Warning: Don't Read

This is a warning to whoever would like to read this book, or, to be frank, any other material described as 'literary'. It is highly dangerous. The lab tests haven't come back yet, but I'm sure they'll find conclusive evidence that books are, in fact, toxic. They are the bi-product of evil, a secret weapon of mass destruction that no-one has thought to wield - but a library in the wrong hands could easily compromise the safety of Earth's inhabitants.

You will have been told - or, more likely, READ - untruths about literature in your youth. You have been brainwashed with clear, distinctive messages at such a young age that the worst you could accuse a book of being is boring. Books are not boring. There is nothing boring about a ticking atom bomb, is there? Danger is not boring to idiots, for even the morons who have chosen to write as a PROFESSION (they may well be simply evil, but one suspects that they are just as much in the dark as the rest of our sorry nation) have a grasp of the concept of fear.

But exactly HOW does reading kill you? An excellent question. Our researchers performed many autopsies upon the victims of the terrible crime, and discovered extremely quickly that it does not cause blood clots, respiratory failure, organ failure, immune system deficiency, sores, internal bleeding, lesions, rashes, chronic diarrhea, broken limbs or a comatose state. It took a little longer to figure out what WAS killing these doomed souls.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your fear and frenzy, another demonstration of "When Education Goes Bad":

Allow me to walk you through Victim A. Aeron Klein, an amateur writer and editor of a popular magazine, 29 years old, in good health apart from slight asthma. Was found lying face down in his kitchen by friends, after he failed to show up for work, with his legs and arms splayed to the side in a wholly unnatural position.

The lack of pulse and respiratory function led us to the swift conclusion that Aeron Klein was dead. The unnatural position indicated an attack of the nervous system, suggesting a neurological component. Our surgeons opened up the subject's cranium and inspected the contents. Normal. We checked for lumps, bumps and tested for viruses. He was HIV positive, though he had no symptoms of AIDS and his immune system proved to be functional.

The part of the brain used for reading is myserious. In order to read, we must decipher the pictures, or code as it were and at the same time imagine the scene, thereby using two entirely different parts of the brain. Prolonged use of the two entirely different parts of the brain at the same time will lead to the fusing of the parts. Nerves will branch out which are not meant to, reaching across the part of the brain which controls respiratory function. It was slow. Klein's trachea tightened slightly every time he read. It caused mild pressure headaches, but there were no other symptoms to indicate an illness. Klein had read since the age of four. He was doomed, the damage irreversible since he hit twenty.

Please, don't be like Klein. If you are reading this, it's probably too late. And for God's sake, don't write. I'm only writing this to warn the world. In a moment, my trachea will tighten once more and suffocate me.

DON'T READ! WARN EVERYONE!

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(The author was subsequently suffocated as a result of prolonged reading and writing. R.I.P.)