The Call

Last night, my mother and I were supposed to watch a movie in my bedroom and talk. We ended up watching a movie with my father, so much talking wasn't done, and later on that night I ended up calling her when she asked me to do a chore. It started out all in fun, but quickly got serious.

I've had a hard time letting others into my life, and I'll be the first one to admit that. Because of my past abuse, I thought I deserved to be treated, frankly, like shit. I began seeing myself as that way, and when others tried to come along and legitimately care about me, I was too fearful to allow them. It caused me to lose out on a lot of opportunities, which I regret, but there was nothing else for me to do.

We discussed what being in an abusive friendship for over half of my life did to me, and we also discussed how I'm doing better now. Before, I was so focused on preventing pain, or not letting others know. It wasn't honest with myself, others, and so on. I also tried to be in control of what I was feeling, but in fact, only made it worse by starving myself, cutting myself, etcetera.

From there, we talked about how it's good that I'm "letting things hurt," as now I have to take the true amount of pain I'm feeling... and deal with it. There's no way to prevent it, push it aside, overcome it; sometimes, I just have to let it hurt. That, however, is a great thing.

We also talked about how, at least now, I've gained friends who I actually look forward to talk to. I love the people I've met, because I can actually be honest with them, though at the start I wasn't. To be able to discuss my depression, anxiety, self-harm, how I feel about being trans, and in general, everything, with an alarming degree of honesty makes me feel so freed. I used to be locked on the idea of holding everything by myself. I'm learning, now, that I don't have to.

Though a rough topic, my mum and I eventually made it to me being transgender, and what it does for my anxiety, depression, and why I do want to transition when I get the opportunity. It's a tough subject because of how ginger our opinions both are, but the talk we had last night actually made me feel a lot better. We talked about what it means, to me, to feel so uncomfortable with my body and why when I get older, I am going to transition.

I explained to her that I'm not self-conscious, I'm just not me, and, as I said, transitioning will "make others see what I see for myself." I tried to describe to her that I knew she didn't want me to transition, but I'm still going to be myself. I'll still like to paint nails, still like to go shopping, still be a bit obnoxious at times, but always be perceptive and careful for myself and others.

Talking about these things with my mum has never been easy for me. I didn't explain to her why my depression and anxiety got so bad, or why I ultimately decided to go to the mental hospital, until weeks later when I ended up writing her a long letter. It's nice, now, to be able to discuss these things that have caused us previous problems, because our relationship only continues to better itself.

Sure, she wasn't the best at listening when I first introduced these things to her, but she's doing all she can now. Going to the mental hospital, and actually having my mother look into the face of my mental illnesses and recognize they were there, helped our relationship immensely. Ever since that, I've felt the need to be completely honest with her, and that's what I'm trying to do. It isn't always easy, but hopefully, we'll make it.