One Last Breath!

Cherry

By Denzella

Sun, 15 Jul 2012
  • 4029 reads
16 comments
 

One Last Breath!

You stood silently by my side
I looked at you with quiet pride
It seems impossible you lied
I tried so hard but still I cried

You told me you had the ‘all clear’
So no need for me to stay near
Though I just wanted to be here
Instead I’ve spent a year in fear

Now you have been taken away from me
Love not enough for God to see
Or hear my soul cry out a plea
To sit with you beneath His tree

It does no good for me to think
Or quench my thirst on love’s sweet drink
Thinking of you makes my heart sink
You must know now I’m on the brink

A lonely figure at life’s edge
I spoke the truth when I made my pledge
I thought nothing then could drive a wedge
But still I’m here on this cliff edge

Deciding between life or death
I leap and use my one last breath!

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Comments

Submitted by Parson Thru on
Desperate stuff denzella. The urgency comes through in the style. Wondered if "I spoke the truth" might fit just as well? Like it.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Denzella on
Hello Parson Thru, Thank you for the read and the comment. Yes I do prefer your version. The reason I did not write it like that was a question of syllables. People have mentioned in the past if one can keep to an equal number of syllables that is better. However, like you I sometimes feel an extra little word can make the difference to how it flows. I'd be interested in your comments. Thanks anyway, Moya
 

Submitted by Linda Wigzell Cress on
Hi Moya, Great poem with dramatic feeling, I too wonder about the 'true', try 'truly' and maybe balance the metre by adding another syllable to the next line, for example 'then' after 'nothing'? Just a thought but its fine as it is! Linda

Linda

Submitted by Denzella on
Linda, As you can see I've taken everyone's suggestions because they are all improvements on my original. Thank you for your help. Moya
 

Submitted by jolono on
Nice rhyming Moya! If I could make one small suggestion: Now you have been taken from me Love not enough for God to see Or hear my soul cry out a plea To sit with you under His own tree might read more fluently if: Now you've been taken away from me Love not enough for God to see Or hear my soul cry out a plea To sit with you beneath his tree. Just my own humble opinion.

 

Submitted by Denzella on
Jlono, As you can see I've taken your suggestion and Parson Thru's as well as part of Linda's. For my next piece If you write the first verse, Linda the second and Parson Thru the third with Rigel writing the final stanza, I think I might be onto a winner. My contribution will be, of course, to collect the cherries. Thank you though Moya
 

Submitted by Rigel on
Good poem, Denzella. Rigel

Submitted by Denzella on
Hello Rigel, Thank you for that though I know my limitations. I know I'm no great poet but that doesn't stop me from trying. I need to read some more of your work though because it's great. So hard to keep up with everyone. Moya
 

Submitted by jolono on
Now there's a thought!

 

Submitted by TVR on
Moya, this was so sad, you very nearly had me in bits at the end. Lovely poem, consistent in rhyme and technically good. I gather by the comment track you’ve taken on board some well-intended advice and the final result looks very good. I didn’t see it beforehand. I have just one request... please, please, defer that final breath for a long time yet. Now, what about popping over to that little chintzy tea shop on the corner and you can tell me all about it? Trev x

TVR

Submitted by Denzella on
Hello Trev, Yes, I'm just about fed up with standing at the cliff edge though I am sorry I used my last breath to push that poor sod over the edge! But, well, it was him or me... Besides, he wouldn't have enjoyed a nice cup of Rosie lea and an iced bun and I certainly didn't want him opening his gob and telling you all about me. He had to be silenced at all costs. Talking of costs, I'll buy the tea if you buy the iced buns. Joking apart, Trev, I much appreciate you commenting on my stuff. Moya
 

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
I could really feel the desperation in this, Moya. I, too, didn't read this poem in its 'infancy', but this I really enjoyed, and it works beautifully. Tina

 

Submitted by Denzella on
Hello Tina, Thank you for the read and your encouraging comment. though I can't take absolute credit as I had help but I try and I do think I am improving. At any rate I now have one poem with cherries Once again, thank you, Moya
 

Submitted by Denzella on
Hello Cherry Pickers,, I hope I find you as happy as I am. I can't believe it! I really can't believe it! Two poems with cherries. I never thought I'd see the day. But I cannot take all the credit here as I had some very sound advice very generously given by fellow ABC Talers. Whoop! Whoop though! That's me spitting out the stones. I can say no more than, once again, thank you, Moya
 

Submitted by jolono on
Well done Moya, don't choke on them stones girl!

 

Submitted by Denzella on
Thanks mate, But as I've said I can't take all the credit because without your help and the help of the others who so generously gave good advice I might still have been cherryless with this little offering. Nevertheless, whoopy do dah! Over and out Moya