Where I belong

It was a bit of a nothing day I had been up and down the stairs looking after Jon (my husband) who was very poorly.

The Doctor said it was a chest infection nothing too much to worry about

“I will leave you a prescription for some more antibiotics” he said on his way out.

That was a week ago and Jon seemed worse than ever.

I knew somehow it was more than this as he had had four of these so called chest infections in as many months.

He called me “I’m sorry love I feel so bad will you come and sit with me for a while”.

I went upstairs and looked at him he seemed to have lost all his energy and looked so ill. I took his temperature 39 degrees. I gave him more tablets to bring his fever down. I sat with him for a while he drifted in and out of sleep not really knowing very much of what was going on.

He was having hallucinations where he was convinced he was on a boat he shouted out

“We are going to sink”.

I went downstairs and called the doctor he said he would call after surgery.

Two hours later a knock on the door

“Is he upstairs” he said.

I lead the way.

He sat on the bed next to Jon

“No better I see think we had beetter put you on different antibiotics and get a chest x-ray done” he said.

When Jon was feeling better we went to the hospital and he handed his form in.

“Stand straight and breath in” the radiographer said.

She appeared moments later “you can go” she said.

I heard Jon say "Is it ok" and fumbled over the words “you see my dad died of lung cancer at my age I was just wondering”.

She interrupted him “I am sorry I cannot say, a doctor has to see it” she said.

Jon was looking very pale and I could tell he had lost a lot weight. This man I had married 20 odd years ago was a shadow of his former self. He tried to do things which would have been so easy a while ago but took real effort now. I felt so much love for him and now a strange feeling of fear I had not had ever before.

When we got home I put my arms around him and a single tear came to his eye.

“It will be ok love” I said.

“Will it” he said.

I made two cups of coffee for Jon and me but he was asleep before I came back.

We had an appointment with the nurse the next day to see if he needed extra inhalers. To help him breath.

First thing she did was weigh him.

“13stone 3lbs” she said.

“The scales must be wrong I have never been that weight” he said.

He looked shocked. He had lost approx 1 stone in 1 week.

When we left I think he thought the worst.

It was Monday morning. Jon was at work and I was hoovering the bedroom when the phone rang.

"Mr Buckeridge please" the voice said.

“Sorry he is not here” I said.

“Is that his wife?”."

“Yes can I help you".

"This is Mr Jones’ Secretary we have an appointment for your husband for Wednesday."

Too quick I thought why so quick. I sat on the floor and cried I also now feared the worst.

I had pulled myself together when Jon’s key was in the door. I was pouring the hot water on his coffee when I said casually.

“By the way you have an appointment on Wednesday to see the Specialist”.

He didn’t say very much but I knew what he was thinking.

Wednesday arrived we hadn’t slept. We arrived at the Hospital far too early and went for a coffee. I held his hand told him not to worry, which on reflection was a stupid thing to say. We talked and talked. Then went to the clinic.

"He is running about 45 minutes late I’m afraid” the receptionist said.

We waited for what seemed a life time.

Eventually Jon’s name was called and we went into a small room where the Specialist shook our hand and we sat down.

Jon described how he had been feeling.
The Doctor sat and listened.

“I will show you both the x-ray” he said.

He turned to Jon

“I am not at all surprised you have been feeling so ill” he said.

The x-ray meant nothing to us just a pair of lungs although I noticed on the top of the right lung patches of something I knew was not right.

“I think you have T.B.” he said.

But how we have had our vaccinations I know it was a while ago. I felt sick and a little dizzy. Jon was just staring ahead.

“Don’t worry you must have tests to confirm that it is T.B. but it treatable”.

I had so many questions, but left without asking any.

We stood outside both a little dazed by what we had heard.

Just then a kindly voice.

“Are you alright can I help you”

A nurse so kind and helpful showed us where to go and took the forms from us.

Jon had the tests and we left the Hospital and went for some lunch as we were both feeling a little dizzy by then. We didn’t have much appetite, just held hands across the table.

Back in the car we held each other we didn’t want to let go. We felt relief that although it was serious it could be treated. I think we were both scared. Scared that we might be parted and although we are both 60 this shock made us realise we have a lot of living and loving to do and we are not ready to be parted not for a long time yet.

So we will wait and hope and whatever the outcome I will always be by his side because that's where I want to be and where I belong.