Grand Barazmis (One Page Short Story)

The first thing that popped into Inspector Gurther's head when he laid eyes on the red and black planet from his ship, was how morbidly unappealing it would seem to a potential tourist. 'Then again,' he thought to himself while flying down to the surface 'perhaps travellers might find some novelty in the Gothic architecture.' Then a bat splattered into his wind shield, and the optimism faded. 'So it's going to be that sort of trip.'

 

Landing on the Vampire Empire's homeworld, the Galaxment inspector took note of the black sun above that allowed the citizens to walk by day, and made off towards customs where a smartly dressed Draculine was waiting for him.

'Inspector Gurther? Councillor Lament at your service.' the one vamp welcome party spoke, shaking hands with the bespectacled man.'I hope the flight here wasn't too dire.'

'A little lengthy but not too much trouble, I did keep running into bats on the way down though.'

Lament's expression turned grave 'You didn't kill any did you?'

'I uh, not on purpose.'

The Councillor put his hand on Gurther's shoulder 'My poor fellow, those bats were the royal family out for a midday flight. It's all over the news. The military been looking for the culprit for hours now. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in.'

'W-what?' the inspector stuttered, shaken, a moment before Lament burst out laughing 'Ha, your face! I'm just teasing you my good man, kill all the bloody bats you like, the whole of Necropolis is infested with them. Now come along, we've a lot to do' he spoke, hurrying the inspector over to the metal detectors.

 

'Well I didn't think it was funny at all' Gurther complained after having done with the screenings and pat down.

'Forgive me, we hardly get any neophyte visitors these days.'

'And I wager you shan’t be getting many more if you keep that up,' he said, trying to scrape the taste of argentum out of his mouth 'anyway what was all that about with them putting a silver coin on my tongue?'

'Oh that was just a test to see if you were one of our old enemies in disguise. Never can be too careful with the fur balls. But enough about that sordid lot, would you like to take a automotor to the palace, or experience the longer, more scenic route along the golden road?'

'Hmm, the golden road sounds quite nice.'

'Very well, I'll organise an escort party for us.'

 

To his dual disappointment, the golden road turned out to be the place that newly captured human slaves were bought and sold, and the escort party was revealed to be the most vicious band of whip happy thugs he'd ever seen in his life, lead by a dreadful succubus-like Hex named Lady Oppress.

'Eyes down unblooded filth! You think you're worthy of glancing our way? I think not!' the woman hissed as she whipped at a pair of scruffy looking children with all of the spite and none of the appeal of a bondage mistress.

'Is that terribly necessary? I mean they don't seem to be doing anything wrong.' he asked the Lady, interrupting Lement's spiel on New Wave Barazmic Art.

Gurther was expecting to get a face full of abuse because of the enquiry, however; when turned his way Oppress seemed a radically different, bubblier, more girlie and overall happier person.

'I'm sorry to say it is, Inspector. Without constant a reinforcement of boundaries and social structure, these poor little dears would grow up to be aimless, emotionally damaged adults who'd contribute nothing to the general populace. I believe the Galaxment term for them would be: hippies.'

'Aren't you afraid the human children might harbour some animosity towards you? Possibly even start a revolution when they're older?'

'Revolution... oh you mean Come on then if you think you're hard enough day. It's an annual event. They learn their lesson every year'.

'Really?'

'Yep, you see all the houses around that Vox Populi banner?'

He adjusted his glasses 'Ah yes, the ones painted red?'

'That's not paint.'

Gurther lowered his glasses and gave a gulp. His inner monologue questioning just what the hell he'd gotten himself into.