Laza Dun 2

Coming back from the hot dog stand with one of Stavros' chilli heat specials in my mouth, I strap in and tell Fred my thoughts on immigration between bites as I drive. 'You know Fred, I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but you really are a big part of what's wrong with Laza Dun. White collar westerner coming to our quaint little island with a wallet full of cash and acting as though this is some kind of tropical Babylon, it's half the reason why this place sucks so much. Why couldn't you have treated this like a normal holiday, huh? Read a book on the beach, go sightseeing, try the local delicacy, just act as if it were any other regular getaway? I know you wouldn't have tried to pull this crap in Spain or Hawaii or... or fucking Madagascar. Those placed are too nice for you to dump your shit on right? Too family friendly for a grown man like yourself to buy couple of packs of cocaine and then rent a Homda Civic with the intention of driving under the influence. It's only because Laza Dun has the reputation of a crime-ridden cesspool that you figured you'd give it a shot.' I shake my head as I stop on the red light, local kids running up to clean the car window for small change. 'I tell you, you really are a big part of the problem.'

Having regained some of his motor functions, Fred forms an ingenious plan to get on my good graces, by being a suck up. 'Officer, please believe me when I say, when I say I had no intention to hurt anybody. Absolutely not, and as for what you're saying, I respect Laza Dun more than anywhere else in the world.'

'I doubt that very much.' I reply as I hand the kids outside some coins before driving off.

'It's true, I mean, I know this may look bad... well it is bad. In fact it was a total fuck up on my part, but I swear to you, I never meant to cause any trouble for the island, or these people, or you, ma’am. I mean officer. I just felt like I needed some... release, but hey, I now realise how wrong I was, and what's more, I will never ever do anything... anything like this again. That is a promise.'

'Oh I know you wont, Fred. In fact, I'm going to make sure of it. A few nights in the cells should make an honest man out of you.'

'The cells?'

'Yeah, the cells. Prison, the nick, the big house.'

'You, you can't be serious.'

'Oh I'm very much serious.'

Then he starts getting uppity. 'But I didn't do anything, this is bullshit! I was just driving, you forced me into racing, c-crashed my car, and then put a gun to my head and stole my money. I mean, what am I doing trying to be nice to you, I'm going to sue your ass off.... lady!'

'That's cute, you think you're still in America. News flash hot-shot, there are no CCTV cameras around to catch me doing any of that shit.'

'What? T-that can't be.'

'Afraid so, Fred. Part of what makes this berg such a lawless hell-hole. The city wont cough up the money to ship the cameras in, mostly because no one on the LDPD wants cameras watching them. Around half of us are corrupt as fuck you see. If you think I'm lying then feel free to check, you wont see any cams anywhere.'

I see his expression change from righteous indignation to utter grief as he realises I'm telling the truth. 'You... you're a crook, you're a dirty cop.' he blubbers.

'Me? Hohoho, you insult me. Believe it or not I'm one of the good cops. Sure I take away the surplus funds of any criminals that may come across my path, yourself included, and I do occasionally start up the odd car chase, but asides from that I'm a badge-polishing lawwoman on duty. You see, in Laza Dun there are two kinds of cops: the enforcers and the protectors. The enforcers are like me, they kill and steal from the bad guys for the good of the people. Some call us authoritarian psychopaths but that's neither here or there. The dirty cops are the protectors, these guys don't get into a lot of gunfights because they're in bed with all the criminals in town. If it had been a protector who had pulled you over instead of me, then they probably would have just asked for a bribe.'

'Just my luck I ran into you.' he said, kicking the back of my seat.

'Hey watch it back there, I may have just being trying to scare you with the whole shooting your brains out talk, but I'm not above giving you a black eye if you keep up that attitude.' He stops what he's doing. 'That's better. Don't think I'm not sympathetic to your situation, Fred, I am. From your point of view I must seem a real sadist, but by wrecking your car, taking your money, confiscating your drugs and scaring you shitless, I'm doing you and the community a favour in the long run. You say you would have rather ran into a protector, I get that, but then what would have happened after you were let off a few dollars short huh?'

'Nothing would have happened, I was just going to a club.'

'A club? What club?'

'Uh... blue something, blue fish.'

'Blue Marine, yeah I know the place. Your dealer recommend it...? I'll take your silence as a yes, don't worry we'll talk about him later. Blue Marine, what were you planning on doing at Blue Marine? Play a little cards for cash, check out the dancing girls, try your hand at ricochet pool, dig the music, what?'

'I don't know, just hang out.'

'Just hang out, okay, just hang out. Let me tell you what would have happened, Fred. You would have went in there, had a couple of drinks, listened to the band, and got swindled out of five dollars buying matinees for a crusty old local called Lawe. That sound pretty realistic, sound like something that would happen to you?'

'Sure...'

'Good, glad we're agreed. Then you would have wondered over to the pool tables and after being amazed by the players skills, which are quite impressive I must admit, then you would have gotten pressed into a game by one of them. You would have lost obviously, and in doing so forfeited the money you put down in coked-up confidence. You with me so far?'

'Fine, so that happens. So what?'

'Ah, but then the pool players start to get pally with you. You might want to go over and watch the dancing girls, but you're not going to let down your new friends when they've invited you over to the card table right? You're not going to let down the guys. Of course you're not. Now you're elbow to elbow with some of the meanest card sharks on the island, one of whom slips a fee to the pool players for providing your dumb ass to them so they can clean you out. If you're very lucky, you might suck up your pride and quit when you've got no money left in your pockets. You'd be the laughing stock of the room, but it could have been worse. Bad day, sleep it off. If you're not lucky, you'd want to keep playing even when you have no money left, and going by the look of you, I'm pretty sure you're the unlucky sort. Now you're getting into deep shit. Staggering down to the basement, you'd be directed to the desk of a fat Albanian man called Edon, and he would have given you a loan upon you signing a contract with him. Now he owns your ass. Do you see where I'm going with this?'

'I don't think I would have gone that far.'

'Bullshit, your high on coke and drunk at that point. As far as you're concerned you're the king of the world.'

'But this is all conjecture, how do you know any of this would have happened to me?'

'Because I've seen it happen to a hundred guys like you. Tourists wandering into town without knowing what they're doing and ending up in situations they can't get out of.'

'Okay, so what happens once I'm in the Albanian's pocket? What's worse than being rammed off the road and then driven to prison with no money?'

'What did I say about that attitude, Fred? Pack it in or I hurt you.' He sulks, his eyes scanning the car door for any sign of weakness. 'So you want to know what happens then, huh? Nothing, good I can tell you. You might get strong-armed into carrying drugs abroad, you might get beaten to an inch of your life for not paying your debts, you might get turned into a fucking house slave. I don't know, Edon tends to switch it up. The point is, you'd end up in a bad way, and not just because of you going to the Blue Marine either. Even if you hadn't gone to that rotten club, at some point during your drug-addled stay in the city you would have been spotted as a stupid tourist with money to burn and would have got conned out of it in some way or form. Hell, this is just me assuming you'd end up the victim. With you snorting that white powder who knows what you could end up doing. Might crash that rented car of yours into a bunch of kids, might go full maniac and end up killing a hooker after sleeping with her, might follow that up by raping a local girl out in the jungle. All kinds of crazy shit can happen, and have happened. And guess who has to clean it up afterwards. Me. So yes, Fred, I am doing you a fucking favour by locking you up for a couple of days so you can get your priorities right. Consider this your fucking intervention'

I get so riled up that I stop talking to him for a couple of minutes. I watch the seagulls flying overhead and inhale the scent of watermelons from the nearby market. It helps a little. 'So who is your dealer anyway?' I eventually ask.

Fred straightens himself up. 'I refuse to say anything until I've spoken to my l-lawyer. I presume I have that right?'

I smile and shake my head. 'Yeah you have that right, Fred. Though it would be much simpler if you just left him out of it and told me who your dealer was now.' He remains silent, with a slight glint of pleasure in his eye at withholding the information I want. I crack my knuckles and take a detour down to the jagged roads. 'Fine, don't tell me. By the by, I'm holding my artisan driving skills liable for the fact that you haven't felt it necessary put your seatbelt on yet.' I say as I drive into the deserted space and make a sharp right turn, crashing Fred's head against the window. He comes back up looking as hurt as I wanted him to be.

'You cunt, this is police brutality!' he yells, blood streaming down his face.

'No, that was an unfortunate road accident due to the passenger not wearing his seatbelt.'

'You handcuffed me! I can't put the seatbelt on!'

'Huh, that is a predicament.' I reply with a grin as I snap the car left and give my perpetrator another face full of Laza Dunian justice.