"Tickets, please" ..

We have a full house tonight. Folk have paid over a hundred quid each. Every seat in the place is taken.

Apparently this piece has never been performed out of its native country, and a whole bunch of foreign dignitaries, the Lord and Lady Mayor, Uncle Tom Cobbly an' all are arriving at any minute.

"Right, you lot. Let's get to work. Remember that these people are a very genteel and polite crowd, so no fuckin' swearin', Graeme. Keep on your toes and radio me if you need any help. Oh, and it's a total lock-out after curtain up"

It was beginning to get real busy at the theatre bars.

We weren't sure what sort of crowd it would be. Sometimes, depending on the particular show, 75% of the audience are outside having a fag. That's the bingo lot. They usually see things like 'Sing along a Abba' or suchlike. They drink Magners by the bucket load.

I'm based inside the auditorium. Ladies in gowns. Gents in evening dress.
Everyone is very excited. It originates from the 5th century, l'm informed.

Oh, there's the bloke off the telly. What's-his-name. You know. Him.

All are settling in, and the curtain goes up.

The set is stunning. Unusual. Colourful.

The outer doors open, and half a dozen tiny figures burst through into the darkness. I go after them, but they are already climbing over the patrons who had made the effort to get here on time.

My boss pulls me aside.

"It's a lock-out. How did they fuckers get past you? You, of all people"

"I honestly didn't see them. They were all told very clearly to wait for the twenty minutes curtain call. Sorry Neil."

I feel so angry, as we all were running around assisting, helping, customer care at the top or our agenda.

Why do managers only speak to scold about something-or-other ..

We both gingerly crept in to see where the cheeky wee devils had gone. We didn't know if they even HAD tickets, and as it was so very busy, they could have easily walked up the 2 flights of stairs, mingling with the patrons who had paid.

Our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, then we heard a sound.
And it wasn't from the stage ..

To be continued ..