The Adventure on Sluttysuck III

Our stunningly brave and wonderfully endowed Hero Flash Farto mysteriously arrives on board a pickle shaped spaceship in orbit around a planet of mist called Sluckysuck III, without a memory of how he arrived there, a mysterious dried up sausage in one hand and a nuclear powered subatomic deathray exterminator wristwatch in the other. Little does he know that his memory has been interfered with by the evil Galactic Mong Ruler, Fang and his interstellar transmat beam has been intercepted to ensure he loses his army of female followers by unwittingly being the lead judge in the 494th Miss Galaxy competition, this year controversially sponsored by Astro Anti-Gravity Bras.

The alien slaves of the evil Fang, the Flangefudgers of Sluckysuck III have trapped Flash and his ship's human crew, Captain Muriel, Curvy Carol, 36-24-34 a part time mum and light-welterweight postman from Ludlow, who really knows how to fill a bikini and judging from the fan mail she’s going to get, she can empty our sacks anytime! Carol is the reigning miss Mount Pleasant taking home a cheque for £500 and a pearl necklace as her prize. Also trapped by the Flangefudgers is John, a semi-retarded, formula 3 butcher from Essex in a state of semi-permanent paralysis. When Flash arrives in their control room and investigates, the Flangefudgers steal the escape mechanism from his travelband, thus trapping him and his companions on board with just a sausage, a bomb and a zone three oyster card.

‘Good grief! We’re trapped, Flash!’ cries his delicious agile and able assistant and devoted companion, Honey Crevice, who throws herself into Flash’s arms, but misses and lands on John’s lap instead, confused. Flash is forced into a dilemma, the silver pants with the go-faster stripe or the purple, starkiller catsuit. He knows all about the Miss Flangefudger competition and knows that if he is seen attending, his feminist following will be up in arms. Probably in the feminist disco dancing to I Will Survive.

The Flangefudgers allow all but Muriel and Honey, suddenly revived from the evil Dark Baron’s crysto-survivofreeze capsule where she has no memory, down to the planet, where Ian the Intrepid nephew of Flash, seconded to the planet in the direct hope that he would be chosen as lead judge for the contest, falls from his fearless warrior donkey Alan whilst riding into battle and disappears from the rest of this story.

Augmented Alan meanwhile is captured and is suddenly stricken by the lethal spaceplague that has been wiping out the Flangefudgers all across the globe. Flash changes into his silver pants and flies to the planet holding his breath and his stomach in to find a cure. His investigations into the cause of the spaceplague are hampered by the subversive activities of the planet’s Dark Baron, Harry McNab, vice-chancellor, chancellor of vice and leading tax evasion specialist, but eventually he uncovers three deranged human survivors from a past expedition who have been living on fuzz, fizz and a new gin from Fex called Fazz and adding deadly posion to the planets supply of corn snacks, staple diet of the Flangefudgers, who have unwittingly become pawns and slaves of Fang in his plan to conquer the Universe, destroy Flash Farto and force Honey to become his loveslave forever.

As Flash lands on Sluckysuck III, the eerie whistling sound of the approaching Flangefudger ships stops suddenly and Curvy Carol can sense the creatures all around, as she peddles her bicycle around the control room, swinging her pearls and bouncing so joyously that Flash’s concentration wavers and his silver pants tighten unexpectedly, thankfully at the front. As the travellers wait apprehensively behind the judging counter, it is Flash who first sees the shape of a Flangefudger pressed against the ship's viewing port, gaping in wonder and flicking the V’s. The contest is about to begin, Curvy Carol is hot favourite and Flash is trapped!

The Flangefudgers telepathically contact Honey Crevice as she tends to Alan in the donkey wing of Flange wonderland and reluctantly accedes to their request of slipping into something more comfortable and accompanying them or risk Alan being put to death, then onto the post contest menu. Telling Flash and the others to stay where they are, she opens the control room hatch and reveals two of the alien creatures waiting for her beyond. She explains that she has agreed to go with them down to their planet, shimmies off her space overalls revealing a slit sided, little three piece with star nipple covers. She leaves with them and they close the hatch behind them. Flash tries to control his emotions, but a little farts slips out. Everyone pretends they did not hear it and Flash presses his head against the glass as Honey is taken away.

Having drunk some of the poisoned aqueduct liquidised corn snack water provided by the Evil Harry McNab, Alan quickly falls sicker just as Honey was helping him to recover and starts choking. He collapses to the floor and the Frank Simpson, King of the Flangefudgers sadly confirms that there is no hope; Alan is dying. Honey clings sluttishly to Frank and wails. Flash hears her tortured cries and smashes open a window with his ribs, steals a 9900 gold plated hydropod Speedqueen and speeds to her side, front and back. But when he arrives on Donkeywing, after signing a few autographs and doing his ‘ere ahh then’ joke, he is aghast to discover that Honey has vanished with Frank.

Flash Farto can stand the tension no longer and changes into his slightly looser fit, green spangly pants, then goes to the aqueduct leading from their control room prison and leading outside in the hope of finding the cause of the poisoning and finds some deadly nightshade in Harry McNab’s robes. He looks up as a low animal growl sounds in the darkness. It is Harry and he is hungry. As Harry McNab is revealed to truly be the enormous and Flangefudger natural gas enhanced Galactic ruler Fang, he and Flash circle each other, preparing for battle.

Meanwhile Curvy Carol, 22, loves cats and home cooking, is on her way to see what is keeping Flash and the half-recovered Alan, the Wonder Donkey. Suddenly a hand is clamped over her mouth and she is dragged away into the darkness of the aquaduct, as the other hand wanders all over her midriff. Flash hears her muffled cries with his augmented Bionic ears at the same time as he hears Honey’s muffled moans. Angered and confused, Flash attacks the chuckling Fang, pinning him down with his ears and tying him to a gas main as a faint hissing sound is heard. As Flash rushes along endless silver corridors, Honey stumbles from a door, breathless and dishevelled. From the judging arena a booming voice is heard.

‘Ladies, gentlemen, arthropods, monogoloids, Flangefudgers, it is a very great and I must say… a very real honour to welcome you all to the 494th annual Hot ‘n’ Easy Hunny of the Universe competition!’

‘By the Space Mice of Lorn, Honey!’ gasps Flash gratefully. ‘Where in the black holes of heaven have you been?’

‘I’ve… errr… been trying to escape! Yes that’s it, I’ve been fighting with the head of security here while he tried to tie me up and do unspeakably nasty things to me!’ she cries. Flash grasps her close to him and they embrace, then Flash dashes into the room and a few bashes and crashes are heard, as Simpson the head of slack security is heartily beaten unconscious.

‘You’re all hot and sweaty, you must have put up a hell of a fight’ exclaims Flash when he returns.

‘It was quite a performance, even if I say so myself’ replies Honey and with that, they dash back towards the spaceport, free Captain Muriel and the drooling vegetable John from almost certain temptation and subsequent naughtiness and despite a fierce struggle, pack them into their ship and launch them back to earth as the two men beat against the hull in utter anguish, weeping piteously.

‘And now, the bikini section and first up is Miss Europe, miss Carol Twist!! Oh dear… miss Twist seems to be suffering from a err… shall we say a wardrobe malfunction…’ More agonised howls escape from the spaceship as it jets into the night sky.

Watching the image of Muriel’s escaping ship heading back to Earth on The Worldwide Web of Dreams, the recovered and freshly brushed Alan comments that at least he and his crew know where they are going and that at last he has that nob Ian off his back now Ian has succumbed to a combination of Flangefudger poison and a couple of Wonder Donkey roundhouse kicks. Flash takes offence at this comment and determines to eject Alan from the ship at their very next port of call. They gratefully enter the FARTOBLASTER and leave Sluckysuck III behind them, but the main doors suddenly fly open of their own accord just before it materialises, causing it to run out of control.

On emerging, Flash, Alan and Honey discover that the ship has been reduced in size and they are now only about an inch tall. Back on Sluckysuck, Carol finishes third, throws a strop and flounces out of the final ceremony pursued by males of various races all eager to console her.

In thier miniaturised state meanwhile, Brave, courageous Flash, Honey and less than brave Alan stumble across a plot by a ruthless Earthling businessman, Frankie ‘The Flan’ Flanagan and his misguided scientist colleague, Charlie Dooglepod, to launch a new juvenile popband named Dangernix - a band that produces a sound so destructive that it would kill not only every human being on earth without correct protection, but can also send mesmowaves of popshit into space and drag incoming warfleets of battle hardened spacerats out of their minds.

Frankie the Flan is even willing to commit murder to ensure the success of his new all conquering boyband business, as civil servant Arnie ‘The Axe’ Farmhandle discovers to his cost, when he tries to bump Frankie off and steal the young boys ready to destroy the world. Farmhandle has been shot by Frankie and the miniaturised travellers investigate the body, Alan taking the legs, Flash the head and Honey the enormous and enormously interesting bits in between.

Suddenly Honey realises that they are being intently watched by a giant black cat and all her clothes fall off as she screams at the giant pussy.

Meanwhile Dooglepod goes into the laboratory to wash his hands, unaware that Flash and Honey have fled from the cat and are hiding in the water tank over the lab slab and Flash is forced to hold Honey’s naked body close to him to keep her warm. As a helpless Alan watches from the window after his incredibly fast retreat, Dooglepod fills the sink with water from the tank, washes, and then pulls out the plug, sucking the helpless Flash and Honey towards the giant sewers.

The criminals are eventually brought to justice when Flash and Honey manage to cling to a discarded cotton bud as it sticks across the plughole and clamber to safety, are reunited with Alan, who gallops them to the desk, where hampered by the fact that Honey has already been made ill when she accidentally overheard one of the band, Zarkon Storey warming up, they hit upon a plan. Flash jumps excitedly onto the table, peels off his turquoise spacevest and tampers with the Temperon telephone in the laboratory, thus fuelling the suspicions of the local policewoman and sabre baker Hilda Ramsbottom, who sends her police detective husband Bert Comet to investigate.

With Bert arresting Frankie, Flash, Honey and Alan rush back to the ship and as they depart the planet, are thankfully returned to normal size. Flash Farto checks the newly repaired scanner screen for their next destination. It shows only interference. The FARTOBLASTER starts to materialise and Flash hopes to discover its latest arrival point, as Alan goes into the space stable for a rest and Honey licks her lips saucily…

The mysterious dried up sausage remained on Sluckysuck III, still mysterious.