The Missing Madonna, Chapter 22/2 "Going home?"

So the decision to go home began to grow in my mind. Although we resumed paid work in Rhakotis, the tensions remained and I often felt that violence would break out at the slightest provocation. After we had got the children to sleep we would often return to the topic and several nights we chatted into the early hours about the possibility until it became not whether, but when. I began to save money more stringently for our journey and told Philip about our intentions, inviting him and his family to join us. However, it seemed just a step too far for Philip. When Dora learned of our intentions, she was quite upset and tried to persuade Mari to convince me to stay. I don’t think Mari was ever seriously tempted, although she admitted that she disliked the thought of leaving her friend here.

One night I could tell Mari was wanting to tell me something but was strangely hesitant. This was most unlike my Mari so in the end after several near starts, I pushed her and she came out with it. She had been regaled by Dora’s doubts on the wisdom of leaving their well tried life here and trying to strengthen her argument for being determined to go, she’d hinted that there was one special reason that overshadowed everything else. Once she’d said that, of course, there was no way that she could get away with not revealing the full story behind her loose statement. So, she said, she’d told Dora everything. Dora had been shocked. Mari was wondering if she’d done the right thing after all. They’d always been very frank with each other and Dora had never dreamt that Mari had such a secret. Mari wasn’t sure if Dora felt let down, not to be trusted with such an astounding message earlier, or whether she was truly shocked at what Mari had said and disbelieved her, treating her with some caution in case she got enmeshed in some fanciful tale that was mad and dangerous.

“I’m just worried that somehow I’ve spoiled our friendship,” she said to me that night, resting her head on my shoulder. I was in two minds whether to try to reassure her or chide her for revealing our secret. After all, if we were just about to go back to Judea, wasn’t it dangerous to risk alerting someone who might spread the tale with the risk that it might upset Herod’s successor?

The next day, Philip tackled me about it.

“Dora told me the most amazing thing last night. She said that your wife claims that Joshua is to be Israel’s long awaited Messiah. I know Joshua’s very bright, but isn’t that a mite arrogant? I always thought Mari was very sensible, but surely that’s a delusion and a dangerous one at that? You don’t believe it, do you?”

He’d put me on the spot. I hesitated for a long time, searching for the right words. He looked at me and suddenly said,

“You do believe it! You of all people! What possessed you, Joseph, to listen to this rubbish? I’ve always found you the most rational of beings, I certainly never thought of you as a romantic mystic. And how come now, after we’ve known each other for nearly three years? Have you only just come to this conclusion?”

We stopped near the Gate of the Moon and I told him everything we’d experienced together, Mari’s pregnancy and my belief in her innocence and her call, the judgment of the Nazareth rabbis, the birth in Bethlehem, the signs there and the exotic visitors who confirmed our vision that he was indeed the Messiah and our flight for fear of Herod’s possible reaction.

Philip doesn’t know what to make of it all. He thinks he knows me. His instinct is to believe me, but it’s just too much. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to hurt me by openly expressing his doubts but he can’t hide his scepticism. He is silent as we resume our walk together and we work without exchanging a further word. Later he tries to resume our normal relationship but our conversation is laboured and artificial. There is now a barrier between us. From that day on there is no further talk of him and Dora and their family joining us in Bethlehem. I raised it once, but he just replied that it was too dangerous – if we repeated to others what I’d told him, we’d be marked men. He couldn’t put his family at risk. He’d stay here and take his chance that the growing enmity between the Greeks and the Jews would come to nothing more serious.

I noticed of course that they watched Joshua with increasing, even obsessive interest now. It was as if they wanted to catch him out in something underhand and say to us, ‘That proves you’re wrong, the Messiah would never do that!’ And that spread to me too. I found myself watching Joshua and looking out for any sign of his miraculous future. But he seemed just a normal boy. He played with the other children. He was popular but at that age most children play happily with each other. They only draw back from those who are obvious bullies or are too boisterous. Joshua was neither of those. I did see that he seemed to have a very special bond with his mother. At first that seemed quite normal. All children have that bond as long as the mother follows her maternal instincts. Then I began to feel guilty. Has he somehow sensed that I was not his real father? Have I distanced myself so that he compensated by becoming closer to Mari? I don’t think I have. I’ve always tried very hard to treat him as my own son and I don’t think I’ve shown any favouritism to James or Salome.

I therefore had no evidence whereby I could say to Philip or Dora, ‘Look, can’t you see he’s special?’ He was a good lad, yes, but I don’t ever remember him doing anything another child couldn’t do. He cried if he fell over, he kept us awake at night, he got sick, he dirtied his clothes, he didn’t want to go to bed if he was busy doing something that interested him. He was bright and had learned already more than most boys his age, but wasn’t that because rabbi Malthus had singled him out for extra attention? Perhaps that was a sign that he was special. That rabbi had seemed to join the list of others who recognised his destiny. But Malthus had never said as much and in other ways I didn’t find the rabbi particularly spiritual. In fact he seemed a very worldly sort of guy who appeared to make more accommodation with the religions of the Greeks, Egyptians and even the Romans than the other rabbis who were more traditional and conservative. But at least he was lively and took an interest whereas the others seemed dry and got through their rituals and duties as though they were bored and wanted to finish as soon as possible.

One thing I did notice about Joshua was how often he asked ‘why?’. I suppose children of a certain age begin to question everything, but I’m sure ‘why’ was Joshua’s favourite word. It annoyed me sometimes, it seemed as if I couldn’t conclude any conversation with him quickly but also stumbled against that tiny word again. He’d look at me with those huge brown eyes of his and sometimes I’d think he was teasing or making fun of me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s serious. He’s just a boy full of abnormal curiosity.

Then it happened. It was the Sabbath and we were resting. Philip and Dora and their children had visited us on the return from the synagogue and while the other children were playing in the street outside, Joshua had stayed with us appearing to follow our conversation although we were discussing the rabbi’s interpretation of one of the Mosaic laws – I’m sure Joshua could not have understood our discourse. His eyes were fixed on Philip and never wavered. Suddenly Philip became aware of his scrutiny and began to feel uncomfortable.

“Why does that child stare at me so? It’s disturbing. Is there something wrong with the boy?”

Joshua did not bat an eyelid but maintained his scrutiny.

“Joshua, why are you looking at me like that? Is something wrong?”

I told Joshua to go outside and play with the others, but before he obeyed me, he looked Philip full in the eyes and said,

“Why don’t you want to leave here and go home? Are you afraid?”

He didn’t wait for the answer and trotted outside as if unaware of the consternation he’d caused. Philip looked at me in dismay.

“What have you been telling the boy? That was most embarrassing. You’ve no right to criticize us for wanting to stay here.”

I protested most vigorously that I’d said nothing of the sort to him. As far as I knew I’d never mentioned going back to Bethlehem in front of him and certainly not discussed Philip and Dora’s reasons for staying. Then, as I was thinking about it, I was curious that Joshua had talked about going ‘home’. How did Joshua know Bethlehem was ‘home’? Surely he’d only known our house here in Alexandria – he was less than two years old when we left Israel. And what on earth had given him the idea that Philip was ‘afraid’? Children do not ascribe fear to adults unless they witness some obvious incident such as a violent storm or fight involving those they love. I searched my brain and the only time I could think of when Joshua would have seen my fear was when we were robbed in Pelusium. He was not two but perhaps it made a big impression.

But that was a different sort of fear. Was he right in thinking Philip was actually nervous of returning to our homeland? And if so, how had he garnered that? Perhaps this incident would, after all, indicate to Philip that he was someone special. However, it caused Philip and Dora to be even more wary of him and create more tension when we met up as families. I was on tenterhooks that he would say something else that might upset them. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt Philip. He had somehow ascertained the man’s emotions and was just curious, as usual.

So we decided finally to go. Mari was fully with me on that. We told Joshua what we had planned, since he seemed to guess so much and he became quite excited. He chattered incessantly to James about the fact that we were going home, and plied me with questions about our town and Jerusalem, facts once gleaned that he passed on to an incurious James.

We decided to go as the heat of the summer was subsiding a little but before the winter rains could come. We’d been in Egypt three and a half years. We packed all our belongings and made safe all the money I had saved. I calculated that it would fund our expenses on the return journey and give me three months to build my carpentry business up to the level where it could maintain us with our minimum requirements. I’d make sure to travel with experienced merchants to avoid putting ourselves at risk and I spoke to Malthus - he knew most of what was going on. He told me that a group of rich Jews were returning with offerings for the Temple in Jerusalem – he’d got this information from a colleague at the big Temple the other side of Canopic Street – and they had agreed that we could accompany them as long as we could maintain their pace. I purchased a good-looking ass that seemed strong and we were ready.

We made our farewells to Philip and Dora – tearful despite our recent strains. Mari and Dora hugged each other and both gave us their blessings, but I had a feeling they were almost relieved to see us go. Rabbi Malthus came to greet us just before we left. He chatted with all of us, then took Joshua on one side and gave him a special blessing and embrace.

I was suddenly moved to ask Malthus why he’d paid so much attention to Joshua. Had he any premonition of what Joshua might become? Malthus looked at me most puzzled. He obviously had no inkling of what I meant. It seemed that all the attention, all the singling out of the boy had been nothing but chance, the recognition perhaps of a bright lad. Nothing more than that. He was just a favourite as teachers have their ‘pets’ and he was sorry to see him go and that was all. I was disappointed. I’d thought that perhaps here was another sign that Joshua was indeed the Messiah elect. But no, I couldn’t quote this seeming special relationship between the rabbi and the young boy as another insight or revelation. I wonder if this will change when we get back to Bethlehem. Should I take him to Jerusalem, seek out a special education for him with the city’s best scholars or should I let him grow up in obscurity, attend the local synagogue with the other local boys and help me in my work as he gains the necessary strength?