The Boy With A Fist For A Face

Edward Defining-Characteristic was thrown out of two million schools because he could only communicate by punching people with his fist-face in Morse code. So one day he walked down Prospect Street in Caversham and punched into the faces of complete strangers the Morse code message, “IT’S NOT MY FAULT. I WAS BORN THIS WAY.”

The only person who sympathised with Edward Defining-Characteristic was his colonic irrigator who fed him pork, ice cream, chocolate bars and Radio Free Europe up his bottom. He wore a suit of armour so that when Edward talked to him it didn’t hurt so much. Now the best idea that his colonic irrigator had (whose name was Flurbby Burby Gurby Wattelbotter Zum Pop Porka Lotta Floater Pie Tulips Zoolips Gurkha Gurkha Gurkha Gurkha Little Floot Gloot Tiggle Spiggle Verlumpingkaten) was to make a suit of armour for every person living in Caversham. Problem was that business wasn’t doing well for ‘The Flurbby Burby Gurby Wattelbotter Zum Pop Porka Lotta Floater Pie Tulips Zoolips Gurkha Gurkha Gurkha Gurkha Little Floot Gloot Tiggle Spiggle Verlumpingkaten Colonic Irrigation With Solid Food Company’. It was so bad that Flurbby Burby Gurby Wattelbotter Zum Pop Porka Lotta Floater Pie Tulips Zoolips Gurkha Gurkha Gurkha Gurkha Little Floot Gloot Tiggle Spiggle Verlumpingkaten took a heffalump gun and shot himself.

Suddenly the whole of Prospect Street in Caversham was under attack from a Toho Studios created monster. Edward Defining-Characteristic knew that with his face he could punch the Toho Studios created monster to death. Soon Edward Defining-Characteristic became public enemy number one in the Milky Way with the whole of Caversham going into Princess Diana style mourning. So Edward went home to watch ‘The One Show’. Then he hammered a hole next door and punched his neighbour in the face the request “COULD YOU SQUIRT LUCOZADE INTO MY BOTTOM PLEASE?”

When the man who carved the colonic irrigator’s gravestone made a spelling mistake he shot his penis off to prevent further error.

© 2009 Clinton Morgan