A House is Not a Home

MEMO: Revised Day Corporation company guidelines

To be distributed to all employees of the Day Corporation

Following the latest corporate acquisitions by the Day Corporation, and the successful merger, the board of directors have deemed it necessary to draw up a new set of guidelines to better reflect the changed and enhanced business position of the company.

The following is a summary of the comprehensive guidelines, outlining the new boundaries of the company's remit and responsibilities, and what is now acceptable and unacceptable behaviour by Day Corporation employees. The comprehensive guidelines are available for download on the company intranet, and it is strongly recommended that all employees read the full version. It is however mandatory that employees read and absorb the following condensed version.

Please sign and return this form upon completion of reading and retain the duplicate for your records.

1. The Company

1.1 The recent takeover by the Day Corporation of AOL Time International, and the consequent acquisition of all subsidiaries and their assets, means the Day Corporation is the largest global company now trading, and that has ever traded. We the board of directors are extremely proud of this achievement and hope that you in turn are proud to be part of such a successful company.

2. Employees

2.1 Due to the nature of the recent company expansion, any person now residing upon property within the new boundaries of the Day Corporation (see guideline 4.1) is deemed to be a Day Corporation employee. Following the legal agreement drawn up with the UK government in the merger, all buildings and land within the boundaries of the Day Corporation are now the legal property of the company.

2.2 All paid work undertaken by employees must henceforth be remunerated through the Day Corporation payroll in High Wycombe. In the course of the next few weeks every Day Corporation employee will be issued with a company credit card, which employees are free to use for all their monetary transactions. Your salary will in future be paid onto your employee card, which will allow easy and safe storage of your money, as fingerprint ID will be necessary for an transaction when the card is used. As the recent merger and acquisitions mean that all retail outlets and service providers are now owned by the Day Corporation, any transaction is just a simple deduction from your card – no need for banks to take charge of your money and charge you exorbitant fees! Advanced loans against your salary are available.

No payment for work is to be made with cash – cash is no longer legal tender in the Day Corporation. Any payment with cash is deemed to be illegal subcontracting and is now a dismissable offence. Subcontracting is no longer permissible within the Day Corporation.

3. Employee Dress Code

3.1 The Day Corporation believes in smart and presentable employees, and that a smart appearance leads to a more successful company. The red outer band of the company logo is the official company colour, and all office shirts, t-shirts or work-shirts (dependent upon the employee's job description and the nature of their work) must be this red colour. Trousers or shirts must be black – in the hot summer months the company may announce 'summer dress' of white trousers or skirts to reflect the warmer weather.

3.2 Day Corporation uniform is of course not mandatory whilst outside work hours, but company passes must be visible at all times, displayed on a lapel pocket or in an equivalent position. However we the board of directors hope that employees are proud to be stakeholders in the Day Corporation, and we informally request that company uniform is worn to all company events, including but not limited to: sports fixtures in company stadiums, music events held in company venues (this does not include public houses), or events held on company celebration days (formerly bank holidays). If you are unsure as to whether company uniform is suitable for a particular even, or whether an event is actually a company event, please consult your line manager.

4. Company Boundaries and Security

4.1 The boundaries of the Day Corporation were deemed by the terms of the merger to be as follows:

Sea Boundaries: defined as 20km from the coastline, up to and including all water, sea life and inanimate objects from the sea's surface to the ocean bed within this 20km zone.

Land Boundaries: defined by the pre-existent border with the country of Scotland; and in the region of the corporation previously known as Northern Ireland, defined as the pre-existent border with the country of Eire.

4.2 Over the next new months the Day Corporation will be refurbishing the 'checkpoints' at these borders to give them a more welcoming appeal. Uniformed doormen and women shall be employed to greet returning employees and their visitors. The word 'borders' shall be phased out over the next few months, and these entry and exit points will in future be known as 'foyers'.

4.3 All employees entering and leaving the Day Corporation will be required to show their passes at the foyer. Visitors from other countries and corporations will require a Visitor's Pass, which must be shown at the foyer. If you wish to apply for a Visitor's Pass for someone from another country or corporation, please contact the Travel and Transit department.

4.4 Unauthorized entry and exit from the Day Corporation via sea routes is strictly forbidden and deemed a very serious offence. All boats used for leisure activities must be registered with and officially sanctioned by the Day Corporation Security department. All sea-going vessels will in due course be fitted with tracking devices to prevent them from leaving Day Corporation waters.

4.5 Employees are reminded that when travelling in other countries/corporations they are visible representatives of the Day Corporation and should therefore conduct themselves in an appropriate manner.

5. Leaving the Company

5.1 Any employee who voluntarily leaves the company will be given a grace period of one month to vacate their place of residence. On leaving their residence an employee is then required (by law) to leave company territory.

5.2 Any employee who is dismissed, whether for a breach of company rules or for any other reason, will be required to leave the company immediately. All uniforms, branded stationary, work tools and any other company equipment must be handed in before leaving company territory.

All dismissed employees will be accompanied by a Day Corporation security guard who will escort them from the Day Corporation building or area in which they work, to their place of residence, and from there to the nearest foyer which they must exit immediately.

Relatives of dismissed employees (limited to spouse/partner and children) do not have their company rights affected by the dismissing of a relative, and will receive no prejudicial treatment within their working life at the company. In return we ask that relatives do not use prejudicial language against the company as a result of their spouse/partner/parent's dismissal. Such language will not be tolerated and may lead to disciplinary action.

6. The Legal Position

6.1 All the existing guidelines (formerly laws) that were applicable in the former British territory that is now owned by the corporation will continue to be applicable, and shall be incorporated into Day Corporation company guidelines forthwith. This full list of updated guidelines will itself be available on the company intranet when available. Ignorance of the guidelines will not be accepted as an excuse for contravening them.

Any questions about these guidelines should be directed in the first instance to your line manager.

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(A House is Not a Home was first published in Dogmatika (www.dogmatika.com) in Nov 2007)