To Little Niamh

This is a piece from my journal of the older me talking to the younger me. I’m trying with all my might to keep my head above water emotionally and this piece was assigned to me by a group I attend every Monday morning called schema therapy. I have borderline personality disorder, which means I process emotions differently. The group is trying to teach the participants how to heal yourself from the child up. We all have to be aware of the younger us in life and not be afraid to talk to them and encourage them from the side-lines like a football coach would to a soccer team. Anyway, this is a letter to my younger self.

To little Niamh,

Yes, your self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas and are very loud right now, but you are doing all the right things. You are writing your stories, and building your Lego which is really important to stimulate your left and right brain. Don’t worry about Nanny! She loves you and you love her. Don’t be shy in telling her though as she isn’t going to be here too much longer, but don’t cry because death is natural. She isn’t the same nanny she was when you were growing up most of the time, but she’s still in there and very much alive. You should spend as much time with her as you can so you don’t have any regrets in life. When you are with her, bring out her happy child and remember that tipping point is on from 3pm so you don’t have to suffer through Judge Judy, not that she would know the difference anyway. You know her and her memory, she was putting the butter in the dishwasher the last time you were down. Remember to have the craic with her and embrace the fragile being she has become because at the end of the day you are always able to make her smile which is a lovely thing to be able to do. I know your upset over not having a birthday or a new year with her but she’s fine. She probably knows no different. You have to remember that laughter is the best policy, because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry – not that there’s anything wrong with that either. Own your feelings no matter how bad they are because I’m with you always pet, no matter what you can always count on me.