celestial

the phone is ringing. my mother is singing to the radio.
my father is sleeping. my brothers are moving, my dogs
are rumbling, my guinea pigs are whistling, a younger me
is whittling. the sun is warm. my homework isn't hard yet.
i can wear camouflage and be one of the strong boys.
a sword fits into my hand. my pocket knife is red,
better than my brothers'. i can outfish them, unlike
any other. i am one of the strong boys.
forget girls' toys.

i was emotionally abused.
she manipulated me to the point
where i accused myself of being in the fault.
i learned to hate myself, and she taught me
how to be a champion at it. i thought she loved
me, but she didn't. i wasn't worth anything. one day,
after six, seven years, she stopped talking to me. our friendship
lasted over half of my lifetime, and throughout the
vital years of me "growing up."

i was going to kill myself
less than a few months ago,
but i've had my suicide note planned
for years. things could change, but they
don't. my prozac might need upped. i might
need to change how i think about the world.
maybe i need an emergency anxiety prescription,
or my melatonin needs to be replaced. or maybe
i'm just broken. so

i love you,
i love you,
i love you.

now don't forget it.