Things We Keep

The blasted kitchen clock has taken it upon itself to choose today as the day it slows down. Its yellow cheery face mockingly beams down at me as the small frail body drags itself past each second. Tick, tick, tick. Seemingly eternal. With sweaty palms I pull my hair out of my face and back into a scruffy pony tail. This is the only way to stop myself from breaking off all my jagged split ends, its no wonder it looks as dull as it does. My attention turns to a hang nail on my ring finger so I gnaw on that for a while instead.

“I wish he would just leave already” I cant help but think as I watch my completely oblivious husband pottering around the kitchen, getting himself ready for his day of golf. Never in the history of guacamole sandwiches has anyone taken this long so long to slice tomatoes, mash avodaco and dice onions, but the perfect sandwich is needed for the perfect vegan. Slowly and deliberately his tanned hands hold his masterpiece steady as he squints his blue eyes in concentration and cuts from corner to corner. After placing gently in foil, it goes into his lunch bag along side a little cup of berries, a packet of cashew nuts, two mandrines and a litre of water. The details of this lunch would end up on his blog later on tonight so that his fitness followers could continue to idolise him from behind the screens of computers and smart phones. How one of his groupies hasn’t whisked him away from me yet is still a mystery.

Finally, with a peck on the cheek and a tousle of my hair he starts to make his way to the door. “Best of luck with the run today!” he calls over his shoulder while fixing his helmet strap under his stubbly chin. Glad to finally have gotten him out of the house, I lock the door and anxiously watch him from inside the window, willing him to get on that darn beloved bike of his. Eventually, as he clips his shoes into the pedals I manage to plaster a jolly smile on my face as I wave him off out of the driveway. Once he has turned the first corner I race upstairs to watch him leave the estate and take off down the main road. With my heart racing, I keep my eyes glued to him until he is only a small dot in the distance.

Satisfied that I am alone, a wave of exhiliration passes over me. I leap down stairs gleefully and begin my usual routine, opening windows, turning on extractor fans, burning scented candles, anything to keep house from smelling funny and giving my dark secret away. He would be horrified if he saw this side of me, but I amn’t willing to part with my favourite habit just yet. I choose a feel-good music playlist to both get me in the mood and to block out my conscience telling me how unhealthy this is, how it can kill me and how I need to address the fact that I am an addict. Today is not the day for quitting however so I continue on and get my precious goods from the unused cooler bag which stays unopened in the pantry top shelf. The ideal hiding place. The sight of it alone gives me tingles and I turn up the radio while I complete all the usual preparations, a familiar routine at this stage.

Finally, comes the long awaited moment that I relish in every weekend. The highlight of my otherwise ordinary, rule-following, boring life. I allow myself to savour it just before it hits my taste buds, the anticipation of whats to come in that single moment provides an equal high to the one that I am forever chasing.

When I can take no more teasing, eventually I bite down. An explosion of taste erupts in my mouth, hot salty bacon, creamy melted butter and soft white bread; the perfect combination of delicious sin. I slowly and deliberately treasure every mouthful, every crumb. Each bite takes numerous chews, ensuring that every trace of flavour has been thoroughly appreciated. Soft moans of pleasure escape my lips as I slip into an almost sedated state of happiness, blissfully unaware of the rest of the world. As usual, the experience is a quick one, so I lie on the couch and allow the final tastes to linger on my tongue and bring a faint smile to my face.

 For a supposed strict vegan, this is one side of me that I’m happy to keep to myself.