The Embrace

By Deborahbo

Thu, 27 Aug 2015
  • 3246 reads
6 comments
 

It started with an overture

Played sweetly with allure,

As her fingers dance with grace

In an ivory, ebony embrace.

 

Adagio soft and slow

The romance seemed to flow.

Not with words but music notes

Such splendor to promote.

 

Harmony weaved as a dream

Adds beauty to the theme,

As the passion that they share

Crescendos with great care.

 

In the sonata she derives

A flame on which she thrives.

Between the keys and tender hands

No other lover stands.

Certificate U
Poem
Romance

Comments

Submitted by maisie on

at times it feels as if you're reaching for the end rhyme.  Which makes this slightly chunky when read

aloud.  At the end of the first stanza I feel that I want to read the line as...

'ebony ivory embrace' which meets the rule for alliteration and slows down the impact.

 

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Submitted by Deborahbo on

Thank you for reading. Actually this came quite easily for me so all of the rhyme was natural for me. I appriciate the comment about alliteration and will give it some thought.
 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Welcome, you are new here, aren't you? You've drawn out an interesting and tender theme here.
I liked the thoughtfulness of  'As the passion that they share Crescendos with great care.'

Personally I would have liked a slightly longer last line, to balance the last but one, and maybe to introduce something about the lover so the emphasis is'nt quite so strongly on the 'stands'. (eg graceful stands, handsome stands … I wasn't sure if it was male or female there, or quite what characteristic you would want to place there to draw it all together) Just a thought!
Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Deborahbo on

Thank you for reading and the feedback. I appriciate it Rhiannonw.

Submitted by Bee on

Good feedback from Rhiannon. I enjoyed reading your musical poem, too. And welcome!

Bee

Submitted by Deborahbo on

Thank you for reading. I appriciate the welcome.