Ex-Bumpers Anonymous

"Today," said Barry, "I would like to welcome two new members!"

"My name is Bob," said Bob, "and I am an ex-bumper."

"My name is Bill," said Bill, "and I am an ex-bumper."

"Thank you," said Barry. "You may sit down."

It wasn't easy for a bumper to sit down - 'ex' or otherwise. Bob and Bill did their best.

"I miss Bernard," said Bob.

"What happened to Bernard?" said Bill.

"He joined a 'fun'fair," said Bob.

A collective intake of breath.

"I hear your inverted commas, brother!" said a bumper who nobody knew the name of. "There's nothing 'fun' about a 'fun'fair!" - he clarified unnecessarily.

"Hm," murmured one or two of the gathered cohorts.

"Not when you're an 'ex' bumper!" the nameless one further clarified, with further unnecessariness.

The were some vague murmurs of assent, but mostly the assembled obsolete car parts where exasperated at the excessive use of exclamation and quotation marks.

"Poor Bernard," said Brian, who was sitting (in the uncomfortable leaning manner of bumpers) next to Bill. "No one deserves that fate."

"Especially not Bernard," said Bill. "He was on an Audi, you know."

"How the mighty have fallen..." lamented Bob.

"Why, just the other day," said Brian, "I saw him reclining on a park bench, saying, 'on-ya-get-love-keep-yer-arms-and-legs-inside-the-vehicle-that's-£2.50-fer-ten-minutes-darlin,' over and over again."

"Poor Bernard," said all present.

"Does anyone else have any experiences they would like to share?" said Barry.

The ex-bumpers were silent.

"In that case," said Barry, "I would like to ask how we all feel about the new home for retired bumpers, which has just opened in the old go kart factory?"

"What's it called again?" said Bob.

"'Bumped Off' Home for Retired Bumpers," said Bill.

"Thanks, Bill."

"You're welcome, Bob."

"Not a pretty sight..." said Brian.

"What's that, Brian?" said Barry.

"A load of old bumpers sitting round crocheting," said Brian.

"And croqueting," said Bill.

"We should release our brethren!" said the nameless one.

"Oh shut up, Bjorn," said the others.

The meeting was adjourned.

[ fin ]