Depression

I am what I am not

That’s what I’ve been taught

The timekeeper in my head

keeps each tick of the day

He feeds me guilt 

pain on not going away, again

I am a virtuous paragon of self-hate

No need to wait

Yesterday I was good

I drank no wine

went to bed on time

A reservoir of self-control

part of me can’t wait to frustrate

The rational part of my brain—exhausted

The irrational part jigging time

Just let me know

when you let go?

Self-possessed as a cat. 

That’s that

Fear, anxiety and childhood shame

Oh, how we know how to play that game

My blood pressure, a foaming sea

I need a drink and need to wee

Half-open and half-shut

My heart plucks the stomach 

My nerves stretch over my bones

I need to get home!

I NEED TO GET HOME!

I’m gasping in cold air

People stare

Oh, how they stare

You could be sectioned

Take Care

Take Care

I am the atom first split by Rutherford

The moon-shot loopy-loo, loopy-doo

Gin, vodka, wine, calms the mind

Suicide rates creeps up you find 

Our relationships, what are they? 

What do you say? Hasty?

How are you?

How are  you sleeping?

Have you gained or lost weight?

How do you feel?

Does your anti-depressant tablets make you real? 

I am a pale balloon clinging to the night sky

You must try harder

Try not to cry

I’ve reached a point I need a friend

a cat, a dog, a hamster, a scale model of a dream

or so it seems

Owning my anger, my ambivalence, a world that hates. 

Let me not be, someone like me

I would pray to end the day

Sucked into the void

a buzzing brain, bleak and sad

let me not be mad

let me not be mad

An unravelling mind pretending to be well

you’ve created your own hell

tender care reaches out a hand

finds me not there

not there

Came every day to put double-voddy away

The exhausting, daily grind pushed behind

shedding tears and how we laughed

I am an argument you lost

relapse—perhaps? 

Hard work like everybody else

or get the sack

that’s your whack

I am avoidance therapy

the cancer of what could be

people like me

False flag of tranquillity

keep it all inside

let yourself stew—it’s all down to you, you, you.

Trapped inside my head

the world shifts

the roof spins

Pretend care

Pretend recovery

Try on your new skin.