Somewhere in between

By Parson Thru

Thu, 12 Dec 2013
  • 4529 reads
11 comments
 

I'm looking out into the night

at shadows standing in the street

dressed with trembling diamonds

Sodium droplets

falling silently on anthracite

 

I pour a drink

 

A swift's wing-beat away

as the electron flies

she lies

and waits for sleep

beneath a blue mosquito net

in suffocating heat

 

I imagine us as one

Bathed in golden Tropic light

in which our shadow selves unite

 

It's been a month

 

Five weeks yesterday

we kissed goodbye

inside the terminal

 

I watched her walk away

 

But like moon and tide

we move together

Caught forever in each other's pull

 

And now beside the blackness

of the Severn Sea

As cranes await their cargoes

so I wait for her to come to me

 

I pour another shot

 

Years from now

I'll wish that I was walking through Mzuzu

once again

 

Shopping

in the Tanzanian market

 

Chatting with Mcfarry

on Mulanje's slopes

Staring out across the plain

 

Outside the flat

the rain stops

and stars shine through the trees

as they did on Mt. Mulanje

where we talked outside the hut together in the breeze

 

Dream another August

lying in an English field with her

A new found summer

for a motorcycle hermit

and his wandering lover

Luna

 

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Comments

Submitted by Bee on

Hi Pt.

I like the way this moves through location and time capturing the different moods, and also the contrast in atmosphere between where the you are in the present time, and Mzuzu etc. The last 18 lines, from -  'in years from now....' Are really beautiful and for me would make a poem in their own right.

Bee

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Thank you, Bee.  That's really lovely of you.  You inspired me to try to make the first bit read better.  Then I had to look at the second bit again.  Hope I haven't broken that bit.  Starving for my art now.  Must cook something to eat.  Thank you for your continuing support.  x

Parson Thru

Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on

Hi PT, your poem is wistful, sensuous, longing with memory. I like the way you keep opening the curtain, watching for your lover, who is already waiting for you...at the top of the stairs. Cheers and a very happy Christmas, to you and your loved ones.

Richard L. Provencher

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Hi Richard. Lovely to hear from you. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Grappling with trying to express myself and not really managing it. Hope you and yours are well. Take care. Kevin

Parson Thru

Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on

Hello PT, Grappling with words is part of the joy of writing. Sometimes I cannot discover the end of my changes, until I return to the very beginning of my poem and start over again. Infrequently there may be two or three versions I like and keep them all as a finished product.

Read other writer styles -- notice how each person is expressing a scene, or feeling --- some have long lines, others begin their lines with a capital not using periods for the end of sentences. I try to write in a flow of words trying to avoid using commas so as not to interrupt my journey. Remember -- what you write and your developed style is your niche.

Note: take one of your poems and rewrite it in the present moment, as if it is taking place now. It was something pointed out to me by a poet-friend, Ray Souster, many years ago. I used to write as if I was writing about the past, which is okay for a memory type of poem, but there are many poems which can be transferred to the present moment. Try it as an exercise and see how you like it --- example ---

The sparrow sometimes flits

in hasty retreat when it comes to my porch railing (change to)

 

The sparrow flits

in hasty retreat as I step onto the veranda,

an intruder in his domain.

 

Richard L. Provencher

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Hi Richard. Thanks for your wonderful and comprehensive suggestions. I often find writing poetry to be joy and agony in equal measure. I have accidentally discovered that prose just flows in a much more natural style. There is something, though, that a poem conveys or maybe a mood that can be generated and adapted to fit a reader's own circumstance. This one began as very bare lines of subconscious coughed onto the page in the middle of the night. My tweaking can improve or ruin it. I'll try what you suggest. The tenses in this move from present to past to future and back ending with no tense at all. I'd better get up and socialise now. Will try your suggestion. Thank you.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on

Hi PT, I'm glad those suggestions were helpful. Your work has a nice flow to it. And as you realize, be careful not to tweak any work into meaningless jargon, which I have learned to avoid most times. Aim to write in the 18-20 line range, then once in a while try some shorties around 7-10, and occasionally 20-30 which can exercise the skills you will develop. Remember too -- an artist (which we are, since we paint with words) is sometimes never satisfied with their work, so learn when to let go. In addition to excellent writers on ABCtales.com, check out writing from Grasslimb, Camera Obscura, Contrary, Strong Verse and Confrontation Magazine. Simply Google these exact names and get an idea from others. Really good writers here. Test these waters once in a while. NEVER allow rejections to discourage you --- I am sure I have had a thousand rejections over the years. Enjoy the journey. 

Richard L. Provencher

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Thanks again, Richard for your encouragement.  I have never submitted my writing for anything, but will google those suggestions (saving them now).  Thank you and best wishes.

Kevin

Parson Thru

Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on

Hi PT, Thank you for your good thouhts. Now go write and have fun. Also Merry Christmas from Esther and I.

Richard L. Provencher

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Merry Christmas Richard and Esther.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on

Very good, PT. 

Richard L. Provencher