Clive the Mouse

Clive the Mouse is the sweetest, kindest mouse in all the land. He lives in a MacBondalds near you with his favourite and only friend in the world, Lucy Mouse. Clive lives in true happiness, sleeping all-day and foraging in the deserted restaurant by night with Lucy.
Clive loved to forage through MacBondalds, playing with Lucy and looking for his favourite nibbles, stale burger buns, bits of lovely burger cheese and tomato stalks. He also liked to stroll around to the waste pipes and have a nice, relaxing poo.
Lucy however was not as keen on playing with Clive as Clive was on playing with Lucy. She played now and again, but not every night, as Clive wished. Instead Lucy was food-mad. She loved to eat. Burger buns and tomato stalks were not enough for her. She wanted chicken, lots and lots of chicken, she loved chicken and could not get enough. Lucy was chicken mad. And not just chicken, leftover skins from milk shakes, fries, yoghurt, apple pie and most of all, the king of all her food desires, burgers with bits of gherkin left on them. Mmmmmmmmm what Lucy would not do for a little gherkin.
Time and again Clive begged Lucy to be careful. He knew that every now and again, Tall Claude the evil pest man would surprise them with a night-time visit.
Evil Tall Claude was the exterminator man who had wiped out Clive’s family and killed all his friends with the exception of the lovely Lucy Mouse, who was hiding inside a shake carton last time he visited. Clive hated Tall Claude and hoped he would fall down an open manhole filled with pins.
Lucy would not heed Clive’s words however and every night she would set off with Clive reluctantly following her thorough their secret tunnels beneath the restaurant, tunnels that came up in all the best places; the store room, the rubbish room and best of all, every bin in McBondald’s. These were the places Lucy loved. Discarded wrappers and packets usually containing a few leftover fries, lovely delish chicken nuggets, milk shakes and best of all, those lovely burgers with gherkins!
Clive would normally wake up and get up before the lazy Lucy and help himself to the burger buns and tomato stalks from the rubbish room, which Lucy only ate when she could find no other food to keep her wobbly body going.
Well, one dark and stormy night, as Clive and Lucy were scurrying through their tunnels and digging into the bins, Clive thought he heard a footstep in the restaurant. Clive scurried off to investigate while Lucy stuffed her fat, mousey face. Clive ran along a tunnel, then up a secret passage that led to the drain in the middle of the restaurant floor. Here he took a secret peek around. Initially he saw or heard nothing. He was just about to return to Lucy’s bin when he saw the figure of the evil Tall Claude, mouse-killer looking over him! Terror! How little Clive squeaked with fright!
Clive ran down the secret passage and down the tunnel as fast as his little, mousey legs could carry him. He reached Lucy’s bin and breathlessly told her about the arrival of the evil Tall Claude. Lucy though, was gorging herself on beefy gherkin and would not be led away from the bin of delights to their safe little pad.
Clive, filled with fear and anguish, ran out of the bin and tried to make as much squeaky noise and rustle noise as he could in the hope of luring Tall Claude away from the bin and saving Lucy from his vile clutches.
To no avail. Tall Claude was evil, but thorough. He had a plan of the restaurant and he was going through it bit by bit. To Clive’s dismay, Tall Claude had heard Lucy’s greedy rustling in the bin and had snuck up on her. Carefully and quietly Tall Claude had removed the lid of the bin holding Lucy and hoisted up the bin liner, carrying off everything inside it, including a panicked fat Lucy! Her gherkin quest had ended in the vile hands of smelly Tall Claude, the mouse killer!
Tall Claude carried the bag to the table where his bag of evil, mouse-killing equipment was stored and as Clive looked helplessly on, lifted fat Lucy out of the bin bag by her tail. How Lucy squirmed and struggled to get free as nasty, smelly tall Claude opened his box of death and, with a deep, nasty laugh, he dropped Lucy theatrically into it and slammed the lid closed. Clive cried ‘AHHHHHHHHHHHH!’ He had seen so many of his friends dropped into that box of death before and none had ever returned. The box contained a deadly poison, which was made up of small flakes of white stuff. Killer stuff! For mice anyway.
Clive was lost in sadness and despair. His only friend in the world gone to mousey heaven along with everybody else he had ever known. All of them murdered by nasty tall Claude! Clive swore his revenge.
So while tall Claude went into the storeroom and the rubbish room and the kitchen and the big people changing rooms, Clive ran from his hiding place, across the smooth, slidey, dark floor and up the table leg onto tall Claude’s stuff table.
He paused for a moment to look at the box of death and tear after tear fell from his small mousey face as he thought of Lucy running around inside getting weaker and weaker, then collapsing onto the floor of the box of death. Dead. He sniffed his big, runny mousey nose, flicked away his tears and clambered into tall Claude’s bag of nasty, mouse-killing stuff.
He had a good sniff around, while keeping a careful mousey ear open for tall Claude’s approach. He found a small box with buttons all over it and a wire leading from the bottom of it and chewed and gnawed away until the cable was broken, then found another box and did the same. He listened carefully for tall Claude and was about to run for safety when his mousey nose whibbled. Now, Clive’s nose only whibbled when something very, very tasty was nearby.
The source of the nibble was wrapped in Clingfilm behind the nasty stuff. Clive had a little sniff, then began ripping at the Clingfilm. Inside were the most delicious smelling, tasty looking sandwiches had ever seen in his life. After all, his entire had been spent in McBondald’s he was not used to good food.
His overriding temptation was to get stuck into this vast banquet of sandwiches, but another thought struck him. He was trying to punish tall Claude for his crimes against Mousekind. So looking carefully around him, Clive pushed open the top sandwich and squeezed himself inside. His slick skin was getting covered in a mixture of mustard and something wonderful and Clive was thinking of the joy that awaited him in his safe pad later, licking all this deliciousness from his body, albeit alone.
Instead he pushed himself into the very centre of the sandwich and started to poo. He had eaten heavily the previous evening and his poo took some time. ‘This’ll teach him’ thought Clive, happily pooing. ‘This’ll teach him to kill all my friends and take away my true love, Lucy’.
At that moment, though, the top of the sandwich was lifted from his happily pooing body and a torch flashed in his startled face. It was tall Claude!
Clive panicked and tried to run away in fright, but tall Claude was too quick for him and grabbed him by the tail, lifting him into the air.
Clive kicked and squeaked and pooed and squirmed, but tall Claude would not let go and hoisted Clive closer and closer to the box of death.
Tall Claude laughed and said something human that little mousey Clive could not understand. The box of death was opened and tall Claude dangled Clive over it for a few seconds, prolonging his agony. Then, the pressure on his tail was released as tall Claude opened his chubby, smelly fingers and Clive fell through the air and THUMPed onto the floor of the box of death. Clive just had enough time to scramble to his feet and look up through the lid at the last flash of light he thought he would ever see, before the lid was slammed shut and Clive prepared himself for death.
Clive sat miserably on the floor of the box of death and began to cry. The sound of his weeping though, caused a stir in the gloom of the box. Clive leaped back in surprise and alarm, bumping his mousey bum against the wall of the box. Something else was in the box with him and it sounded like it was eating!
‘OH MY MOUSEY GOD!’ thought Clive. ‘This is it. I’m going to be eaten to death like a tasty little marshmallow’. He froze, not daring to move in case it sped the arrival of the teeth of death. An hour passed and Clive had cramp all over his mousey little body. There was movement in the gloom of the box. His eyes were used to the darkness now and he could see a large, wobbly shape gloom looming and heading his way. This was it. He would now know how all his little mousey mates had net their end.
Clive screamed. Like this ‘eeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhh’ as a figure lurked out of the murk.
‘Shift over Clive, I want the coconut you’re sitting on’ said the honey sweet ratty voice of Lucy! Clive was overcome with joy! Lucy barged by barge-arse passed the joyous Clive and started nibbling away behind him.
It was at this moment that Clive realised which box he was in. This was what tall Claude called the arsenic box. Tall Claude would drop all the little mice and ratty’s inside and the arsenic fumes would build up and kill whoever was inside! But here was lovely Lucy scoffing down all the arsenic she could find and was getting fatter and stronger and showed no signs of dying at all!
Clive scurried after the gorgeous gorging Lucy and prodded her in the leg to make sure he was not dreaming. The smack in the face her received from Lucy’s fat paw proved he was not.
‘Lucy, you can’t eat this stuff, it’ll kill you’ pleaded Clive, to no avail.
‘Rubbish’ muttered Lucy through big gobfuls of white stuff. ‘It’s delicious, try some, but only a LITTLE. The rest is MINE’.
Oh well thought Clive. If I’m going to die anyway. Clive began nibbling at a little of the white stuff on the floor of the box of death, expecting instant death. Lucy must have some sort of super metabolism thought Clive. But NO. Clive discovered that what they were eating was desiccated coconut!
It seemed that tall Claude adored coconut. He could not live without it. Fresh, flaked, caked or desiccated, Clive loved coconut. As he rose that morning, groggy, bleary-eyed and miserable he had opened his box of coconut by mistake and filled his boxes of death with coconut instead of arsenic. Clive and Lucy were saved! Now all they had to do was get themselves out of the box without being spotted or re-captured by sweaty, tall Claude.
Clive hatched a plan. When they heard sweaty tall Claude returning, they would scream and screech and throw themselves around the box of death. Tall Claude would be terrified out of his wits and either flee or release them, thinking that Supermice dwelt within his box. Supermice so strong and Super, that they could survive the box. And if they survived the box of death, they would survive anything.
Clive told his plan to Lucy, who carried on eating the delicious coconut regardless. Clive listened keenly and when he heard tall Claude approaching, he put his screaming, screeching, throwing himself about plan into action. Lucy joined in reluctantly when Clive scared her out of her ratty wits.
Tall Claude saw the box of death moving by itself and heard the screeches and the screams and believed them to be the screams of every dead mouse and rat he had sent to ratty heaven and ran shrieking and howling from McBondalds in terror.
As did Lucy, when all her and Clive’s throwing about caused the box of death to topple off the table and CRASH to the floor.
‘HURRAY’ hollered Clive, when he had recovered from the fall. The lid of the box of death had been thrown open by the impact of the fall and freedom was theirs!
Clive ran out of the box with glee and beckoned Lucy to follow him. As the coconut within the box had all been consumed, Lucy waddled after him. But OH NO! Lucy had eaten so much coconut that her body had become swollen with fat and she was now far too chubby to squeeze herself out of the box!
Clive had an idea. He scurried into the kitchen and returned with something that glinted in the pale light of the dark restaurant. Clive told Lucy to back into the box, then he climbed in with her.
Positioning himself behind her, Clive urged Lucy to try to force her way out of the box once more and as she moved forwards, Clive rammed a pin firmly into Lucy’s fatty ratty arse and she KAPOWED out of the box in a flash!
Together Clive and Lucy scrambled into their safe little pad and settled down for a nice little sleep. As Lucy drifted off she thought that she had learned a lesson that day, friends are important and so was a balanced diet.
As she slept, Clive planted a soft kiss on her lovely ratty little face and thought about the lesson he had learned. Safety first, he thought. And as he drifted off to sleep he thought, the other lesson I’ve learned is that Lucy is a greedy fat cow who only likes me because I’m a skinny vegetarian.
True love never did run smooth. Especially if your girlfriend is three times your size.
Smelly, sweaty, tall Claude also learnt a lesson. Having mistakenly filled his boxes of death with coconut, the smelly, frightened nasty tall Claude reached his little flat and locked the door. He made himself a lovely cup of tea and cut himself a huge slice of the coconut cake he had made the day before and settled down in his armchair.
Unfortunately, this was an arsenic cake, not a coconut cake and on the third chomping mouthful, tall Claude was killed by his own sleepy mistake and all the little mice and ratty’s had had their revenge and the ghosts of a million dead mice danced with glee around his shabby flat.
Now Clive and Lucy could live happily in their McBondalds forever.