An Old Story

"Why are people so irrational? Why can't they let bygones be bygones and
move on?"

"You're one to talk, do you remember your sophomore year? You still haven't
forgotten her, I'd call that irrational."

"That's different"

"No its not. It's been 2 years since you've seen her, and the last time
you talked to her she didn't want to hear from you anymore. So
correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it time for you to 'let bygones be
bygones?'"

"You're the one that brought her up."

"And you're the hypocrite."“

"And you're the asshole."

"… What made her special?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes it does. If Mr. Rational isn't rational anymore I think that says
something."

"Like what?"

"You tell me."

“It doesn't matter Omar.”

“I'd like to hear it anyway.”

***

I guess you could say it started back during sophomore year, I wasn't
expecting to meet anybody - my goal was to spend the school year in
the music department. It was only by chance that she took the same
bus home, and got off on the same stop. So naturally, I noticed her.
I placed her as a Freshman- I knew most of the Sophomores, and she
was too young to be a Junior. I knew she was pretty, but I dismissed
it, there's no time for relationships if you're going to be a
musician of the caliber I'm aiming for. Plus, I wanted whoever I
dated to be musical, and have a silver tongue capable of staying my
own. Time passed without doting on her much. Later on in the year I
asked my director if I could have an internship with the lower level
band, and walking in, the first person I took notice of was her. For
whatever reason the imaginary gears in my head came to a complete
halt, no one where I lived was interested in instrumental music. So I
asked my friend, the veteran intern, who she was. Jane Smith was
Freshman as I had guessed, and even though she wasn't the principal
flautist, she had a passion for the arts. That same day on the bus
ride home, the imaginary gears started to move again, however slowly.
Ravaged by curiosity I introduced myself and asked for her name. I
knew full well she knew who I was, my director introduced me to her
band, but I had to have a way of speaking to her without using my
authority as an intern. I have to admit it wasn't my best of
introductions, I stumbled and tripped up on my words as I spoke too
fast, but she didn't seem to care, I was a nice person and she was
content with that. That's how it began, with me trying to ignore how
she was everything I wanted, and more. Time passed and when I wasn't
assigned anything for my internship, I spent my time with her – and
without ever noticing, I began to fall for her.

---

“Sadly, I believe it is time to say she had a boyfriend, he was an ass to her
in my opinion, but I'm biased. I don't know if she ever actually
liked me, there were times where I saw plenty of mixed signals –
though I suspect I am being overly hopeful.”

"Wait, you were in love with a girl who was dating someone?"

"I never said in love, and yes."

"Didn't you stop and think 'she's taken, I should find someone else'"

"I did. But think about this, when there's something you love, and you
find someone who embodies it, could you simply just let that person
go?”

“...”

***

On my way to see her in band one day I ran into my friend who initiated
our conversation with "why do you have a stupid grin on your
face?" I immediately became confused and retorted "I don't.
And I'm going to to my internship." Having heard from the school
gossip that I had been hanging out with a beautiful girl, my friend
asked me "do you like her?" And me being as clueless as
guys seem to be, didn't follow. My friend couldn't believe how daft I
was and so she assumed I was pretending I did like Jane and wouldn't
admit it yet. After five minutes of ensuing harassment she left and I
entered the band room. It wasn't until that moment that her questions
finally clicked, and I noticed that I really did like Jane.

---

“Following that I made an effort to spend time with her, before school, after
school, and through all that time I can honestly say I have never
been happier.”

"So you tried taking her from her boyfriend?"

"Will you shut up? And to answer your question, yes and no. I didn't
acknowledge that's what I was trying to do. And I do have morals, I
tried getting away from her for a while... It didn't work out well.
Anyway, it became well known who I was infatuated”

"-In love"

"Will you shut up?!? I don't even know if I was."

***

Anyway, it became well known who I liked, though she didn't give any
indication if she knew either way. Finally my best friend Valentine,
angry that I had never before mentioned Jane demanded I tell her who
she was.

"She's a freshman in my internship, why?" I asked.

"You know very damn well why, when were you planning on telling me about
her?"

“I didn't know you we're the jealous type.” I jibed in response.

but seeing she was genuinely angry I decided to respond seriously again
"Nothing's happened, and it didn't seem relevant, plus, she has
a boyfriend."

"You're taking some guys girlfriend! I don't like her!"

Being completely surprised by her reaction I angrily asked her "have
you even met her? You can't say you don't like someone if you haven't
met them."

But as luck would have it she always had to have the last word, "you've
been holding hands and such with someone else's girlfriend, it
doesn't matter if you've done anything, she's leading you on or
she's... Well you know..."

"Valentine we haven't done anything, and its wrong for you to judge. Plus, last
I've checked you're no saint either.”

The argument that ensued there after is best left between her and I.

---

“And so it happened Omar”

“So what happened? You haven't told me jack yet.”

“I told you plenty!”

“You told me effects of everything, you haven't told me what it is that
made you like her, or any meaningful memories, it just been a bunch
of horse crap with you.”

“Well thank you for putting it so eloquently...”

***

I don't expect you to understand, I don't expect anyone to understand.
I've never made sense to anyone but myself, and even thats a stretch.
But if you want an explanation why I'll keep it simple. She made me
happy. But if its a memory you want me to give you as tribute, I'll
oblige, but only because I have to.

There was one time I snuck out the house, I didn't get permission to leave
that night because I was grounded. It was before 10 so it was still
legal... I think. My father was asleep in his bedroom, and I
stealthily managed to slip outside the house. Since she lived nearby
I began to walk towards her house. And then suddenly it was like one
of those sappy romance movies, where they guy runs to the girl, the
girl runs to the guy, and they embrace each other and for that moment
everything is perfect because the world disappears for them, because
in their eyes the other person was their world. – Or at least thats
what it felt like to me, I've no idea what she felt. When we finally
let go we both laughed, fully acknowledging how dramatic it must have
looked like to any random passerby. It wasn't until then that I
noticed her dog behind her, she had managed to leave her house with
the excuse of taking her dog out to walk. We sat outside and spoke, I
don't recall what was said, but I was content with just being there.
And as I was about to leave I remember her asking me “What about my
goodnight kiss?” Never having actually “kiss kissed” a girl
before, it was the most terrifying question I ever heard. And I never
rose up to the task.

My most fond memory however, was one where we did absolutely nothing. It
was late that night, we were on the last bus home, she had stayed
after school as I had, I don't recall what she stayed for but I had
stayed to practice. We were both tired and I guess she had had a
rough day. I sat on the window side of the seat with my arm around
her as I gazed outside in thought. She had tucked her feet underneath
her and set her head on my chest as if to listen to my heart. I
recall her looking at me intently as if to guess what I was thinking,
I could see her trying to read my expression out of the corner of my
eye. I like to think she knew what I was thinking, I was thinking I
was the happiest man in the world. But by the time I looked at her,
she was no longer trying to look at my face, she simply had her face
on my chest and seemed content.

---

“Of course, don't get me wrong we had our good days and bad, just like
anyone in any kind of relationship would have, friendships and
otherwise.”

“Knowing you, you probably started the arguments”

“Aye, I probably did.”

***

The last time I saw her we parted on bad terms, agreeing never to see
each other again. She had given me her new address after she moved,
and after weeks of planning I finally had enough money for the train,
lunch, and any small trinket she'd like to buy. She had wanted to go
biking but my bike was missing that day, as luck would have it the
neighbor borrowed it without asking. So I walked to the train, it was
about a two hour walk to the train station that I was beyond happy to
have. It was a hot day outside so I had dressed in shorts and a
T-shirt, instead of my usual jeans and black shirt combo. After the
train ride I had to walk for another half hour until I got to her
house, I was afraid of her parents answering the door so I sent her a
message that I was outside. Needless to say after almost an hour of
phone tag I finally was able to see her. Though she didn't see happy
to see me. She was angry I hadn't simply rung the doorbell, and was
angrier still at how I dressed, asking me “Is that how you're going
to talk to my parents?” something she had never mentioned before.
Luckily there were no parents home, and after an uncomfortable
silence she said we should probably go and get some ice cream. I
obliged and we went on our journey for ice cream. Upon arriving she
refused to have her ice cream payed for, furthermore she still didn't
seem happy to see me, and our conversations were no longer the same
as before. Finally, she had to go back home and I had to leave, we
stopped halfway to the train station and halfway to her home. I
mentioned she didn't seem like her usual self, and she kindly
remarked the same, stating I was acting more like an asshole. We
spoke that week and then we stopped, agreeing it was time to move on.
Though I regret having done that to be honest. One should never let
things go easily.

---

“So there you have it Omar, thats the story, everything I'm willing to
tell.”

“You're still a hypocrite”

“Yes and you're still an ass. But I guess I can see why people don't
forget some things. Its their way of coping, they need something to
fall back on. Something good, that makes them believe life will be
okay.”

“Thats precisely it, I think we may have actually made some progress
restoring you back to your regularly cunning, and more importantly
logical, self. Same time next week then?”

“You know I don't have much of a choice, I'm here 'til the Doc says
otherwise.”

“Just one last thing, why tell me all this now?”

“I just thought you should know I'm the asshole you think I am, I'm
extending an olive branch as it were. Plus it's not like you knew the
other side, even I don't know how she'd remember everything. Anyway,
take care Omar.”