Letters to CHIP: Santa Claus

The Management Committee
Council of Holiday and Imaginary Personifications
Twinkle Towers
Land of Make-Believe

To Whom It May Concern,

I was sorry to hear that my friend and colleague, Jeffrey Floppington III (alias "The Easter Bunny"), wrote you a letter earlier this year which presented me in a very bad light. As a result, I now feel honour-bound to respond.

It is true that I have a larger workforce than Mr. Floppington, but I need a vast number of staff for my company to run smoothly. Mr. Floppington, despite some – dare I say – ridiculous forays into vegetable-based alternative eggs, only ever works with one material: chocolate. My products, meanwhile, cover a far wide range of resources: wood, plastic, metal, and even candy (for the ever-popular striped canes), just to name a few. Although I am something of a skilled craftsman, this situation means that I am also something of a jack-of-all trades, master of none. Therefore, I must hire elves with a wide skill base, including material-based specialists, to ensure all gifts produced are safe and of the highest standard, as well as making sure resources are utilised in a cost-effective manner. Both of these expectations are clearly stated as standard procedure in the CHIP Handbook. If Mr. Floppington ever turned his hand – pardon me, paw – to non-edible eggs, then I'm sure he'd hire a specialist or two as well.

I do receive a mode of transportation as a company perk, yes – but driving a sleigh is hardly a walk in the park... especially when it's airborne. Flying the contraption through darkness and snowstorms while avoiding a plummet into the nearest icy tundra is a skill that takes years of training. Certainly, the reindeer help up the ante speed-wise, but I can assure you that they are treated with the utmost care. They get regular rest periods, and are well fed and groomed. They also get daily exercise, most notably while playing their well-known "reindeer games". Mr. Floppington is well aware of this: after all, he chats with the reindeer when he visits my workshop for his yearly ski trip. Besides, working for me saves them from ending up in a reindeer stew. If Mr. Floppington is concerned about animal rights, then maybe he should speak to the thousands of turkey and pig farmers who provide the family fare for Christmas Day year-in, year-out.

Another point Mr. Floppington raises is that of the public's demand for my presence in the closing months of the year. I can assure both him and the Council that this is something of a mixed blessing. Whilst I appreciate the recognition, my mall appearance schedule has to be planned months in advance so that I can meet as many children as possible – my PAs often work around the clock to arrange things, as well as having to fend off potential impersonators through threats of legal action. In addition to these public appearances, I have to find time to performance maintenance work on the sleigh, monitor and assist with the gift output, hold weekly meetings with my task force,and of course, spend some quality time with my wife, Aniera – something that Mr. Floppington, as a husband and father to numerous children (forty-five now, I believe?) knows all about. Christmas may have a fixed date each year, but when you have as much to do as I have, you're grateful to have a set deadline.

Furthermore, having a well-known image can be very troublesome. I am known through the world for my large, round figure. My BMI is higher than it should be, and ideally, I would like to lose some weight, but this would cause my public image to become inaccurate and outdated.

The allegations of drink-driving, or rather, drink-flying, are, quite frankly, unfounded and below the belt. I am indeed left glasses of sherry in some countries, but rather than drinking on the job, I pour these offerings into empty bottles, and store them in my drinks cellar to use up throughout the year. Aniera enjoys an occasional tipple just as much as I do. In other places, I am left milk, and this, of course, is harmless – apart from when it's used in a White Russian. Unless he takes issue with the treatment of dairy cows, then I'm sure Mr. Floppington can appreciate me having the odd glass of milk during my long, thirsty work of delivering presents across the globe.

I will be sending a copy of this letter to Mr. Floppington in the hope that we can settle our differences peacefully. We are old friends, as are Aniera and Mrs. Janice Floppington, and I wouldn't want us to fall out over some minor grievances. CHIP colleagues should support each other, and as Mr. Floppington rightfully states, our job to make the holidays a bit more magical for the children of the world. Who would want to deny the younger generation that happiness?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. S. Claus