Death is my Living!

;-) There you are, you made me smile, Moya. Many thanks. Much enjoyed. Tina;-)

Hi Denzella, I thought this was great,love the funereal humour and that's not easy to carry off. I see you're shortening your sentences,good job. With a small additional edit it could flow brilliantly. The odd word out in some lines,wont change it, and you will have a more consistent beat. e.g.I've in line 3 so in line4 and a few more 'so's' and 'buts'here and there. I only say this because I appreciate your work and see you improving with every piece.

Hello Denzella, I humbly redirect some of your stanzas simply to show you of another way to look at your subject. Your poem is good, keep writing no matter if you have to use your toes. RLP Death, I Forgive You Is death my living? Must I have a serious sombre face Suited to a funereal pace Well practised, no need to rehearse and slowly walk in front of the hearse? So-called friends of mine cruelly say My face is always lodged in dismay If my face is plain and miserable Then it is eminently suitable I can deny it and will not yield since life has promise of a ploughed field Lines so deep I could grow a fine crop please go there now and don’t stop. In any case, I must earn a living And do so by relatives cheerfully giving A fee to cover all my expenses Cash as always my preferred recompense. To dress in black with a sash and top hat and lead out in front as a diplomat a wife following with son and heir While I choose with an authoritative air… * * These above thoughts leap from my spirit, and remind me how precious each moment life is. I had a stroke, a leaking aneurysm in 1999 which sealed itself and each moment since then is a blessing. I see your poetry is the honest inner workings of a passionate soul. You can choose to write on any subject, please choose life. “Spit any limitations in the eye and defy you’re here and now with time to fly with words of enchantment and not decline people out there have need of your smile.” Best wishes, from Richard and Esther Provencher Truro, Nova Scotia

overall, i like this poem. im not seeing miserable and suitable as rhyming real well. may just be me. and food and shrewd ,the lsat 2 lines of the next to last stanza :seem awkward to me.the coop also seems awkward. but,overall excellent

Hi Moya, Metre is something that poets all struggle with - I find it the hardest thing! The best way to conquer it is to keep writing! To help, I would suggest thinking in syllables. In this poem, you are trying to create a strong rhythm, which often succeeds, but it doesn't quite work in places. Even numbers of syllables work best - for example, Shakespeare always wrote verse in iambic pentameter, which means ten syllables, following an unstressed-stressed pattern. (see http://iambicpentameter.net/ to help!) Let me show you how to play around with your first stanza: I have a serious sombre face (9 syllables) Suited to a funereal pace (9 syllables) Well practised, no need to rehearse (8 syllables) I slowly walk in front of the hearse' (9 syllables) Could be altered thus: 'I have a solemn, sombre face (8 syllables) Suited to a funeral pace (8 syllables) Well practised, no need to rehearse (8 syllables) I slowly walk before the hearse' (8 syllables) All that aside, this is an excellent poem and uses both humour and imagery to great effect. I hope this has been helpful - as I said, metre is my biggest hurdle when it comes to poetry! J x

I really don't know how Shakespeare did it! He was truly a genius and master wordsmith! You are very, very welcome! J x

Hi Denzella, I've just read all these comments and want to congratulate you on triggering such discussion. You are an interesting poet!I love your stuff,keep them coming! Best wishes Maureen