Ulf and Sven and the girl that speaks no words

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf."

(enter Sven)

Sven: "Turn the TV on Ulf.”

Ulf: (turning on TV) “What’s on Sven, a film about Vikings?”

Sven: “No, it’s my new girlfriend, Valda, the actress. They will be showing her new advert.”

They both watch TV

Sven: “This is her, Ulf.”

Ulf: “The blonde, Sven? She’s not doing much, just sitting there listening to the giant, talking fish finger.”

Sven: “It’s a fish finger advert.”

Ulf: “Now she’s eating fish fingers. Is that it, your girlfriend is an actress who doesn’t speak?”

Sven: “It’s not that type of role, Ulf. The focus is on eating, not speaking.  But watch her work, she’s an amazing actress, she conveys so much without words.”

Ulf: “What is she conveying, Sven?”

Sven: “That she enjoys fish fingers.”

Ulf: “This is not what I call acting, Sven. There’s, no drama, no social message, we learn nothing about the world from watching this.”

Sven: “It’s just an advert, Ulf, it pays well. She mostly works in theatre. She’s was in an Ibsen play last month.”

Ulf: “You always have an answer, Sven. This Valda can do no wrong in your eyes. She’s becoming all you talk about.”

Sven: “We have a lot in common, Ulf. We went to the Viking museum yesterday.”

Ulf: “You’re always with her now, Sven. We used to go to the Viking museum, now you’re going with her instead.”

Sven: “I invited you along, you said ‘We’ve been to the museum loads of times, Sven, I’m sick of going there’.”

Ulf: “I’m just worried that she’s grabbing on your genes, Sven.”

Sven: (checking trousers in a confused manner) “Grabbing my jeans?”

Ulf: “No Sven, not your trousers, your genetic code.”

Sven: “My genetic code?”

Ulf: “The genetic code imprinted in your sperm, Sven. She is taking advantage of your Viking heritage, using your superior sperm to breed strong, Viking children.”

Sven: “We are being careful to avoid little Vikings at this stage, Ulf.”

Ulf: “I just worry that she’s coming between us, Sven.”

Sven: “You have had girlfriends, I didn’t complain they were coming between us. Besides, she does think about you, too. She got us a present with her fish finger money."

Ulf: “What is it Sven, more tickets for Ibsen?”

Sven: “No, better than that. She got us tickets for Abba.”

Ulf: “Abba, Sven!”

Sven: “Yes, Abba at the Royal Albert Hall. Front row seats. Three tickets – one for me, one for Valda and one for you.”

Ulf: “That changes everything, Sven. I’m looking forward to meeting her now.”