Seline's Christmas

I love Christmas, don’t you? Everything’s so red and all, with the trees and tinsel and turkey for dinner if you like it, and even if you don’t. It’s traditional, and traditions important.

Tradition’s important, Seline, my Mam used to say on Christmas eve, when me and Uncle Bill carried her up to bed after she’d had one too many, or maybe five too many. That was a tradition for us on Christmas eve, and we did it every year until she died. In fact we did it that year too, of course. It weren’t me. It was Uncle Bill dropped her. She never felt a thing, the doctor said. Well I could have told him that, pure pickled she was.

We kept her coffin in the front room before the funeral, only there weren’t much space so we had to put the Christmas tree on top. It looked really pretty there with the tinsel and the little lights. We buried the tree with the coffin ‘cos it was one of them cheap trees and it had lost all its needles by then.

I always go round Senga’s on Christmas day. She’s my best friend. I’ve known her ever so long but we weren’t at school together or anything. At least I don’t remember knowing her at school and I remember lots of things from that time.

I had my first boyfriend at school, Wendell he was. He wasn’t a real boyfriend like, not in a messy way, but he did kiss me under the arches... at the back of the techy block and it made me go all goosebumpy. He whispered in my ear that he’d been circumscribed and did I know what that meant. Well, of course I told him I did, but I didn’t really. I looked it up later: it means cut down to size. He certainly needed taken down a peg or three. I went right off him. Found he changed his girlfriends like he changed his socks. About once a week.

So, for Christmas dinner Senga and me have haddock and chips and then Christmas pudding and brandy butter and a little drinky. That’s our tradition, see Senga doesn’t like turkey. Went there for me holidays, once, she says. Put me right off. Now, even I know turkey’s got nothing to do with Turkey but there’s no shifting Senga when she gets an idea in her noddle, so I don’t say nothing. Anyway I like a nice piece of haddock. We put a little piece of holly on top to make it look Chrismassy and sing Good King Wenceslast. That’s our tradition.

Then we open our pressies. Senga always gets me a tea towel but it’s still a surprise ‘cos it’s a different one every year and they have lovely designs don’t they? Last year she gave me one with a picture of Wonder Woman. I was really pleased with it, then she said it was a wonder she was still sane and I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. But I didn’t say nothing, She can be a little strange sometimes.

I try to get Senga something different each year. This year I’ve got her a miniature Ethel tower with a flashy light on top what lights up when you stick a battery in its bottom.

I’ve been there, you know. To the real Ethel tower. It’s a big tower thing, a bit like Blackpool, what is in the middle of Paris, Francais. It was built by Ethel. She was a clever French engineer what built towers. She probably built Blackpool too. Senga and I went there for a wee weekend break, Paris that is, not Blackpool and that’s when we climbed the tower. Actually we took the lift because there are too many steps. From the top you can see a very long way away, probably to Blackpool if it’s clear, which it weren’t.

Senga was grumpy on the way back down. Couldn’t see me bleedin hand in front of me bleedin face, she says. Bloody waste of bloody money. She’s a great one for the bloody’s is Senga. That’s why I’ve painted the tower red – the little one I got her, not the real one. I know she’ll get the joke and we’ll laugh about it.

After the pressies we pull our crackers and put our hats on and have a play with the stuff. Last years crackers were rubbish, a tiny water pistol what didn’t even squirt and a plastic ring. So I got better ones for this year. Adult crackers they call themselves. They cost a lot but it doesn’t matter. Saw them in a magazine. Come and make your Christmas go with a bang, it said.

We should have some fun with those.

I’ll tell you ‘bout it another time.

So, that’s our tradition. It’s how we’ve always done it. So a happy and peaceful Christmas to you all, and may the New Year bring you posterity.