Fifteen Chapter 1 (part3)
By Ossy Gobbiner
- 773 reads
“What are you two up to; I bet its mischief or similar knowing you Nellie Holden, the two of you buzzing up and down the shop like proper Queen Bees.” “It’s nothing like that William we were just venting a little bit about Sister MP slow marching up and down the high street in her black and whites as though she’s out on barrack patrol” William wasn’t a fan either he had also spent the majority of his youth at Paddock along with his brother Robert and Doris. His experience at the hands of Sister MP was far worse than the rest of them. William was a slightly young man not as strong as Robert, fine boned perhaps a little quirky, some would say pixie or elf like in appearance. He did however have an immaculate style about him that was years ahead of the rest of the folk from the quiet little village, as he stepped out he always put on a colourful couture show that matched both the seasonal changes and his novel personality. He slowly took off his red leather shoulder bag from over his tweed jacket started to unbuckle the polished silver buckles and delved inside, fishing around he pulled out a tightly packed brown paper envelope along with a rolled-up piece of heavy duty paper tied around the middle with a lovely piece of turquoise ribbon. William placed the items ever so carefully on the bakery counter top, he straightened and squared them up against the front counter edge until they sat perfectly flush, William was creating a touch of theatre, he now had the girls’ full attention. “This all looks very exciting William what’s in the envelope? Nellie shot over to the counter to check out the parcel” “Yes William what are you teasing us with today” The girls were both probing the envelope now and attempting to pick up the paper tube and release its turquoise ribbon, what had William brought them? “Not yet ladies, William ushered Nellie and Doris away from the counter, while I have your attention girls I have a quick task to get out of the way first before we open the goodies, OK.” I need you both to give yourselves a quick spruce up, stick on your very best faces and meet me outside the shop for a couple of photo’s, front page in next week’s Herald for you two young ladies.” William was a young apprentice reporter for the local Herald and was always looking for a story line and photo opportunity, he was extremely dedicated to his job, he lived it twenty-four hours a day. It was the interaction with others that he really loved but mainly the gossip, the fact that he got paid as well for getting out and about chatting was a real bonus, William would have done it for nothing if asked. Nellie and Doris had made themselves ready now and both smiling headed eagerly outside, they were as glamourous as any shop assistant could be, lipstick topped up, hair teased effortlessly into the very latest film star fashions, they were definitely bill board ready even if it was only the local paper that they were both about to star in. William ushered them into position outside the shop making sure to he took into account the lighting along with the scene he was looking to create, if Nellie and Doris were the stars of this photo shoot then William was the creative director working towards his first Oscar nomination, even though this was a very routine task William treated it with as much attention as he could muster it excited him to be creative. He decided something was missing from the vista he was trying to produce, into his bag once again he delved this time it revealed a very chic silk lavender scarf. "There you go Doris, if you can tie the scarf around your neck it will add that extra little detail that I am looking for." " Of course I will William, I trust your sense of style, you never get it wrong when it comes to what's in fashion, this time next year you will be working for one of the big publications, maybe even one of the French Glamour magasines that we both love. Doris had a lot of faith in William's abilities, even though they were both brought up at Paddock surrounded by dullness and austerity William always managed to add a bit of style and colour to the even the greyest of grey uniforms, not much he could do to the nuns styling though and as for Sister MP well she was way beyond the help of even the most experienced stylist abilities. " Just before you take the photograph William I have two quick requests, first is that Nellie and I get a copy of the photograph to keep, you can even sign it if you want, second is that you make sure you get my best side, you know I have a slight bump in my nose that I would prefer not to be staring out from the front page of the Herald for every busy body in the village to look at through their well-used magnifying glasses" William agreed to both her requests, after spending what felt like hours adjusting his lens and waiting for the lighting to be just right he finally took the shot.
"Right William can we get back inside now I need to find out what's in the envelope the suspense is driving me crazy, I need to know now!" William opened the door for the girls and followed teasingly behind them, Nellie reached the counter first, she simply couldn't wait to find out what the mystery envelope contained. " There you go Doris you open the poster while I find out what William has put in this very intriguing envelope." Doris carefully pulled the turquoise ribbon from the rolled-up tube, the smell of fresh paint on the new paper overwhelmed the familiar smells of the bakery, she placed the tube on the scrubbed pine table then timidly unravelled the paper to reveal a beautifully designed poster. " St Georges Day Dance" The poster was advertising a glamorous period costume dance at the Conservative Club Ballroom to celebrate St Georges Day, the poster was beautifully designed in a wonderful Art Deco style, this was the original that William had spent hours carefully designing then painting, it really was a thing of beauty, who wouldn't want to go to the Ball after seeing this amazing work of art. Nellie came closer her envelope still unopened grasped tightly in her hand, the poster distracted her, she gently pushed her way through between William and Doris she wanted to take a closer look, she needed to check the detail about the dance. " This is wonderful William what a fabulous event to organise and to do it with such style you ought to be very proud of yourself, I for one am most impressed." The three of them spent what seemed like an age taking in the poster for both its beauty along with the text it contained, they studied it, read it then read it again. " St Georges Day Dance. Sunday 23rd April 1939 7.00 pm. Accrington Conservative Club Ballroom Cannon Street Accrington. Ladies & Knights Costume Dress. Prizes On The Night For Best Dressed Lady & Knight. Tickets Available In Advance Or On The Door 10d." Nellie suddenly looked down at the envelope grasped tightly in her hand, the poster had distracted her momentarily it was now time to open it up to see what was inside.
The first items that Nellie pulled from the envelope were two more charming envelopes each tied with red ribbons to form the St Georges Cross over the front, one envelope addressed to Doris the other to Nellie. Nellie handed Doris her envelope, they simultaneously opened them to reveal their VIP invitations to the dance, both were on top quality white pure vellum, each with the red St Georges Cross running through them, both were handwritten in a beautiful gold leaf font, once again a wonderful piece of art in themselves. " I thought that I would find the two most deserving young ladies in the village to invite as my special guests, Doris you were easy to choose as my first guest. " " What about me William, was I not as easy a choice as Doris, am I not also a beautiful fair young maiden worthy of an invite." " Nellie, you never let me finish, I was considering inviting Evie Ramsbottom but she is away with her family at the Lakes that week so luckily for you the second invite has ended up in your lovely fair hands." " William Edward Bradshaw It’s a good job I know you are jesting with me otherwise you would be out through that door as quick as a flash followed by half a dozen of Mrs Lockwood's greasy pie cases." As they all laughed Nellie dug into the envelope to see what else it contained, she pulled out two small leather-bound note books with attached petite gold coloured pencils, each book had their initials embossed in gold leaf on the front along with the name of the dance " St Georges Day Dance" followed by the date 23rd April 1939. Doris opened hers to the front page which also contained the name of the dance along with the address followed by the start and finish time, pages two and three had the order of music and dances, there were fifteen dances in total along with a space under each one for who would be their chosen partner for that particular dance. " This is fantastic William I can't believe what a super job you have done, this is all very exciting and to be your special guest for such a glamourous ball I just can't believe this is happening to me." Nellie had already started filling in her dance card. " Let me guess Nellie all fifteen of your dances are already filled in and I know who each and every dance is with, "Our Eddy"." Well Doris I love him and have no intention of dancing with anyone else, I want him all to myself that night, no distractions, it will also give me the opportunity to plan out our future together, the future as the new Mr's Lockwood." " What about you Doris who are you planning on pencilling in on your dance card?" Doris carefully closed the dance card popped it into her pocket, she simply wasn't giving any clues as to who would have either the first or last dance with her that night, she knew but she wasn't saying. "That's it for tonight Doris, let's get our coats and get out of here, places to go people to see, don't forget Doris, Mind the Trams!"
- Log in to post comments
Comments
I've read all three parts of
I've read all three parts of this and the intricate detail and local colour really shine through. The dialogue is lively and the characters are beginning to emerge as believable people.
If you're looking for suggestions:
- It really needs breaking up into more manageable paragraphs. Dense blocks of text will put off your readers
- the punctuation needs a lot of attention. Try reading it out to yourself, or better still, get someone else to, and you'll see where the problems lie
eg:
"Right William can we get back inside now I need to find out what's in the envelope the suspense is driving me crazy, I need to know now!"
William wasn’t a fan either he had also spent the majority of his youth at Paddock along with his brother Robert and Doris.
There are countless other examples - the dialogue itself is really good, but you need to let your readers take a breath, also emphasise questions
Separate the dialogue - start a new line when you change speakers
It's could have, would have etc - not could of, would of.
Finally, is the photo you've used copyright free?
I do hope you will work on this, it has such potential!
- Log in to post comments