'I have your results .. '

There l was, at work, in my glory, running around on the stupid Black Friday open-till-10pm nonsense, when my left knee buckled under me.

I'd been noticing changes to those knees of mine for a couple of years, l reckon. Holding on to bannisters instead of running up two at a time like l used to. And those popping creaks give me the heebie geebies. Horrible noise.

I had loads to finish up at work, but my knee was so painful, l was hanging on to the fixtures to pull myself around, trying to act normal but deeply concerned inside. I had my cleaning job to do first thing tomorrow. They've got guests staying, haven't they? Shut up. Get on with it.

My knee looked like a wee turnip. Nobbly, lumpy and excruciatingly painful. Of course the lads l work with were taking the mic. It wouldn't be the same if they didn't.

'A hud a cauliflower ear once. Aye. Oh an' a tattie in ma sock. Ha ha .. '

It took me ages to sort tills and tidy up before l managed to leave the huge department store. The place was in darkness and l took the liberty of sneaking through the side exit, a doorway used by staff who have certain medical conditions that precludes them from walking up and down lots of steep stairs to our staff exit.

I hobbled out into the dark night, wiping away tears l'd been holding in. 10.30pm on a Friday evening in the heart of the city of Edinburgh. Christmas lights. Lots of laughter. Couples, hand in hand. Boys with those beards swiggin' from beer bottles in sleeveless shirts. Oh, it was cold. Once upon a time that'd be me and my pals. A hundred years ago. But l was on my way home to call nhs 24. Find out what's going on in veg land.