Distance

Cherry

By capoeiragem

Wed, 16 Jul 2008
  • 1330 reads
4 comments
 

As the night time
fades
into
morning,
you can see
for a single moment,

in the shimmer
of
distant stars,
a subtle trace
of
things
that
we might
never

understand.

I wonder,

what
happens to
this

poem then,

with all that space,
between us?

Certificate U
Poetry
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by capoeiragem on
Second draft, now comes with new and improved alternate ending...lol. Have left the first draft up on the main page so feel free to compare/contrast and let me know which one you prefer...

Submitted by Dynamaso on
I prefer this to the original. The ending is much more succinct and satisfying.

 

Submitted by onemorething on
I prefer this version too, and I like the idea though it's a bit minimalist for me and find myself having to fill in the gaps with meaning...but then perhaps that's the idea!

 

Submitted by capoeiragem on
Thanks guys, I think I prefer this version as well but thought I'd leave it to the public vote...You're right Doeslittle, it was definitely my intention to leave gaps for the reader, although I appreciate that minimalist poetry isn't everyone's cup of tea...Don't usually write this sort of thing myself, and I guess the lines 'I wonder what happens to this poem...' could be read as a kind of throw-away meditation on the degree to which this kind of poetry actually suceeds. Saying that I've been reading some of Octavio Paz's shorter pieces recently which have absolutely blown me away, so I think that when it works, it really works. Thanks again for your comments guys, really appreciate it :)