Just Hangin

Just Hangin

First time in years I'm all alone
all my costumes,roles,jobs, have peeled away
I'm in retreat with no religion
bubblewrapped in silence
my people are travelling without me
I'v tidied,shopped cooked for myself
picked up the books stockpiled for holiday
but then left them ready to pack with my clothes
can't read anyway as my brain is in neutral, idleing
waiting to reconcile the bright vibrant voice
full of warmth and humour
with the her loss
I'v worked out how to go to bed
and not mind the bird on the roof or the winds creak
not mind the unshared pelt of rain
or the missing hugs
or the allowance of tears
I am firm with myself brisk and nursey
at bedtime go upstairs turn on bedroom light
turn off hall light,lock bedroom door
don't dwell on what can't be helped
my Mother is not young so I'm not supposed to mind
but I do she wants to live and is loved
they married late and have bloomed
happy in small routines and big adventures
it hurts to look at my stepfather

The space has become friendly but flat
motivation locked up in my Mothers lonely hospital night
as if I could be nil by mouth too
as if waiting actively is a kind of magic
perhaps I should light candles and chant
treat friends like rosary beads and phone them
somehow I want to stay in in case
so make little forays for milk but thats all

They wont get all the cancer
just take some out and a lot of her
give her more time if she does recover
I'll bet she does my fierce little Mother
She has taken some of my poems with her
talismans
I'm fed up with daytime TV
but still watch it
and stay up late to watch bad films