A Letter To:

Dear you,

I write this from a fairy-lit bedroom, a fusion of static noises from a television and blue lights reflecting on moistened skin.

I am older now, of course, this is life my dear – lay your head to rest, the hard part has been done for you. This is a message, a message to let you know you survived, you are ok. You are breathing, you are alive, can you believe it? You made it.

You still feel the wind against your face, turning those pasty cheeks into a blossomed field of roses, you still feel the wet from the rain on your skin to separate like oil with water. You still feel the sunshine on your head, heated from your brunette curls that fall delicately yet mischievously out of its hairband. You made it. And even better, you’re doing well, you’re healthy… excusing the pizza addiction you began to have from late last year. You’re doing well at university, I bet you didn’t realise you’d make it to university now did you? Well you did, and guess what? You got a first, well done you! You’ve found love, in a hectic array of confusion, mistrust, self-hatred and insecurity you managed to scramble a piece of love that made your heart feel full – he’s a wonderful boy let me tell you, he’s mysterious and you’ll never truly be able to full heartedly understand him, but you love him regardless of anything else.

And can I tell you something else? You haven’t relapsed in those thoughts, in those practices you put to yourself through the hurt – in fact, you rarely ever even think of that time, maybe sometimes, but trust me dear very rarely and I couldn’t be happier – because your skin remains unmarked only through kisses and tattoos and it will remain unmarked of discoloured tissue that symbolises oh so much more than the naked eye but please believe that I think that time is now over, I think you won’t go back to the friend you called that pointed steel knife of anger because you found something in life to hold onto and that my love you need to hold onto – whether it be finding yourself, though you still haven’t found yourself just yet.

Lay your head to rest now, I am older, I paved a life for you until now, and future me, I hope you treat me well as present me has, because past me is still reeling from what life threw at her, and future me, please be kind.