Larry Putter And The Wizard's sleeve (bedtime stories for the child inside)

Larry Putter And The Wizard's Sleeve

Lying comfortably children? Then we'll begin.

Larry Putter began his day in the same way as any other.
By taking a bath.

As he got out and dried himself, he gazed in wonder at his naked
body, still fascinated. To most of us, this would be a natural sight,
but to Larry, it was both, wondrous and fascinating.
You see, he was not like most wizards. In the fact that, he had,
both, male and female genitals.
In the normal place he had the male parts. Where as, above that,
he had a (larger than average, he would guess) vagina.
Dressing quickly, he went down to breakfast.

In the corner of the kitchen, sat his faithful companion, Morris.
Morris was a rarity, as he was a two headed cat. One of the heads
(Morris) was as you would expect, a cat’s head. But the other, was
that of a plush, regal parrot, (Rupert).
This did cause some difficulties, as the cat head would often try
to eat the parrot head. This would result in a loud squawk, and the
disappearance of the said head.

Larry set his toast down on the kitchen table and laughed. ‘I wish
you two would just get on with each other.’
The cat head said in a gruff voice. ‘We’ll get along just fine, when
‘It’ stops talking and spraying ‘Its’ seed all in my face.’
Looking shocked, then grabbing its groin with its front paw. ‘If
its spraying in the face you want, ‘Darling’. You only have to ask
nicely.’ The parrot head retorted, camply, in a Portuguese accent.
Dumbfounded, the cat said. ‘You realise that that is mine as well,
that you’re touching?’
Pursing its beak. ‘Yeah! You like it like that, don’t you, ‘Baby’?’
Larry got up and announced his departure to the squabbling pair.
Replying in unison. ‘Okay! Have a nice day.’ They then returned
to their arguing.

On his way to work, he happened to pass a newsagents. There in
The window, was the headline from the local newspaper.

Four Go Missing In Beach Hut Mystery

To most of us, this would seem like any other story on the front
page. But, to Larry, it roused his suspicions. He bought a copy.
The story read:

Four Go Missing In Beach Hut Mystery
Police are still baffled as to the disappearance of four
people from a beach hut.
The four were last seen entering the hut by onlookers
that crowded the beach.
One lady said, ‘I was sat right next to them, when, all
of a sudden, I saw a bright light come from inside the
hut beside me. We thought it was an explosion inside
their hut, as a lot of people use bar-be-cue’s. But, on
kicking down the door, we found it was empty.’
Other witnesses describe seeing a flash of light, then,
a rippling effect in the air surrounding the hut.
Though, a police spokesman later put that down to an
unusually hot summers day’s heat waves.
With temperatures soaring to a record 42 centigrade.
The authorities are putting many of the reports down
to heat stroke.
Chief constable, Donald Merlin, reported. ‘We have
little to go on at the moment. Many eye witnesses on
the beach, reported seeing visions of smoke forming
into the shape of mystical creatures, accompanied by
a strange, pungent odour.
But, as the beer tent has recently been erected on the
beach front, we are discounting these accounts, due,
in effect, to the drink talking.’
The case continues.

Instead of going to the office, he rang in sick, and made his way
back home.
On opening the door, he almost tripped over Morris, as he entered
the cramped hallway.
He shouted behind him, as he walked to the stairs. ‘Morris, please
Can you spit Rupert out. We have work to do.’
The cat opened his jaws and out popped Rupert.
Looking slightly dazed, the parrot (grabbing his privates once again),
mumbled suggestively. 'That's not the first time you've had to spit me
out of your mouth, honey.'
Angry now. 'I told you before about touching yourself...Our self.'
The parrot was amused. 'You don't seem to mind when I clean it
though.' It ran its tongue around its beak.
Embarrassment within his voice. 'That's different. That's necessary.'
Now laughing, the parrot said. 'Is it necessary to purr so loudly when
I do it though?'
Before the feline head could retort, Larry rushed back down the stairs.
He stopped at the door. 'Come on you two. We've got to get to the
beach.'

The beach was only a half hours walk, from door to sand.

On finding the hut, they waited for a distraction, (what better, than a
two headed cat), then Larry slipped under the police cordon tape and
crept inside.
The hut was indeed empty. But, his wizarding instincts told him that
something hienous was about to go down within its walls.
Morris appeared at his feet. 'Found anything?'
Larry hushed him. 'Shhh. I can hear voices. Hold on to my robe.'
In the blink of an eye, they had appeared in the corridor of, what
seemed like a large building. Moving towards the voices, they came
to a curtained doorway. Pushing through, they emerged into a balcony
of, what was clearly, an abandonned theatre.
Following the sounds of the voices, they focused on the wide open
stage.

In the middle of the stage, was drawn, a huge, basic compass. At
each of the four points, stood a person, distraught and in shock.
These must be the four from the beach hut, he knew.
But, in the centre of the quartet, stood a lone figure, wrapped in a
long dark cloak. A witch.
Running to the edge of the balcony, as the witch muttered her evil
incantations, Larry dropped his trousers, shouting. 'Desist in your
witchcraft, foul hag.'
A beam of light shot from his 'lady's area' (like a magical monkey's
forehead), and struck the unsuspecting witch full in the chest.
All on the stage looked up to the balcony.
The witch, coming to her senses, called out. 'Who is this that has
disturbed me so?'
Larry stood on the barrier of the balcony. 'It is I, Larry Putter.'
The witch started to cackle. 'Larry putter. The grotesque ladyboy?'
A little perturbed. 'I'll have you know, I'm all man.'
Another cackle of laughter. 'Yes. Man-gina.'
Larry leapt from the balcony, and flew down onto the stage with
ease. Now, minus his trousers.
As he did so, the witch threw back her cloak, only to reveal her
withered 'witches den'. But, above it, standing out proudly, was
her 'wizards wand',(dark and veiny), to match the enormity of
Larry's 'wizards sleeve.'
The eyes of the petrified onlookers darted from one genital, to
the other, in amazed revulsion.
A smile cut across the witches face. 'Your rancid 'pig-pen' is no
match for my 'pork sword', fool.'
Moving quickly, she called. 'Take that, you drag queen wannabe.'
What looked like a lightning bolt, flashed from her 'love wand'.
Only to be met by Larry's beam, sent from his bits.
He laughed at the expression of astonishment on her face.
The pair battled like that for, what seemed like hours.
Eventually, there was an enormous bombardment of lights and
sounds, culminating in an earth shattering. Bang!!!

As the four normal folk emerged from the beach hut, to everyones
surprise. Nobody noticed the odd looking man, (naked from the
waiste down), and the two headed cat, that quietly slunk off into
the distance.

The moral of this story could be:
The 'Pig-pen' is mightier than the 'Pork sword'.

All was well on the beach front.

That was! Until.

Willy Thick's Small Bottom Carnival, came into town.