True or false

"True or False"

The first time I notice Meg's outrageous lies is at about half past
seven. Before this, I have been busy reading the newspaper and settling
into my chair after a long day at work. I have to accept that for the
first hour, I don't really listen too carefully to Meg and her stories
of what Mrs So-and-So said in the fruit and veg shop.

Just as Eastenders starts though, Meg says, "I used to be in this. I
was very good, I won Baftas and things. Front page of the newspapers.
"

"You weren't, " I say, matter of factly, shifting in my chair and
wondering whether I am sitting on a tube of Polos.

"I was, " she says adamantly, "I used to run the Vic. I was much better
than that Peggy, or Sharon. "

There isn't much I can say to this. Meg has never been an actress. She
once had a typing job, before she had the children, but that was a long
while ago. She is fifty-five and still very attractive. I have never
stopped being in love with her. Sometimes I want to run up to her and
squeeze her and tell her, but she always tells me not to be daft when I
go on.

We sit and watch Eastenders. Meg says, "I won a car today, in a radio
competition. Brand new Vauxhall Astra. Metallic green. Did you see it
in the drive ? "

Of course, I had seen no such thing and I tell her this. She doesn't
even listen to the radio, says it annoys her to have idiots twittering
away. She prefers to just put a record on, if she wants to hear
music.

It isn't like Meg to talk rubbish. She's the sensible one, the one who
keeps her receipts and gets the bank statements out of the bin to check
them.

She says, "NASA called today. There's a good possibility that I'll be
in the next shuttle. Apparently its between me and that skinny girl in
the lawyer programme on television. You know, the one I like and you
can't stand. "

"So you're going into space ? "

She sighs heavily, "Robert, you never listen to a word I say. I've been
telling you about my astronaut training for weeks now. Jean from the WI
put me onto it. She went to Cape Canaveral and went up in a shuttle to
repair the Sky TV satellite. Said it was the making of her, she lost
eight pounds and got a wonderful tan. So much nearer to the sun up in
space. "

I put the newspaper down. It is going to be a long evening. "I have
never met anyone less likely to go into space than Jean Lancaster. She
won't go up the stairs on a double-decker. "

After more of this story-telling, I decide that I'm going to have a
long bath before dinner and tell Meg this.

"Well you are selfish, " she says crossly, "I've got eight baby
alligators in the bathtub for my handbag business and they're not ready
to be moved yet. "

I go into the garden and smoke five Lambert and Butlers near the tomato
plants before going back into the house. I hope that she has got out of
this ridiculous mood, but she hasn't.

"By the way, " she says, "Do you know where my passport is ? I'll be
needing it for the European games. "

"What European games ? "

"Well, now I'm Liverpool's physio, I'll need to go abroad with the team
when they travel. "

The evening continues in this way. I go into the drawing room and take
down the medical encyclopaedia to look up Alzheimers. If she carries on
like this, I'll have to telephone Doctor Parsons.

At bedtime, she goes into the bathroom and when she comes out, she is
very quiet.

"Have we finished with all these stories ? " I ask her as I button up
my pyjama jacket.

"What stories ? " she asks.

"About you being in Eastenders, and being a spaceman and winning a car.
"

She looks genuinely puzzled, "What are you going on about ?"

I go into the bathroom and begin cleaning my teeth. I've always looked
after mine, but poor Meg likes her sweets. Her teeth are in a little
tumbler of water, fizzed up with Steradent. There they are, with the
too-pink gums. I hate them. They look a little different and I remember
now that she was at the dentists today having a fitting. Maybe the
anaesthetic has made her go a bit odd.

Do they give you anaesthetic when you get teeth fitted ? I wouldn't
know. I can hear the teeth chink against the glass, like ice-cubes. As
I brush my teeth, the chinking noise gets louder, more insistent. It
begins to sound like chattering. I rinse and look up. The two rows of
teeth are moving back and forth in a way that ripples or breeze can't
account for.

I dip my fingers into the tumbler, take the teeth out. They are
dripping wet and I dab the cold hard things against a towel to dry them
off.

At which point, the teeth say in Meg's voice, "I invented the microwave
you know. And I did the beading on Princess Diana's wedding dress.
"

I drop them into the sink, where they clatter and skid, the top and
lower half separated from each other. As I watch, they keep moving up
and down, trying to talk, but unable. Nauseated, I reach into the sink
quickly and put the plug in, before turning on both taps. When the sink
is nearly full, I reach for the thin tube of Steradent and throw five
capsules in, making all the water froth up.

I stand by the avocado sink and watch my wife's false teeth clack
together in the cloudy fizzed-up water. Something has come loose,
become askew. Things are not as they are intended to be.

What's changed - me, Meg or the teeth ?