(ICTP2) Incident At The Centre Of The Universe - Part 7 - Last Part

It had been a funny sort of day to say the least; first the incident at “The Centre of the universe” and now discovering that Matrick had gained entrance to his apartment while he was out and was lying in wait for him with a fully charged Laz Lugar and a Hermes™ Mail teleportation device.

“By the way”, said Matrick as she tightened the knots around his wrists and ankles and flattenened duck tape gently across his screaming mouth, enjoying the look of terror and bewilderment in his wildly rolling eyes, “Your friend Warden is dead. I gave him a Leon Trotsky special, buried an ice pick deep between his ears. He had to go though, he was an undercover police officer you know, sent to live among us, gain our trust, unfortunately, unlike myself, he was weak; started to care about those he was sent to betray. I have no such qualms and thus I have carried out the instructions of my paymasters to the letter. Infiltrate the Cult of Beanianity, gain the confidence of its followers, overthrow its leadership and turn the cult from the path of love towards hatred and destruction ”.

Then she gently lifted up Alchemi’s head and slid the mouth of the mail teleporter over it and Alchemi saw a veil of darkness descend across his eyes, “This is a bit like those old 20th century Fax machines, except you can send packages, excellent for sending untraceable letter bombs I find. You just put in the package that you want to send, type in the address and port code of the person that you’re sending it to and bob’s your auntie. I don’t think anyone’s ever sent a living head before though but there’s always a first time for everything and my masters told me they wanted your head delivered to them”.

Then, suddenly, Alchemi heard his holophone sing and then the hurried, high pitched voice of none other than President Pork E Pig himself, stammering and stuttering his way through a congratulatory speech, “G-g-good work M-m-matrick”, said the cartoon pig, “Your m-m-money has b-b-been deposited into the usual b-b-bank account. But there is the m-m-matter of the g-g-girl to consider. She’s a fugitive in time now and could be anywhen. M-m-mammon will not be p-p-leased ”.

But then Alchemi heard the door of his apartment crash open and a loud scuffle ensue between Matrick and what sounded like at least four other people and then, to his immense relief, the veil of the mail teleporter was lifted from his eyes and, looking down at him was a strange elderly woman with a green, spiky punk haircut.

“Looks like we’re right on time”, said the woman, peeling the duck tape gently from his lips.

Then the face of the Prophet, Sawney Bean did appear above him and, beside it, the purple bobbed head of Anoushka, “The Deliverer”, his astonished face reflected in her mirrored sunglasses.

“Sister Ocean has told us how the faith that I founded has been corrupted and used to promote terrorism and I must say that I was shocked. I always thought of it as a belief in love and kindness but I suppose, no matter how well you make the medicine, people can always find a way to turn it into poison”, said Sawney.

“Funny, that’s just what Mary Magdelene said when I told her about the Spanish Inquisition”, said the old green haired woman.

“Sister Ocean?”, asked Alchemi.

“After Tom died I travelled around time and space like a Hobo for six decades, I got really tired of the name Fassion. It just didn’t fit the person I had become.”, said the old woman and , sitting upright, Sawney saw that it was Fassion Ikon only now she looked more like an old green haired bag lady dressed in ragged clothes from different periods of human history.

She tried to kiss him and he flinched,pulling away
from her.

“Beauty fades and so does the ardour of young men”, she laughed, “But I’m not offended.
I’ve had more lovers than Casanova in my time and I’m a bit tired of love now anyway but I’m still very grateful to you Kemmy for saving my life twice”.

“Twice?”, asked Alchemi.

But, just then, they all heard a bleeping noise from the Hermes mail teleporter and looking down, Sawney saw the words “Deliverence In Progress” flicker in neon red across its display screen.

“What is that?”, asked Alchemi.

“J-j-just call it the c-cremation of c-cares”, said Pork E. Pig giggling wickedly from the Holophone , “Or as I always say, “T-t-hats all…”

Alchemi still had his wrists bound together behind his back but, turning quickly, he grabbed hold of the mail teleporter and yanked its plug out of the wall socket then, to his horror, President Pork E Pig saw the parcel bomb that he had just sent by mail teleporter rematerialize undelivered.

“… f-f-fuck!”, he said.