You Said

By dazzz1er

Wed, 10 Aug 2011

1038 reads

5 comments

you said you are an island,
unreachable,
to which I said, I am the sea,
I will surround you.
but you said you would flood.

you said you are the fire,
unmovable,
to which I said, I am the wind,
I will carry you.
but you said you would be blown out.

you said you are the sky,
untouchable,
to which I said, I am a telescope,
I will reach you.
but you said you would be refracted.

I said, you are my love,
understandable,
to which you said, I am sky, island and fire,
you cannot make sense of me,
but I said you were wrong;

you are my burning island in the sky,
you are my sun.

Certificate U

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I really, really enjoyed

Permalink Submitted by RachelPatricia on Wed, 2011-08-10 15:08

I really, really enjoyed this. Know what you mean about the 'blown out' part, but I can't think of anything else so I'm sorry, I can't help you there! I do think this reads very beautifully but those last lines feel like they fall a little flat, to me, which is a shame because this is so tender and moving. If you don't mind me saying, maybe the last line could be 'Baby, you are my sun' or 'My love, you are my sun'?. These are only my thoughts and I do think this is a great poem, it's just those two areas that I think need a little tweaking, the rest is really quite stunning :) Rachel xx

Sam Hennig

You Said

By dazzz1er

Comments

I really, really enjoyed

thanks :) I appreciate the

So pleased you thought my

I like the last 2 lines- the

So good!!

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