26. Turning point

Cherry

By chant

Mon, 05 Jan 2015
  • 769 reads
2 comments
 

Loitering by the park gate,
closing time, as if waiting
for someone, black fields
lapped by car headlights,
he's waiting for you.
Can't be more than sixteen.
Hunched shoulders feigning
apathy, a mumbled hello.
His eyes roll white like
a goat's when you brush
the collar aside, bare the
slim throat. You stoop.

@ianjmclachlan

Certificate U
Poem
A London Vampire

Comments

Submitted by bosch on

have finished the sequence. haven't found a weak poem yet. either good, or really good.

Perhaps 

the collar aside, bare the

slim throeat.  You feed.

"You stoop" isn't enough for me, though "You feed." could be read as heavy-handed. 

really good

 

 

Submitted by chant on

hi Swep, thanks very much for reading through the whole story, and for your supportive and insightful feedback, very much appreciated. with 'stoop' i was trying to imply moral decline. the character starts off raiding blood banks, but by the end, and with the approval of society's ruling powers, he's starting to see pretty well anyone as fair game.