The Oblong Problem

I was woken just after 6.42 in the morning by a hammering on my back door.

I threw on some clothes and rushed downstairs, to find Alun in an agitated state.

“We’re famous Jed,” he said.

“Famous,” I said, “well that’s good isn’t it? Fame is the game in the 21st century, it might help my book sales (I write New York crime novels for a living).”

“No Jed, it’s not at all good. Somebody’s been writing about us and it’s not pleasant. Look at this.”

He showed me his ipad, which was showing a website called abctales, a story called ‘The War Problem’. I read the tale with amazement, it was clearly about the time Alun and I declared war on Shepherless Island, though the facts had been twisted and distorted. In the story Shepherdless Island is inhabited by a goat and the whole thing becomes a farce in which the goat constantly outwits us.

“This is terrible,” I said, “it’s a complete lie. The story’s a complete farce, it makes us look complete idiots.”

“And look at how it’s written, Jed, it’s done as a first person narration, so it looks like a genuine account. It pretends to capture your very thoughts, feelings and emotions. Anyone that didn’t know you would believe this was what you were really like. And look at I’m depicted Jed, some sort of bizarre eccentric.”

“But who wrote this? The Other Terrence Oblong?”

“It’s an assumed name, Jed, it must be, people don’t go around with names like The Other Terrence Oblong, that’s just silly.”

“But who is he? He must have known about the war.”

“Not just the war Jed. Look, he’s written over a dozen stories about us, every aspect of our lives. . He’s even got celebrity endorsement, look, a message from Mary Beard. And look how popular the story is, it’s had over 1,000 ‘reads’.”

“Wow, the first folio of Shakespeare had a print run of less than a thousand. This guy’s more popular than Shakespeare.”

“And he’s done it at our expense, Jed. Every one of these stories has been twisted to make us look foolish. In ‘the Mary Beard Problem’ he doesn’t just describe the time Professor Beard came to open our history museum, he makes up some mad sub-plot about Seb Coe leaping over fridges.”

“But who could possibly know about the stories. I didn’t write them.”

“It certainly wasn’t me Jed, you’ve seen my writing.”

It was true. Though Alun is a learned, professional man, his writing is utterly illegible. He’s the only person I know who manages to type with a spidery scrawl.

“What about the boatman,” I suggested, “he’s the only person who visits us, it must be him.”

“Don’t be a fool Jed, the boatman wasn’t even here for most of those stories, how could it be him? Besides, he’s always said that if he was ever going to write a book it would be about the goings on at Interesting Island, he wouldn’t waste his time writing about us.”

“Well if it wasn’t you, it wasn’t me and it wasn’t the boatman who could it be? There isn’t anyone else.”

“It’s a spy Jed. Somebody must be spying on our every move.”

“What, you mean like James Bond?”

“Not James Bond, Jed. You could never narrate a story that features James Bond, you’d be sued for copyright.”

“Well who then?”

“It could be anyone at all Jed – there’s only one way to find out. If we climb to the top of Elephant Mountain with a pair of binoculars we can look for him.”

It sounded like exactly the kind of mad scheme Alun would come up with in one of Other Terrence’s stories. “That’s just ridiculous Alun,” I said, “the Other Terrence Oblong is hardly going to be sitting in a rowing boat watching our goings on with a pair of binoculars.”

However, despite my protestations, Alun was insistent and I had to put my boots on and join Alun as he clumped up Elephant Mountain.

At the top of the mountain (it’s really just a hill, but the ‘m’ word adds a certain grandeur) Alun took out his binoculars and scanned the surrounding seas.

“Look Jed, over there!” He pointed in a north-easterly direction and handed me the binoculars. Sure enough, just a few hundred yards offshore was a man in a rowing boat, with a pair of binoculars turned on the island.

“My god,” I said, “you were right. So the Other Terrence Oblong really is spying on us.”

“Of course I’m right Jed, when have I ever been wrong? I recognise him too. He’s one of those two strange men that live on Oblong Island at the far end of the archipelago.

“Terrence, you mean?”

“No not Terrence, he’s the other one, the Other Terrence.”

“Of course, the Other Terrence. From Oblong Island. His penname sort of makes sense now.”

“This is fantastic Jed. Now we know who he is, we can get revenge.”

“Revenge? That’s sounds very dramatic. I don’t want to get mixed up in anything violent, not after what happened with that goat on Shepherdless Island.”

“That didn’t really happen Jed. The Other Terrence made that bit up, remember? Besides, who said anything about violence? We should seek revenge in kind. We should write a story about The Other Terrence and post it on abctales. With any luck we’ll make him look so foolish he’ll give up writing stories altogether.”

“Good idea,” I said, “so what are you going to write?”

“Not me Jed! You’re the writer. I can barely string a coherent sentence together.” (this is true). “You just have to come up with a brilliant story that makes the Other Terrence looks foolish and gets more ‘reads’ than anything he’s ever written.”

I set to writing as soon as I got home, but really struggled to come up with an idea. Though I write New York crime thrillers I steal most of my ideas from CSI New York and from true stories that have been fed to me by my contacts in the Mafia. Besides, the set-up was a bit limiting. What can you write about two men living alone on an island where nothing much ever happens?

However, after many hours pouring over a blank page I finally came up with an idea and rattled off a story. Alun had set up an abctales account for us and I posted the story on the site.

Within no time at all we’d been given a cherry and The Other Terrence Oblong had become a laughing stock.

“Mark my words Jed,” Alun said, “we won’t see any more stories about us from the Other Terrence Oblong. He’ll have learnt his lesson from this.”