Me (2010)/I Love You/Feeling of Ganja (2010)

If I can pull this out the bag,
Then soon I won't have to keep looking back,
If I can get the words out, even in text,
Then watch out because you may be next,
But i'll take myself out first,
Even though you've been the worst,

Can't remember the last time I helped anyone,
People look at me like a jobless bum,
Gone a stray the past few months,
Tried not to show it but been down in the dumps,
Information overload,
My head is ready to explode,
Hence the return to poem writing
Then the thoughts won't keep on fighting,

Walking around and I feel fake,
Told her I liked her, one of many mistakes,
Can not say all that i've done,
But drinking's up at number one,

Double vodka's in the morning,
And then without any warning,
The evening is here,
And i'm now on the beer,
Not to mention all the joints,
Reading it now, what's the point,

Done things I wouldn't normally do,
I wouldn't have done them if it wasn't for you,
You once said I was an alcoholic too,
Looks like your dreams are coming true,
But i'll move on now because it's not your turn,
A couple more things I need to learn,

I snooped around in different places,
Where I found familiar faces,
Haven't been looking for a job,
Because I am a hopeless knob,
Then of course there was the thieving,
Don't use the excuse of grieving,

That's me now i'm a disgrace,
But slowly i'm re-finding my place,
When people see me they look away,
What is with that anyway?,
Let myself and my family down,
But soon this frown will be upside down,

I gave up everything for you,
Not something every son would do,
Didn't expect you to say thanks or you were proud,
But Dad could have said something out aloud,

I'll never regret the choice I made,
Again it was time to step up to the plate,
You looked after me for many years,
Through good times, laughter, heartache and tears,
Me doing the housework just like a woman,
The ironing was the worst job I was doing,
The good thing was it turned out I could cook,
I didn't even need to use a book,

The last time we saw you,
You said I love you,
To K, H and Dad,
But when it came to me,
You couldn't say that,

You said "I love you", as we walked away,
Was I included, who's to say,
There was four of us,
And you didn't mention names,
You had another chance when I text you,
Saying 'Night night, love you',
But reply you didn't do,

That snowy January morning you were gone,
No grieving for me which turned out wrong,
Staying strong to be the family rock,
Months later I would lose the plot,

Pretending you had gone on holiday,
That would be the best way to play,
I carried on with no more worries,
Then August arrived and someone would be sorry,

The Southampton owner passed away,
Then everything about you flooded in that day,

You decided to tell people you thought I was gay,
Then the rumours turned out a different way,
People talking behind my back,
Even Mrs T was giving me slack,

I gave you the story of Uncle Don,
Where I admitted a man had done wrong,
Thought I could trust you but it was just pretend,
It ended up in the cupboard of your friend,
But I managed to get it back,
That betrayal was pretty whack,
So much more that I could say,
But i'll take it to the grave,

Gave up my job to care for you,
No one would see what you would do,
Just like Dad when no one's around,
I'd get run straight into the ground,

You used to get me in my dreams,
You were alive or so it seemed,
Then one dream I did attack,
Slowly I was coming back,
It was a dream and you weren't real,
Letting you know just how I feel,
You walked away and disappeared,
You have never re-appeared,

Just three words you had to say,
Then I may not be this way,
I don't care what anyone says,
I had to get this out of my head,
Couldn't even get help from the NHS,

Dad was able to go back to work,
While I was stuck at home not saying a word,
Stuck in silence for 10hrs a day,
Looking for a job in every way,

But then after August hit,
I could no longer stay in this pit,
Going to the pub almost everyday,
I know now it wasn't the right way,

This shitty poem's almost done,
Just one thing to say to you Mum,
No matter what you now do,
I always have and will love you,

Getting snubbed by people isn't fun,
So with them I am now done,
Kicking me when I am down,
People wonder why I always frown,

So now it's time to get back up,
This time I will not give up,
This time I'll try a different way,
Not give a shit and try to stop this play,

A new start is what I need,
Drink less and stop smoking weed,
Show more confidence and stick up for myself,
Spot anyone that's giving me 'behind the back' mouth,

I won't be scared to have a pop,
If people start then I won't stop,
Then once again I'll be back on top,

Time for me to start helping out,
Remembering what life is all about,
Still there's something I can see,
Something that they won't believe,
An angel disguised,
Because all they'll see is me