The maladies of heartbreak:In loving memory of Jay

I recount the words and phrases and try to remember the moments that meant so much and the gravity to which they were nothing in your eyes. I almost cry at what I find. Years and years and pages and pages of any possible way that I could describe the one I love and hold so dear. The one that I always thought no matter what, this one will always be...here.

I recount the words and I am weakened by my beaming face in all the memories, I am ashamed that I did not recognise something else that was not there where it should have been. I was always alone with all my thoughts, always speaking with no one listening.

It isn't the time that matters now, it's much too late for that. It's how wrong I was for seeing something that you never saw yourself(was that not always the problem). You never could come to the fore and see me bare as I stood or did you get so accustomed to my nakedness to not notice that I was exposed.

So yeah it burns and stings my eyes, each and everytime I see you in verse. It echoes in the emptiness that grows everytime I remember your name. It leaves me numb when my heart is still full when yours was always empty and I am ashamed of the pride I once had to have had it carry you.

It hurts that nothing could have been any different even after more of all of it. There would be not much more meaning behind the lonely words. Nothing would change.

It is the nature of hearts that look to be broken to be shackled with our own lies and poison ourselves with our own eyes.

Thanks for not caring, I wish it mattered that you should have. Now that I am in pieces, my heart retires.