Lying Under Cloud Cover

By amlee

Mon, 21 Oct 2013
  • 964 reads
4 comments
 
We lie 
under cloud cover
deceptive wrapped
in deep cloak of night
secretly counting losses
openly clocking late planes
blinking towards a distant dawn
eating miles of sky 
towards alien destinations
 
We doze
dazed, half conscious of
uneven breathing, wrists 
entwined, fingering
mismatched pulses
float as driftwood into
hazy vistas of yet
unvisited lands, forget
what lies beneath sheets
each coveting escape
 
Above us 
gibbous moon beams
conspiratorial, lemony shaft
piercing an eternal midnight
as sprinkle of stars
wink knowingly 
how our dreams differ 
sift us into separate pools
of life's irredeemable dregs
 
But dulcet duped 
as hopeless dreamers
we can only slumber on
towards an endless
repetition: the heartache of
another nightfall
another daybreak
 

 

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Comments

Submitted by a102866 on

A "beautiful dreamer" medley. You brilliantly describe the deep, inner longing to explore the unknown. In line three of stanza one, "deceptive" should be "deceptively". In stanza two, line one, there should be a comma after doze. After "knowingly" in stanza three, you need a period to separate two, distinct ideas. You could put the word "at" in front of "how" that would sync the two lines together. You need a hyphen between "dulcet-duped". In my estimation, this is a three cherry poem.

Submitted by amlee on

Hi Stephen

 

Grateful to you for reading and comments.

My usual leaning, and perhaps weakness, is deliberate non-punctuation, and using enjambment so the interpretation is open to multiple interpretation.   I also default to slighty "archaic speak", eg 'deceptive wrapped' and do not use evolved and grammatically correct expressions - pure word play on my part!

Thank you for kind cherry estimation!
: )

 

Andrée 

Submitted by Sooz006 on

wrists 
entwined, fingering
mismatched pulses.. favourite part, this is pretty.
 
 
 

float as driftwood into... we've gone from sky to sea here, I'd keep all your similies within the same idea. 

 

Lovely poem, much enjoyed, oh for a summer's day and a nice place to lie. 

 

 

Submitted by amlee on

Thanks for reading and comments Sooz006.

Thinking on the sky-sea transfer, and will tweak when I alight on something that works...cheers for pointing that out!
 : )

Andrée