The Experts

I am an expert, and here is one easy step to live until you're a hundred. Omit all toxic foods from your diet.

Firstly, all fruit and veg should be avoided at all costs, because they are saturated in herbicides and pesticides, they are generally unripe on supermarket shelves and much of their nutrition is lost during cooking. Secondly, avoid all meats and dairy foods because they are primary sources of food poisoning, they are loaded with saturated fats, and they lead to antisocial slobbering in cafes. Thirdly, avoid water (plastic particles and bacteria), alcohol (damage to liver and brain cells), coffee (anxiety producing) and fruit juices (sugar surges and excess acid).

Bread is of course difficult to digest, many foods trigger serious allergies, and bubble gum may burst and cause asphyxia.

In fact, all food is potentially damaging and should be disgarded where possible. Even so, eating disorders may occur in some cases.

I am an expert, and I would recommend instead the 'pregnancy diet'. This involves following instinctive drives to ingest coal, wood and similar inanimate objects. 

The results may astonish you!

Please subscribe to my regular YouTube podcasts, and consider purchasing my wide range of life coaching manuals. My extravagant wealth is nothing but a pernicious rumour, and should be ignored when considering donations to my seventeen pet charities.

Live long - by avoiding life.