Now would I really want to turn back the clock&;#063;

Turn back the clock?

Do I want to? I'm not sure. Which other path would I have taken in my
life? Many alternative directions pop into my head. The ones I haven't
taken. The ones I regret sometimes not taking, but overall I made the
decisions that I made because they felt right and they were right for
me at the time. If I'd done something else it wouldn't be me, would
it?

Sorry, I ramble.

When I was a teenager I used to wish I could turn the clock back to the
innocent gaiety of my four year old years. The years when we didn't
have big stressful family arguments. The years when I had nothing to
worry about and everything to enjoy. I was cute, I was clever, I was
shy with strangers but completely comfortable at home, I had a loving
close family, a big sister I looked up to.

Now I often wish I could turn back the clock and erase all the years of
trying to find Mr Right. I wish my University boyfriend had been
committed, different, Mr Right. But then again I like him just the way
he was and is. I wouldn't change him. He just wasn't the one for me for
life. He ruined my idea of meeting someone young, falling in love,
having babies, playing happy families.

Well now I've found Mr Right and I'm happy. So most of the time I
wouldn't turn the clock back to anywhere. I like living just where I'm
at now.

Sometimes I'd turn the clock back on my chequered career. I'd stick at
something, work my way up, have stability. I wouldn't move around all
the time. I'd stay in one place and have long-lasting friendships
locally rather than people scattered all over the globe. But hey that
would have been too boring for me. Part of me is an explorer. A free
spirit. I cannot be tied down and have to see if that grass is greener,
even it it turns out to be a dirt track instead.

My life has had ups and downs like everyone else's. I'd like to go back
and erase some of the downs, but how would I then appreciate the
ups?

A lot of the time I wish I had been more confident. I wish I had
believed in myself more. I wish my parents had built my confidence
rather than pinning everything on educational achievement. I wish I had
learnt earlier to follow my heart rather than my head. I wish I had the
confidence now to follow my heart more often, to go with gut instinct,
to be free.

I sometimes regret having got stuck in the UK again after escaping and
travelling to France and Japan. I loved living abroad. I was going to
go away again. But that was 1993 and something happened. I didn't go. I
got stuck here again. I guess I couldn't keep coming and going. That
meant dependency on my parents' house and never growing up and taking
responsibility, and that's not the way I really wanted to be.

So, would I turn back the clock? Sometimes. I'd go back to the happier
times of our home family life, my sister and I playing together, family
suppers. The time before my parents started to look old. The time they
always looked the same. The time they looked after me more than I
looked after them. But then again it's good to have the opportunity to
look after them, to repay them.

I'll keep the clock just as it is, thank you. Enjoying the experience
of life's journey wherever it may take me. Or wherever I may steer
it.