, pretension and falsehood interwoven in them. Let us accept that a lie committed for a divine good is pardonable and has the scriptural sanction. Further the normal concept of a lie and a truth as perceived by our senses, has been accepted as absolute truth. But this may not be true and may be an illusion because the perceptions by our senses. Definitely our senses have a limitation and may be subject to parallax. Hence “Telling a lie with divinity” has to have spiritual sanction.

With this background, of aiding to the art of living and with spiritual sanction on “Telling a lie” with divinity, we will discuss some aspects of this noble art that is the art of telling a “NO”.

If the practices in the art of living adopt the path of truth or are dedicated in searching the truth it may be taken as living in a righteous and spiritual path and has HIS blessings. This will bring divine bliss to life even amidst forbidden but prevailing demoniac natures such as greed, lust and anger. In such practices one may have to face the wrath and anger from society on one’s path to have a bare minimum for one’s own existence. Among all the adverse circumstances and conflicting situations the art of telling “No”” has to become a part of our life so as to make a life comfortable and delightful.
The word “Art” is synonymous with something creative, and innovative as well as pleasant and beautiful. It must be unique. It must be a piece for appreciation by the society. Hence the art of telling “NO” cannot be postulated in any theory and should be left to the talents and imaginations of the artist. But here the art must also follow the scriptures and should serve as means to make the life enjoyable.
A “NO” can be expressed in various postures, tones, with modulated pitches and acts depending on the elements of time, ego states and relationship so that it conveys the desired meaning and attracts a least adverse reaction even in adversities while delivering the result.

The complexity and simplicity; ugliness and beauty, foul and sweet, smell and sight generated and tackled by this art with resultant pitfalls and success are wide and vast. These cannot be possibly dwelt upon at length in this piece of writing. However a small attempt has been made to appreciate the art as an aid to life.

The incidents in the Mahabharat can highlight the importance of this art. Duryodhan’s “NO” to Krishna led to a great war where as Krishna’s “No” to Duryodhan for assistance in the war is never questioned.
All his brothers accepted Yudhistir’s ‘no’ in the matter of showing resistance to Draupadi’s unclothing by Dushashan, which resulted in her humiliation before all the elders and courtiers in kurusabha and Lord Krishna had to come. As a ‘no’ could not be told to Kunti’s proposition Draupadi was shared by the five Pandava brothers (With due reverence to the pious lady) Also examples are Ram and Laxman leaving Sita to her fate in a wel anticipated trap in the Ramayan. So it is not denying the fact that yes men often land us in serious predicaments and make living miserable.
This art perhaps partly failed when Kaikei executed it for her son.

An art is innovative. It cannot be taught, memorized, copied or directed but can be tailor-made as per contemplation. Hence this art can be discussed and analyzed. Any art or any work of creativity has some dependence on the background of the artist. His learning, experiences, surroundings environment over and above his inborn caliber play a major role in his creation. The courses adopted in art school ease the difficulties behind a piece of art while the thought; concept and contemplation are getting translated on to a canvas. These provide the guidance and impart expertise of eminent artists and a platform to study and analyze the previous works to learn the intricacies of the influences and inspirations behind them with the techniques adopted there in. Additionally they teach the methods of marketing i.e. developing the appreciators. If people do not know cricket then they cannot enjoy and hence there will be no spectators for the game. Similarly marketing this art means developing social awareness in this regard which will make life a blissful in the long run and earn respect to the artist without hurting others.

With these postulates in the background, here are the analysis and illustrations of this art, of telling “NO”. We hope that these may be of interest to the artists and the society on this art to make life more meaningful and beautiful.

What is its importance?

When a child is born, he has no vices and does not know either virtue or vice. But he has virtuous qualities, which God bestows upon him. As an example, a child will like to be a Ram and hate to be a Ravan. He cannot stay angry for a long time because of his inherent divine connection. He does not know “what is a noble or an ignoble deed?” But over the years he becomes complex and is made to pick up the bad qualities such as a) Ostentation b) Vanity c) Arrogance d) Harshness e) Anger f) Senselessness which are made to increase with equisetum of prevailing information, knowledge in the society.
If you analyze, you may see most of them have been thrust upon him because he does not tell a “NO” at right earnest, at the right moment. A child is simple and supposed to have all divine qualities of purity, love, bliss, compassion and truth etc. But he changes with worldly information and observations and practices. His divine and latent knowledge changes to ignorance and demoniac. If you analyze, we will find that many of them can be attributed to the fact that a “NO” could not be told to such learned behaviors and urges either internal or external at right time and with right earnest. As the teenage is a difficult age the art need to be perceptive todrive home the theme.

CATEGORIZATION AND THEMATIC ANALYSIS
We may divide the art of telling “NO” in to two categories. First category concerns objects involving man’s outer self. The second category concerns his inner self. Inner self involves his own nature. And outer self means society, which is external to his inner self. We may name them as “NO” to outer self and “NO” to inner self.
Further a “NO” can be interacted between any two of the three ego states, which are known as parent, adult, and child ego states. The art must be invoked according to prevailing inter acting ego states.
Considering the interpersonal relationship of interacting parties we may broadly divide application of the art based on the Inter acting relationships in to the following five groups..

A Filial affection
B companionship
C servitude
D conjugal love
E Devotional And Dinine relationsmip

The applications of the art in any situation may be conceptualized to suite to any one of these categories or to a combination of the categories. Considering the situations, relationship, ego states, and previous historical facts the artist must contemplate the art before executing the same. The tools and conception can be drawn from live examples interacted in the above relationship.

Questions come as to whether we have missed social and educational phase of life. They come under any of the above categories or combination of them. Whether element of time has any contribution? However considering the importance of all such considerations and to ease the inherent explanations we have further classified the applicable situations in to various categories as under: ( As per the executing modes)

1) Time dependant art
2) Motherly art
3) Child line art
4) Friendly art
5) Servitude art
6) Husband wife art
7) Lovers’ art
8) Divine Devotee art

Others are a) Deaf ear response b) cajoling art c) fighting art d) Telling a lie art e) threatening f) Third party interaction g) Bribing h) Emphatic art h) Issue- diverting I) Praying or appeasing art j) Quarrelling. K) Absent minded art (Both yes or no and knowing and unknowing) l) Confusing “NO” m) Lawyer’s interpreted “NO”n) A stage actor’s ‘no’ o) Response against Statutory fear p) Apprehending “NO” etc.

Some may come broadly under distinct categories as above others may come under combinations of said categories for execution.

Definitions and elaborations on each are being avoided for limiting the length of the article. The names of the categories amply describe the required inherent methods for application. It also reveals the historical analysis of art and methods so far used with success and failures. A few examples and deliberations on the adoption of the above arts primarily based on interpersonal relationship are enumerated as under.
FILIAL AFFECTION

The interaction between child with mother; father and others can be included in this. A mother with any background poor or rich, educated or uneducated tells ‘No’ to the child in many incidents. The child accepts and invariably intended results are achieved. Similarly child gets his job done through his “NO”. The mother must prevent the child to hate and stay away from his improper and immoral aspirations. During this phase the child should be taught for correctly telling a ‘no’ fearlessly.
It is a feat to be watched and emulated. Is it not an act of love or innocence, which means that the child accept the “NO” without fear of any adverse consequence? And so also is the case for a mother. Can it not be executed in most of the cases as “Love” is accepted as a greatest weapon.

COMPANIONSHIP

The young age is the most vulnerable period. If it is let free without resistance in form of no youth adopts wrong practices starting from smoking to drinking and cultivates many bad habits, which become difficult to be shunned in the later part of the life. Strict vigil and guidance are required from parents, teachers, elders, society and above all from youth themselves with “NO”s to both outer and inner wrongs and immoral urges.
Here I am tempted to add some methods adopted by friends as an art on “NO”‘ for avoiding payment after a visit to a restaurant or before a visit to picture hall. There are friends who always pay after a group meal or tiffin even at the hardship to their parents. There are friends who will bring out ten -rupee notes when the expenditure is only 50 paisa, thus to be relieved of the payment. At times in order to avoid payment, finishing the foodstuff from the plate and washing the hands would be purposefully delayed. At times a tight pant and toilet would help some in avoiding the payment. Searching for handkerchief, talking to a new arrival in the restaurant also would help.”. The intention is “Let the accompanying friends settle the bills”. These methods and tactics may be treated as arts of “NO”. The tacts are so many that even staying together for a long period in a hostel some such innovative friends could not be exposed fully. It means that artists are experts and their arts are genious. But at times in a boarding college when a senior saves a junior from ragging and asks the junior to take him by cycle on double loading to a restaurant at the junior’s cost, the art to tell “NO” becomes difficult to draw. The art for the instance is to be contemplated.

SERVITUDE

Here fear prevents a right no at right time. We must look at the scriptures while dealing union colleagues, superiors, customers etc. They have to be trained and drawn to scriptural wavelength, but the application must be modulated for survival till good senses prevail.
I may be permitted to quote an example.

It is called HRD method (HAU RAHA DEKHIBA). Methods. The story goes as-

A union leader came and asked for an elephant from sky .In the meeting it was assured emphatically to concede to his demand. But time was taken and the D‘day was postponed twice and further agreement was reached for a horse from China. Again time was taken and the gift was postponed for some reason or other and the union leader was persuaded to ask for a alternative gift. He mellowed down the demand of Chinese horse to a Bhubaneswar chicken. Let us encourage such HRD artists.

A friend argued that scripture permit to accept a boss in telling a banyan tree as a palm tree. His logic is that we may not be able to possibly see and perceive the tree through our senses. Hence he suggests in accepting the boss and leaving the consequences to future. They will be taken care of by either God or time. This may be an acceptable method to silence your conscience to avoid in telling “NO” to the so-called boss.

But scripture tells to go as per Dharma and Truth surrendering the fruit of your action to God.

Time gives solution to many embarrassing and conflicting situations. But by hook or by all means ne must stick to the truth. History tells that one may face initial hardship but he will win in the long run.

CONJUGAL LOVE

Under this relationship you have to apply the art of telling a no very tactfully .you have to live a long time with your wife knowing each other very intimately. So telling ‘NO’ to your wife in situation when wants should be taking utmost care not to hurt her sentiment. The ‘NO’ of course will not cause any hurt or harm if the relationship of husband and wife is based on mutual faith, fellow feelings and divine understanding. If the couple pray together, worship together and chat together at same wavelength of mental state the just and proper ‘NO’ will not cause any misunderstanding resentment. Under such relationship and vast canvass artist has to be always alert to use arts adopted under all relationships, and under all ego states to create any of his arts at any time. Conjugal life needs “On line art. Lord Ram could not tell a “No” to Sita and Sita was snatched and Ram could not tell “No’ for Sita and she went under ground. Divorces occur, homicides occur and family is ruined if the art is not skillfully executed on the online basis. Generally on this art woman scores over man. Dues it mean the tools of the lady is tobe adopted in the art?

DEVOTION AND DIVINE

Life we dedicate the fruit of action at HIS feet and abide scripture and truth. The “No” becomes divine.
Divine art means it has meaning of divinity behind it.

At times we are in a fix and violate the prescribed path in scripture mostly because of our ignorance leading to confusion and dilemma. At times also we do if for our survival, which may be or may not be out of greed. We pray and tell “NO”.

Some times we first tell “NO” and then justify it and pray for its spiritual sanction or for atonement.
Because of many factors the thin line between good and bad eludes our conscience and confuses us. Hence conscience fails to demarcate a distinct line between divine and demonic e.g. good or bad ego and it becomes thinner and thinner with ignorance. However the art should use the divine tools like love, fearlessness, truth, peace, softness, smiling face, purity, agelessness, kindness etc to tell “NO”

An example of a dilemma of conscience, mercy and duty is worth mentioning.
A needy schoolteacher who was a cancer patient requests a senior executive of a public sector company for a job for his only son. The senior executive was once his pet student and owes reverence and gratitude for the teacher. The following alternatives were available to him.
1) to tell emphatically No
2) to tell he would see but chances are the least.
3) to pray for the teacher’s son.
4) to do manipulation for the son.
5) to avoid the teacher
6) to arrange training for the teacher’s son at his own cost so that he became employable and help in finding a job.
The art may be contemplated.

We have seen the art of “NO” applied to others other than own self. We should also discuss the art applicable to our own self. Scriptures tell, “Mind is our own friend, our own enemy and our own teacher”. Hence the art is and should be made applicable to the self. Further the scriptures emphatically advise us to tell “NO” to Lust, Anger and Ego. These methods of telling ‘no’ also can be classified under the following types based on the tools for the method.

1) Diverting the desire
2) Restricting the desire
3) Practicing with a “NO” to the desire
4) Meditation
5) Austerity and penance
6) Reading, thinking and practising the teachings of scriptures
7) Performing Japa
8) Worshiping
9) Surrendering any thing done, thought and contemplated at the feet of LORD

CONCLUSION

It is seen that “Telling no” where it is required as per scriptures, always pays and commands respect but you have to tell a “No” with all divine thoughts, feelings and intentions behind it as per the situations judged, contemplated and comprehended. The art must be applied in such a manner that “NO” becomes effective and lasting. For a blissful leaving the art should beapplied and accepted with true spirit of DHARMA and truth.

But a “NO” must be told at right time before it becomes too late, otherwise the result will be catastrophic.

The art of telling “NO” should approach telling the truth in real sense of the term. Satya is Paeamdhimayi. This art should aim at and based on the principle of “LOVE AND SERVE”.