Fat Lazy Slob Slimming Club

 

(1) A whole 12" pizza.  A neanderthal cavemen had a dietary requirement of 4,000 calories a day.  You are a homosapien (unless there are aliens reading this. But if there are, they probably photosynthesise.  Don't go out in the sun so much, fatty.)  Your dietary requirement is only half this.  So don't eat this huge pizza that would give you your entire calorie requirement for one day even if you were a neanderthal.

 

(2) A deep fried Mars bar.  This well known Scottish confectionary is slightly less than delicious owing to the way the toffee, mallow and chocolate in a Mars bar tend to combine together at high temperatures.  Various solutions to this problem have been tried.  Frying a different kind of chocolate bar, like a Toblerone or a 200 gram bar of Dairy Milk or Galaxy.  These remain stable at high temperatures.  Alternatively, the Mars bar may be fried at low temperatures, either in a frying pan or in a deep fat fryer with the thermostat set very low.  Don't eat fried chocolate if you are trying to lose weight.  Sugar is of no nutritional value at all and the only thing it is good for is giving you diabetes.  The amount of fat that is absorbed in such a chocolate bar is truly disgusting, bearing in mind that chocolate is already about 20% fat anyway, fried chocolate is just fat with an enormous amount of deadly sugar holding it together.

 

(3) Don't drink fruit juice made from concentrate.  Imagine 100 litres of fresh orange juice sitting in a big metal cylinder.  It contains the goodness of 1,000 oranges that have spent months ripening in the summer sun.  Then they turn on the compressor.  The orange juice will boil at room temperature when the air is removed.  Gone is all the vitamin C.  It was water soluble.  What you've got left at the bottom of the cylinder is one litre of fruit scented bleach of the kind you clean your toilet with.  And actually, you would be better off drinking fruit scented bleach.  Concentrated fruit juice contains fructose in the form of syrup.  It is more sugary than sugar itself.  Of course, the fruit juice won't be put into the attractive cartons covered in pictures of ripe fruit that you see in the supermarket refrigerator while it is still in this form.  At the packaging factory, water is added again, and artificial vitamin C.  If you think this drink is going to supplement the vitamin C in your diet, remember that this isn't even natural vitamin C, it was made in the lab.  You'd be better off taking a tablet.  Why is this horrible process carried out on innocent fruit?  Simply because it is easier to send the fruit juice up the motorway in concentrated form.  A 35 tonne truck may now carry 3.5 million litres of orange juice, even if it requires a red triangle on the back to warn the emergency services, in the event of an accident, that this is a hazardous substance.  It is a hazardous substance when it is reconstituted as well.  You imagine those fruit smoothies are good for you.  They are not.  They contain far too much sugar.  A coffee shop caramel coffee with 27 spoonfuls of sugar pales into innocence by comparison.

 

(4) A low calorie chocolate digestive biscuit.  This is a contradiction in terms.  How do they manage to give it the name low calorie?  It contains less fat, which inevitably means that it contains more sugar.  No, they will say, it contains less sugar than a normal chocolate digestive biscuit.  How is this?  Because it contains fructose, that deadly fruit sugar, and you need less of it in the chocolate because it is finer.  That also means that your body will absorb it better, so it makes no difference at all.

 

(5) A triple decker half pound bacon burger with cheese.  Some people think they can turn the normal rules of following a diet on their head.  They think that by eating something unhealthy they will satisfy their appetites and not want to eat anything more.  The real problem with a triple decker half pound bacon burger with cheese is that it won't really satisfy.  It leaves you feeling hungry, so in order to feel full you must order a family size bucket of fries, and when that doesn't fill you up either you order a big ice cream covered in M & Ms.  Now feeling full, you are also incredibly thirsty and need to have a pint size glass of coke.  So you have taken in more calories than a neanderthal would need in a day, all in one sitting.

 

I used to be a great big fat slob because I used to do all of these things every day.  The slimming club set me free.  I have now bought a small car which is much easier to park in town. Now I am actually able to get inside it.