Loud Mouth Up A Ladder

 

In the 90s I used to go clubbing ....a lot. So much so some dates times events all blur into one and it's really difficult to remember who what where or when something happened - but one Sunday I do remember, I remember it well.....sort of. 

 

I had been to work on the Friday of that week and had a big night planned in town....another Birthday or summink. As usual we were up all night and found a place to crash on the Saturday ready to freshen up and go again Saturday night. As you can imagine nights like this usually get a little messy chaotic and whoever you left the house with isn't usually who you might return with - or will even be the same house you return too. 

 

Anyway - somehow after a long Saturday night out I find myself on the tube 1pm ...ish - not knowing where I'm heading as usual our group had split going from club to bar to club to bar ... but suddenly notice seeing the station name flashing by the tube train window ----Hyde Park Corner ---Hyde Park Corner ---Hyde Park Corner ---as if some subliminal message was trying to get to me  ... Park...a Park that sound good ...for some reason I thought a walk in the park might be a nice way to 'come down' and relax after such a hectic weekend. I jumped off the train head up into the daylight squinting bumping into people thinking this might not have been such a wise move. The sunlight was blinding after being in dim artificial light all weekend and emerging from the underground I felt like a creature out of habitation - or at least a feeling of unease  of being somewhere I shouldn't be or somewhere I'd rather not be. I headed out and could see the park in the distance and head quickly towards it ....wanting some space to be away from people and confusion. I thought I could maybe lay in the shade of a tree, roll something and munch on a cookie or two.   

 

Walking up from Hyde Park Corner heading North towards Marble Arch in the distance I spot a crowd and think '''oh god not another rave ...i Can't be doing that again today. As I get closer, I see its far from a rave it’s an odd looking gathering.  People from all walks of life all races' religions seem to be having a mass debate ...well something ....lots of shouting ranting on a crate or up a ladder - I realize ...I take it this is what they call speakers corner. 

 

I really don't feel in the mood for being 'ranted' at so I side step the religious nuts pass by but bump into some geezer who looks like a right barrel of laughs. He's wearing a sandwich board or some kind of placard hung around his neck ..saying ' It's Going To Get Worse ' he’s also wearing a Benny Hill smile ....that's all I need when on a downer so I pass him by quick - some other nut claiming to have discovered the secret of eternal youth ....but he looks about 90 I guess maybe he has only just discovered it. Then two cowboys ...they have a ladder each and seem to be rolling off each other which what they are preaching - and they are preaching . One looks uncannily like Madonna's x husband Shaun Penn and I have to have a double take ...is it for real or all being filmed for some movie scene ? ...nah they look real both with traditional 10 gallon hats and ' Jesus Saves ' in gold embroidery down the sides of their trousers . They look impressive as if transported straight out of some American 70's film and the midnight cowboy flashes though my mind ...' there only one way to heaven - through our saviour Jesus Christ ...you need him you need him in your life accept him and live forever ''...I know I don't want any of that and shout out to them ' I can't afford it ' and walk on by. ‘ You cant afford not too ….you can’t afford not to have him ‘ one yells. Another who looks like an African prince with some wood comb stuck in his hair, dripping in gold contrasting with his more traditional painted wood twine jewellery also wearing Versace sunglasses claiming ' YOU ALL NEED TO KNOW I HAVE THE LOUDEST VOICE IN THE PARK TODAY ' I'm not going to argue with that and judging by the crowd he has it looks as if it’s the start of a revolution ...but I do fancy a little peace an quiet so I side step him too and his audience …which is by far the largest. Some other guy on a tiny stool , displayed out in front of him various LP record covers , a colourful display and a long statement scrawled on a large card box which has been opened up flat ...' I work with music and colours love and....blarr blarrr ' claiming to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. He is polite friendly trying to show the palms of his hands hoping I can see stigmata or marks of some kind....I cant but I say ' nice , I see what you mean ' ....I like this guy it’s obvious he has had a colourful past maybe too much acid in the 70’s and maybe craving a little attention of which I'm sure he used to get lots. 

 

It seems there's more ego in the park than all the clubs combined from the weekend and trust me there was a lot. 

 

Do I really want to listen to any of this ? Then I hear something puzzling bellowing …loud ... ' longer chains ...bigger cages ....better consolation prizes '.. 

 

what the bloody hell that is supposed to mean? God only knows - but it captured my attention as it doesn't seem like a statement from the bible. Maybe I'll get a consolation prize for ....errr something if I stop and listen. 

 

I see the guy who's shouting it ...and no doubt confusing the 3 people in his audience as much as he has me. 

 

Tony Allen - 'mixed ability shaman' - written neatly onto a chalk board in white chalk pen as if advertising a gig of some kind ...who's on tonight !! the board is tied to the front of his ladder, so I guess this is his stage ...for now. He’s tall , his face appears long and suits his tone of voice.... bellowing ...he’s wearing Dr Martin boots with red laces, his stripe socks showing past the top almost clown like ...  a full length country style waxed coat contrasting well with his white brimmed sunglasses. He looks a bit of a character so I stop to hear what he has to say.....and oh I wish sometimes I hadn't. 

 

He's advocating - borrowing....borrow...borrow ... as much as you can, borrow on a credit card - when that's at it's limit get another credit card to pay that one off. You might have built up a higher credit score by then so you can borrow borrow borrow more and when they finally come knocking for you just say ' I haven't got it... you shouldn't have lent it to me ! ' I'm unemployed I have no money and you are stupid for lending it to me ...now bugger off '. 

 

I suggest that's a bit 'unethical ' and will stuff a lot of lenders over ...he replied ' lending money with a high interest rate is unethical - more so lending it knowing the person you are lending it too can't afford to pay it back is even more un-ethical.... - more so is getting your bonus for lending it knowing the whole system is going to got tits up is even more unethical. 

Looking back a few years after this meeting it seems the whole system did go tits up with the subprime mortgage scandal for this ' almost ' exact same reason - lending going out of control to those who can't afford to pay the debt ....I think....well summik like that. 

 

Me - but your encouraging people to get in the shit 

 

T - what's that on your shirt.

Me - what 

T - that word....is it your name ... ' NIKE '

Me - course not , its the brand 

T- well before you talk to me take this strip of insulating tape ...cover it over ...I don't want to be marketed to. You are advertising for them I suggest you send them an invoice before you take the tape off ...get what you are owed. Supposedly out of every 100 or so people who send a daft invoice at least one gets paid out in some administrative error. 

 

Me - ok it if makes you happy ...that better ? I might just take your advice on that one.   

T - So where were we ? ...oh borrowing that's it ...if they need to borrow at that % rate they are already in the shit, you might as well jump right in up to your neck have some fun while you can before the whole thing goes tits up .....which it will. 

 

Me - do you want a biscuit   

 

T - oh I don't mind if I do, choc chip cookie ? 

Me - yep thought you might want one with your coffee 

 

T - ta very much - so what brings you to speakers corner - are you looking for the meaning of life ? looking to be ' saved ' if so your in the wrong bloody meeting you can bugger off over there and get some ' enlightenment ' - I think Dave O'shana over there is offering that at a discounted rate ....today only. 

 

Me - not really I was kinda lost ...at a loose end 

T - most people who end up here are 

Me - so what are you advocating , get in debt ? 

T- most of us are already in debt ...they just don't realise it ...I’m Advocating ...' take it easy ' enjoy ....breathe ....relax most of all when your alarm clock rings on Monday morning - phone in well ! 

Me - how do you mean 

T- pick the phone up call your boss and say - I'm very well today , in fact I'm so well I'm going to go out and enjoy the day ....I wont be in. 

Me - sounds good , but I might not be able to afford any more choc chip cookies 

T- ohh that's a shame in't  what a hardship no more cookies  ...had a hard life have you ? 

Me - nope I get by, so really what's the gig what are you preaching ? 

T - as you can see from the elaborately designed 'chalk board ' I'm a mixed ability shaman - that means I do what many shaman have done over the years - hide away somewhere in the hills take copious amounts of drugs - see the ' light ' in some way and come back and tell you lot just how bloody amazing it was and due to my mystical out of body spiritual  experience I have the answers to life for all of you and you can look after me so I don't have to do any hard work. 

Me - can I be a shaman ? 

T - no 

Me - but you know all the answers 

T - of course 

 

Me - well what about this couple in the press this week , ones who have come here as they about to give birth to conjoined twins 

 

T - oh yeah I did hear something in the news about that - gowan , what's the latest have they had the twins ? and the usual 'mob' up in arms about NHS tourism scam using all our resources ? 

 

Me - you bet your life they are but that's not my question see its more complex. Turns out they came here as we have the ability to help with the birth and maybe able to separate the twins once born. I think the docs have scanned and came to the conclusion if they attempt to separate the twins the weaker of the two will have to die as shared organs or something. 

 

T - sounds complex and sad but they can save the life of one right ? 

 

Me - yep they can - but the parents are very religious , turns out their religion forbids them to 'knowingly ' allow one to die - like they are forbidden to give permission for the operation knowing they will be letting one die. I think maybe they are guided to put the outcome in the hands of god and let nature take its course....i think. 

 

T - I did see a bit more about that I'm sure - it seems to be turning into some media circus with all sorts of voicing their opinion and no doubt a bunch of lawyers ' acting in the best interests ' ( of their back pockets ) of everyone. 

 

Me - that's it I guess its a grey area when like laws go against someone religious beliefs.....who's right what do you think they should do ? I guess it will be played out in court before the birth , but should we ...I mean them as in the state just disregard their beliefs ? 

 

T - you do realise I am just a loud mouth up a ladder? 

Me - I thought you had taken so many drugs you know all the answers ? 

T- all I  do know is .....errr ...mmmm ..that really wasn't a chocolate chip cookie you gave me was it ? 

Me - no ....but it might help you with an answer. 

 

T - what I do know is -  they do need a hug a very big hug and people around them that care - not the usual media circus with some bureaucrat waving a paper around with obscure law getting his 15 mints of fame on the 10 o'clock news and showing off how his law firm is saving the day ' for a bit of free publicity '... Its not the time for all that clowning ...sometimes there is no right answer - a lot of the time in fact and its very very difficult for all involved and very sad and rather than all trying to score points around the debate 

 

I was hoping to stump him with a difficult question, I think I did ...  It appears many of the others debating at the corner are trying to be ...well....to be right, they are finding the answers in books stories and I guess having an answer makes them feel a little more secure in their lives. 

 

My first impression of Tony was he was a bit of a show off a know it all but after chatting a while it was easy to see what was the performance and the reason for it ... I liked his honesty ...he said a lot about not knowing and further more knowing he don't know and knowing there are things he don't even know he don't know or something....but it was getting a little difficult keeping track after so many chocolate chip cookies.   

that was enough for one day now I have to find my way back home . 

 

T - are you in work tomorrow 

Me - yeah will try 

T - well don't - phone in well ...