For Each of You, and For the End

Be still my almost beating heart.

You have done well,

and died well.

Rest now, a moment,

For it will soon be time

For you to return to front line

And perform your sad service.

 

Meant to carry breath in;

Enslaved to bear wind only out.

I have refused you rest

And forgiven all that have cut your tiny flesh.

I don’t know why no one will take you -

Though I do not wish to be parted,

But to lure in and trap another to join us

In this dark room we share.

I love you, but I cannot remain with you.

Alone with another alone.

 

Is it mine to apologize,

For sending you away to save us?

All I’ve read has said that some passing bus,

Or ship or raft at least,

will come and take pity on any stranded.

I have read the wrong books.

There are more fish in the sea

Than I could have ever have known;

They have teeth and claws,

And they do not see but wound

As they pass by - too close.

They leave blood in their wake.

I will not apologize for the pain of the world,

But I will hold you now to my chest and cry.

Tears heal just enough,

Not the deepest but they buff

The surface to its necessary shine.

 

Can I apologize for that?

The unending standard of happiness,

That we can never look to be hurt

Because holes are unsightly?

But how should blindness see weakness?

I’ve heard that silence feels a strong arm,

For better or worse,

But we can be the better!

I don’t know why I must

Force you to be pristine.

I never wanted to be my father,

My early father, who ‘knew me better than I did’.

Or the father from the books I don’t read

Who loves nothing less than perfection.

I only want to protect you;

I have so few ways but to make you stronger.

You don’t need to be impenetrable,

But if you can be then none of them can hurt you.

 

I am sorry that I have disciplined you

For admitting you do not want to be lonely,

Of the many things that I cannot admit to.

I am sorry that I ask you

To love the hand that denies you;

I am sorry that no one will love you if you ask.

I am sorry you must be kind,

For kindness is gripping tight a rose

So another may smell the petals.

 

But what would you do?

I’ve been told to listen, so what is your plan?

I’ll tell you the rules:

We cannot hurt.

We cannot care without pain.

We cannot live without caring.

I have done my best,

But I can’t make the world better.

Someone will hold you, that I KNOW.

I cannot speed that day,

And all I can think to do is speed you through

All of the beating and the being bruised

So that the someone who will love you like I do

May reach out to save you.

We have lost the game of probability again,

But we can’t be losers every time.

 

I can make home healing,

but I cannot warm the wastelands.

And I love you, so very much,

but I cannot go in your place.

God, I wish I could.

Forgive me, and please,

Go.