Jokes

She suddenly laughed out loud, disturbing the industrious hush of the office. She clapped her hand over her mouth as a shadow loomed over her.

“Something amusing, Miss Evans?” Andrew Bloater’s eyes bulged at her over his half-moon glasses.

“No, Mr Bloater.” Natalie quickly minimised the window on her screen. “Just finishing off my budget spreadsheets.”

Bloater blinked slowly, head jiggling. Natalie tried not to stare at the rippling fat that engulfed his neck. She offered him a bright smile to which he responded with a dismissive grunt before lumbering back into his office.

Natalie turned back to her desk. That was too close for comfort. Checking the coast was clear she brought the email message back on to her screen revealing two photographs, side by side: Mr Bloater alongside a large and warty toad. Below, the caption: ‘SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!!!!! LOL’

Quickly, she replied to it. ‘You muppet! Nearly got me fired!’

From across the room, Cheryl bit her lip and rolled her eyes, mouthing “Soz, babe!” Natalie shook her head and pointed in mock accusation then noticed that Andy Broad was looking at her and smiling. God, he’s fit, she thought. He raised his eyebrows in a question, “What’s going on?”

She made a face then turned back to her computer and typed: ‘Just found out that Bloater is one of the TOAD PEOPLE FROM THE PLANET FLABBO!!!! Please delete this email immediately! Seriously!’

She clicked ‘send’ then glanced across at him but he didn’t look up. She realised everyone was standing up and putting on their coats. Five o’ clock. The weekend at last. She shut down her computer and picked up her bag. Cheryl mimed having a drink and Natalie replied with a double thumbs-up.

“Miss Evans.”

Natalie turned. Mr Bloater filled the doorway of his office. “I would like a word, please.”

Casting an anguished glance at Cheryl, Natalie dragged her feet across the deserted room and into his office.

“Close the door behind you please, Miss Evans, and sit down.”

Natalie perched on the chair and gazed up at him standing over her.

“You know one thing I insist on from my staff, Miss Evans? Attention to detail. So important. Spelling. Grammar. Numerical accuracy.” He reached back and picked a sheet of paper off his desk. “Email addresses. So important to get email addresses exactly right, otherwise your message may reach an entirely different recipient from that which you intended.”

He held out the paper and slowly flipped it over with his fat, stubby fingers. She froze. ‘TOAD PEOPLE FROM THE PLANET FLABBO!!!!’ screamed up at her in bold black type. She stared at the words, unable to look up.

“What I don’t understand,” he mused, “is how you found out.”

“What?” She looked up. He leaned into her, his smooth greyish skin glistening inches from her eyes.

He took a deep breath. “How did you find out?”

“I don’t... I don’t understand.” Natalie flinched as he pushed forwards, his face seeming to swell before her own.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Know? Know what, Mr Bloater?” I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Please don’t try my patience, Miss Evans. Does anyone else know about us.”

“Us? What?”

Bloater closed his eyes and leaned back against his desk with a sigh. “About the toad people.”

“The toad people?” she echoed blankly, staring up at him then looking down at the paper in his hand. “Oh my God, you’re joking. You’re taking the, you’re taking the mickey out of me.” She puffed her cheeks out in relief. “Jesus, I was getting scared there.”

He frowned down at her. “Joking?”

“Look, Mr Bloater, I need to go, but… I’m really sorry about that email. It was stupid and immature... and very rude, and I’m sorry, I’ve learned my lesson, definitely, and it won’t happen again. Promise.”

“No, it will not happen again. I guarantee that.” His mouth twitched, then stretched across his face, pulling his lips taut then turning up at the edges. Was he… smiling? The thin lips parted, fetid breath spilling into her face, a low rumbling becoming louder as his mouth opened wide, impossibly wide, filling her vision.

Natalie pushed back on the chair and turned to try for the door, but too late.

The long tongue whipped out and wrapped wetly around her, pulling her in, in to the damp gloom, no time to scream before the darkness swallowed her entirely.